Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Defense Tack in Family Killing Promises More Harrowing Jolts" by William Glaberson - NYTimes.com

Kind of downer subject but still interesting as shit to me. So some of you guys remember this horrible story about the home invasion in Connecticut that happened a few years back. Long story short, two degenerates broke into this doctor's home in Connecticut and raped his wife and 11-year old daughter, and then set his house on fire, killing those two and his other daughter. They beat the guy unconscious and left him in the basement to burn but he got out. Awful.

So the first of the two pieces of shit that did this went to court and got the death penalty. Now the second guy is on trial and his lawyer is going dirty. Throwing dirt on the victim's family (not sure how that's possible), raising all sorts of conspiracy theories, calling the judge unfit so he can get a mistrial. Listen I know a lawyer is sworn to zealously defend his client and all, but know this: Way, way, way, way back when ... this is the guy they invented Hell for.

"Tha Carter IV: Decoded" by Rap Genius - Esquire.com

Esquire got Rap Genius, whoever the fuck that is, to break down every song on the new Weezy album "The Carter IV". This is something you should read if watching the VMA's made you feel like you're not really hip anymore. So now you're hooked up. Go wear a baseball cap with a flat brim and a sticker on it. It looks good on you though.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

This cat Drew Magary wrote a book? About what? What? I'm confused.

Anyway, dude likes cake better than pie, and that's the important part. Cake is so much better than pie it's not even funny. Cheesecake, carrot cake, chocolate mahfuckin mousse cake? Git off me. It's not even close.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"Donald Glover on his Hip Hop Alter Ego, Childish Gambino" by Todd Gilchrist - WSJ.com

How about this quote from Donald Glover on how he picked Childish Gambino as his rap name?

Where did the name come from?

I put my name in a Wu-Tang name generator. That’s half of the reason I’m here – I’m dead serious. Like I met RZA and he was like, “you’re a cool dude, man – and your name is perfect for you! It’s like that computer had a brain!” But yeah, I put my name in a Wu-Tang name generator and it spit out Childish Gambino, and for some reason I just thought that fit.

Fucking dick. He could be a rapper or a comedian but he decided to be both. What a dick.

p.s. First off, I just typed "wu tang" into google, and instead of the word "clan" automatically filling in, "name generator" popped up, which ain't right. And secondly, my name in the Wu Tang Name Generator is Budget Nudist. I think I just got burned. Gonna go watch Jersey Shore. Fuck you internet.

"The Wrestler in Real Life" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

I can not tell a lie. Today the internet came kind of soft. This piece on how complete a fuck-up Ric Flair is was the best I could find, and it's more of a chronology of his white-trash life than anything else. Dude has had the cops called for domestic violence with three different wives. Because they were beating him up. One, creatively, with a cellphone charger, which if you think about it, would probably really fucking hurt.

This whole pro-wrestler-as-complete-degenerate thing is weird. Why are they all so fucked? I guess because they're roided out, white trash who are always on the road? Kind of like small-time rockstars with big muscles and a whole hell of a lot more to prove? Shit who knows? The Nature Boy done fucked up though. WWOOOOOOO!!!! (how's this guy still alive?)

p.s. He is still alive right? I didn't finish the article.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"Pat Summitt ...Diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease" by Sally Jenkins - WashingtonPost.com

Sad story here. The legendary Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summitt revealed yesterday that she's been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. Freaking nightmare disease. I don't have much else to say, her longtime friend Sally Jenkins, a writer for The Washington Post said it best here.

"Just Got Back from My Trip to the Walk In Doctor at Duane Reade" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

Today after an unfathomably stupid trip to Duane Reade I wrote exactly this to some of my boys in an email "duane reade employees have got to be in the running for dumbest group of people in the city."

Like twenty minutes later this bro KFC over at Barstool wrote this critique of DR employees' unique stupidity. Is this cat spying on me? Has to be, too much of a coincidence. Pretty funny read he came up with too. Really captures the experience.

"Simon Cowell is a Very Odd Boy" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

So I guess Simon Cowell is a big weirdo? Not shocking really. That dude's t-shirts on Idol were otherworldly. Here he comes off a bit more Seacrest-y than he'd probably like. Or maybe by "Seacrest-y" I just mean British. So hard to tell with those guys. Basically impossible to tell.

"Ten Great Baseball Quotes Inspired by Ichiro Hating on Cleveland" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

Ichiro Suzuki is a funny motherfucker huh? Who knew? Seriously, YouTube his interviews. It's a hilarious baseball secret like Wade Boggs' vicious drinking habit.

Ichiro takes a Godzilla size dump on Cleveland in a quote in this article, which inspired the author to list his favorite baseball quotes. Not bad. Sorry Ohio. Was just saying this the other day when I was talking about Wedding Crashers. You know that quote "Crabcakes and football, that's what Maryland does"? I never knew if that was a joke or not. Like, crabcakes, sure. You got that MD. But football? No. Not at all. Maryland high school football is eh, and UM blows habitually.

Then I got thinking about other states and what their two things would be, and I couldn't come up with anything other than football for Ohio. Best I could do was "Football and rust, that's what Ohio does." I'm not wrong.

p.s. Football and disappointment?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

First question in this mailbag is "is it ok to fart at the urinal with someone next to you?" I want to give the guy who asked this question a swirlie just for asking some dumbass question like that. If you can't fart in a men's room, where can you fart? Act like a man or go next door and pee sitting down, bro. Get with the program.

You know who the guys are that suck in their farts in public restrooms? Same kind of prima donna ladyboys who get out of the shower to take a piss. They're not reading this because they're afraid to have a site called Poop Reads on their browser history. And just like that little pussy earthquake today, they can get the balls too.


"The Odd Death of Arturo Gatti" by Chris Jones - Grantland.com

First off, that little bitch earthquake can lick the balls. Didn't even feel it.

Secondly, I got a bunch of emails from Poop Readers saying they were dumping out at the exact moment the earthquake struck. Lots of jokes about their poops being the root cause. Shit kills me. Something about a dude being stuck on the toilet during a disaster-type situation just tickles me pink. A. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. To Hades if you're leaving that toilet come hell or high water with doo doo squishing around in your butt cheeks. Just gotta sit there, hold on tight, and hope for the best. That's it. and B. That's the part they never show in action movies. How come Bruce Willis was never sitting on the can when it was time to move? Sly Stallone getting rid of ma's lasagna when the shit hits the fan? That never happens. It should. I would like a movie called "Earthquake" starting with Vin Diesel reading some awful car magazine on the shitter at some boring white collar job he hates. Then he saves the day while also trying to convince people he likes girls. Tell me that's not cinema verite like a motherfucker.

The fact that all these dudes crawled out of the bathroom after an earthquake hit New York City while they were shitting and thought of the same joke to email me about kills me too. Dudes are so gross. So predictable. So great.

Anyway, Chris Jones on Arturo Gatti's death here. Cool fighter, cool story, cool writer. Oh and Chris Jones has boxed some so you know he speaks from the heart. Enjoy.


Monday, August 22, 2011

"How to Sleep on a Plane" by Virginia Heffernan - NYTimes.com

The ability to sleep on a plane is a talent. For some, it's god-given, others, like me, it takes work. I used to not be able to sleep a wink on planes. It was awful and would be a lot worse considering I fly a lot for my real job now. A lot of people booze on planes to get them to sleep, but that's horse shit. Booze doesn't help you on a plane. One drink may calm the nerves, but any more and you get cotton mouth in that air, and you have to piss, which if you're not in the aisle seat is just a huge pain in the ass. Particularly because I think airplane seatbelts are designed to squeeze the shit out of your bladder and make you have to go to the bathroom every half hour.

Here's my three tips for sleeping on a plane.

1. Seems self-explanatory but staying up late and getting up early the night before do wonders. You can't sleep if you're not tired.

2. Don't drink booze or lots of water, for aforementioned piss reasons.

3. Invest in Bose noise canceling headphones. They are expensive but they work like motherfuckers. Can't hear anything. My pops got them for me for Christmas last year and they're one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. Thanks Dad.

"Jay-Z: It Takes a Harmless, Hand-built Gangster to Run This Town" by Lisa Taddeo - Esquire.com

This is an older (2010) article in Esquire profiling Jay-Z. He comes off as very smart, very smooth, and very duplicitous. Which brings up an interesting conundrum. His raps are all about how he is a smooth criminal and precisely that he is duplicitous. So if he is two-faced in real life, does that make him genuine and earnest? Does it? I dunno, I just thought myself in a circle right then.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

"A Conservative Beachhead in the Sunshine" by Jeremy W. Peters - NYTimes.com

Buncha rich conservatives live down in South Florida. The Times finds this newsworthy. I don't understand.


"Sportsguy Mailbag" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Sportsguy is kind of "mailing it in" lately (his phrase). But still, the mailbag is very readable. This email must have hit home a little for him. Guy just feels lazy these days.

"Q: You have officially made me want to become a sports writer. The fact that someone might actually pay me to write random bullshit that crosses my mind like you do is both amazing and awesome at the same time. Thank you for the inspiration.— Lewis, San Ramon, CA"



Thursday, August 18, 2011

"Diner for Schmucks" by Alan Richman - GQ.com

This is a great article for anyone who has ever wanted to be a food critic. Really gives an insider's view as to what it's like. Also completely eviscerates this restaurant M. Wells in Queens, where Richman, a long-time food journalist, experienced something he's never quite had happen to him before.

"Why Do So Many Dictators Use Scud Missiles?" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

Good question, I'm going to guess it has something to do with them being cheap and also resistant to sand.

"Movies That Make Men Cry" by KFC - Grantland.com

That's not the real title of the article but the real title was nondescriptive and wack. Anyhoo, KFC from Barstool weighs in again with the 5 guy movies that make him cry. Not a ton of writing here but if you've got an iPad on the pot or time to kill at work these clips he picked are great. The Rudy clip had me cheering arms in the air with a single tear rolling down my right cheek like I'd never seen the movie before. Gets me everytime.

Saving Private Ryan is an obvious one. My boy Bones refuses to watch that movie with me exactly for the reasons the author lays out. I didn't make it through Click and I've never seen Homeward Bound, but I don't blame KFC for not watching Marley and Me. I won't even sniff that movie. I'd be a puddle. I know my limits.

Oh and I don't hold it against Feitelberg that he cried at Armageddon either. Shit was sad.

"I Don't Want to Bro Up, I'm an Entourage Kid" by Carles - Grantland.com

First off, is this the best title ever posted on Poop Reads? I think it might be. Carles from Hipster Runoff writes a pretty funny, pretty insightful article on Entourage and the state of the American Bro. Do bros need to grow up at some point? Can you be a bro and also be a man in full? Does it matter?

Honestly some of the biggest bros I know are some of the most successful people I know too. Like sometimes I think the harder you bro out in life the better you do. Because being a bro is about being loyal, being funny, and rolling with the punches. Those are first-line bro traits. If you don't have those three you can throw all the ancillary bro traits right out the window, because you ain't no bro, brah. And it just so happens that being loyal, funny, and easy going can get you pretty damn far in this world.

p.s. This little bro who just sang the anthem at the Eagles-Steelers game has got to be kidding me. I can sing better than that.

"The Impossible, Inevitable Redemption of Micahel Vick" by Will Leitch - GQ.com

Don't have a lot of time to post but wanted to get this up. It's an interview with/profile of Mike Vick in the newest GQ. He says a bunch of controversial stuff and quotes from this interview will be everywhere by tonight. Haven't given it a good gander yet though. Anyway, you heard it here first.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"CJ Chivers: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman - Esquire.com

Bold statement here but one I feel good about. CJ Chivers' "The School" is the best magazine article I've ever read. Some people will tell you it was "Frank Sinatra Has a Cold" by Talese or John Sack's "M". But for my money, it's Chivers' piece on that Russian school that was overrun a few years back by Chechen terrorists. The guy is a master. A former Marine who dropped out of college to sign up for the Corps after the Marine barracks in Beirut were blown up by terrorists in 1983, Chivers has gone on to become a superstar of journalism. Rightfully so.

Here he gives an interview to Esquire in their great "What I've Learned" series of profiles.

"The Eli Experiment" by Michael Lewis - NYTimes.com

Fuckin' Eli. Listen I'm a Giants fan and I want to root for him but he makes it damn hard sometimes. Like if your from Boston and you want to gloat over Tom Brady and his overrated wife that actually looks like a trannie go right ahead. I'll tell you 12 times out of 10 that Eli beat Brady head to head and in sports that makes you better. Also that Boston is basically Queens North and your accent makes you sound 400 SAT points dumber.

That being said Eli is out of his cot-damn mind with these "I'm in the same class as Tom Brady" quotes. Motherfucker, I saw your stats side by side with Brady's today on TV and I laughed out loud. You're not that. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it.

My guess is he said it because that was his best guess at what a big macho leader quarterback should say. But he is not a big macho leader quarterback. He's Eli. Pretty good pro QB. Beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Surprisinigly clutch on occasion. And hates playing football. That's all there is to it.

This Michael Lewis article from the Times in 2004 is a great look into Eli's strange psyche when he just came out of school. A must read for Giants fans.

"Nevin Shapiro's Revelations Leave Miami Staring at a Football Program's Death" - BigLeadSports.com

Miami is royally screwed. They did all sorts of bad stuff. But I'll tell you what the real crime was here. Miami was doing all this under-the-table shit and they've still sucked for the past ten years. Like, if you're gonna cheat, cheat to win. Christ, you'd think they'd have that down by now. It's The U after all. They basically invented this shit. Shame.

Insightful article on the "scandal" by BigLeadSports here. Don't think we've ever posted them before. Good stuff.

thanks to JDR

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

YouTube Hall of Fame again. It's come to my attention that people aren't reading these? Are you nuts? This is one of the best ongoing series on the web. It's like watching some weird, personalized TV show with a really smart person who is telling you exactly what they're thinking about what's on the screen. Really, it's worth your time.

My favorite clip in this is Chris Jones' piece about the National performing "Mr. November" live. How that song was never used for a Tim Riggins scene in Friday Night Lights I'll never understand.* Huge miss there. I legitimately got chills at the 2:29 mark. That's awesome. The National are great.

*I realized after I wrote this that it was never used on a network TV show because the word "fuck" figures prominently into the chorus.

Monday, August 15, 2011

"Stop Coddling the Super Rich" by Warren Buffet - NYTimes.com

Warren Buffet seems like a passive aggressive prick to me. Like all the other billionaires are sitting around trying to figure out how grow a second dick or buy a solid gold helicopter or bring a T-Rex back to life, and Buffet's sitting in the corner wearing rumpled dockers and eating a cheeseburger and trying to make them feel bad about not helping out the less fortunate with their vast accumulated wealth? Nice try Warren, everybody knows the only reason billionaires have a billion dollars in the first place is because they don't give a FLYING FUCK about the less fortunate. That's just life 101 right there.

Also doubly annoying for them that you could buy most of them ten times over and still have enough money to purchase a baby T-rex. Douche.

p.s. That being said if Buffet wants to pay me back for the money Obama stole from me this year then he is Santa Claus, Jesus, and Paul Bunyan all rolled into one for me. Be my hero, Warren.

"Evening in America: Cindy Crawford and the State of Supermodels" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

Cindy Crawford was such fucking smoke in her day. I think she might have been the first celebrity I thought was hot. Some fried chicken place in Lavalette, NJ had a lifesize cardboard cut out of her in it and I used to go there and pop boners in my bathing suit mesh while I picked up my two piece with shoestring fries. Place was filled with a bunch of 11-14 year olds buzzing around completely sprung. Also probably some bona fide perverts. Weird place to have a summer job.

Anyway, early 90's Cindy Crawford is one of the hottest chicks of all time in my not so humble opinion. It goes like this:

1. Pam Anderson - 1993
2. Cindy Crawford - 1991
3. Salma Hayek - 1998
4. Jennifer Love Hewitt - 2000
5. Meghan Fox - 2009
6. Anjelina Jolie - 2003
7. Raquel Welch - 1968
8. Stacey Dash for like the last 25 years

Modern day Mila Kunis is really bumping her way into the top circle but right now that's how I call 'em. Like you know how they inducted the best 5 ballplayers ever into the Hall of Fame in 1936? These 8 are the Cobb, Ruth, Matthewson, Wagner, and Johnson of babes.

Who did I miss?

p.s. Oh yeah this is a pretty good article about why Cindy Crawford was so hot.

"You Ever See a Bumper Sticker on a Maybach" by Ben Cohen - Grantland.com

No, actually I haven't but some people have now I guess. How do dudes feel about this new "Otis" song by Jay-Z and Kanye? I fucking love Otis Redding, I'm a fan of Jay-Z, and Kanye, eehhhhh, I guess he makes pretty good music even if he is a premium-grade assclown. That being said, the song kind of isn't that great right? Where's the hook? You got Kanye West doing the production and Otis Mahfuckin' Redding doing the background vocals. So I repeat, where is the goddam hook? Song's all squeeze, no juice.

Plus they totally ripped like every Beastie Boys video ever made with this video. Walk towards the camera in slow motion and rap while dressed like a 16 year old. Original.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

"Trial by Fire" by David Grann - NewYorker.com

Woops. Texas might have executed an innocent man. A 17 page article but it's pretty damn good. Sorry guys don't have much else for you. Went to a bang-up wedding last night and I am hungover as all hell. Catch you on the flip side.


"Summer of Mailbag: The Revenge" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

A new Simmons mailbag. Still good stuff. These back-to-back questions killed me:

"Q: I haven't even begun to read the mailbag yet I just wanted to tell you how happy it made me to see the mailbag has "gloriously" returned. I will spend however long it takes me to read the mailbag ignoring my mom, her alcoholic brother, my stoner brother, the whitest black dude you will ever meet, my girlfriend who already feels like technology is ripping us apart ( its like the plot of one of those twilight movies which incidentally I am forced to watch every time they come on one of my 100 movie channels I get with my direct tv package) and my other idiot buddy whose life is in such shambles it makes Charlie sheen look like muhat ma Gandhi. Thank you for bringing it back and if it wasnt for you i wouldnt be on espn half as much as I am … DP show and bs reports get me through my day.

From,A hammered fan a day before his 25th birthday— Anthony, Bensenville, IL

SG: Uh-oh …

Q: You should try yelling Texas Forever! while you are getting in on with your wife. I did, and she liked it.— Cody, Oregon

SG: I can't fight it …"

"Big East 2011 Preview" - SI.com

Yeah yeah, I know, the Big East sucks. Blah dee blah blah blah. It's still football goddamit and I still root for Rutgers though I'm starting to wonder why. They're picked to finish dead last in the conference by the way, just like the good old days. Greg Schiano's on the hot seat. Four years ago he could have been elected governor, now he's flirting with taking an offensive coordinator position at Don Bosco or some shit. Wild. Anyway, you watch, Savon Huggins at is gonna take RU straight to the top, sons. And by "straight to the top" I mean "a five win season." Whatever I'll take it.


p.s. Chop, chop.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Another Deadspin Funbag. I usually think these stink, but this one is actually great. Perfect thing to read on a Friday. Questions include:

"Is it gay to want to see your friends having sex (no penetration.)"

Poop Reads answer: The only way it's not gay is if it's purely to make fun of them later on. If it's for any other reason, you like the boys.

"Is it ok to shave your balls with your wife's razor?"

PR answer: Allow me to answer your question with another question. Why are you shaving your balls if you have a wife? Let that shit ride son. You're done. It's over. No use risking a nicked ballsack over some guaranteed pussy. That ring bought you unbridled pubes for life.

"Why do farts follow you around?"

PR answer: Because God thinks farts are funny too.

"It's the Economy Dummkopf!" by Michael Lewis - Vanityfair.com

I keep getting this article emailed to me like "Oh bro it's perfect for Poop Reads, it's a great article and it's about Germans and poop!".

Bros, Poop Reads it's not about poop. It's about Reads. Shit to take your mind off pooping while you poop. Different shit, totally different pile. I came up with this bomb idea and you shitheads took a hot dump all over it making it all about poop. Just firing away hot ones at Poop Reads like it's some crappy, doo-doo related Web site.

Germans talk about poop a lot. Michael Lewis explains why.

p.s. Oh my god Tim Tebow just got DRILLED.

thanks to strap

"It's Good to be Kings" by Seth Colter Walls - Slate.com

Good article here examining who is more egotistical, Kanye or Jay-Z. The author makes a few astute points about how both men view their accumulated wealth: Yeezy sees it as an end in itself while Jay views it with a more critical eye.

I got nothing more to add. My internet connection sucks, I'm sunburned, and I'm the lightest guy in this hotel lobby by at least 100 bills.


p.s. Not even joking as I wrote that last line the guy sitting behind me farted out loud and left. My cue to leave.

"The Youtube Hall of Fame" by Grantland staff

Listen I am barely hanging onto this shitty wi-fi connection by the skin of my shitty computer's shitty teeth. So obviously I couldn't watch any of these videos because Youtube buffered every 6 seconds like it always does and sucked. Computers suck and the internet doesn't work. Enjoy this article I'm sure it's even better if you have a computer that actually works.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

"Burning Down the House" by Michael Weiss - Slate.com

Wait. Something's going on in London? Lawlessness or whatever. At least they don't have guns. Kinda cute actually.

Yes you do want to riot, English people. Yes you do! Coochie coo!

Edward and Cyril get gatted so quick in American riots it doesn't even count. Tally ho, pussies.


p.s. Before the Times breaks the story I want you to hear it here first. My boy Wang is behind these riots. Guaranteed. He's trying to drive up the price of gold. Not even joking.

"What We Saw: 9/11 Remembered" - Esquire

This is a compilation of the best Esquire has written about 9/11 since it happened. Read this if you want to get chills.

Case in point:

""We kept running over body parts," the fireman whispered. He was staring into my eyes with a pleading look, as if seeking forgiveness. "I mean, the ash was so thick, you'd see things in the street, but you couldn't tell what they were until you ran over them. I mean, what the fuck were we supposed to do?"

I nodded, patted him on the shoulder, and when I did, he let out a single sharp sob, almost like a hiccup. I looked past him at the 150 or so other firemen resting in a tunnel nearby."

—In Country, by Scott Anderson, November 2001


"Spotify and the Search for Meaning in Music" by Carles - Grantland.com

This hipster dude is starting to lose his footing on how cool he is because of streaming music services. I don't care, I just think you should be listening to The Hold Steady. Shit is bomb.


p.s. Still don't know what Spotify is.

"What Osama bin Laden Left Behind" by Stephen Marche - Esquire.com

Not gonna lie. I haven't read this yet because I've been around the world lately, and I. I. I. still can't find my baby. Traveling for work like you see on the TV screen. That being said, Stephen Marche is one of my favorite writers out there, and you already know I have an affinity for bin Laden stories, so I'm pumped to find the time to read this. You should be too.


p.s. That's right, stick syntactically correct Lisa Stansfield lyrics in your pipe and smoke it, bub.

"Just Quinn, Brady. The Blog of Denver's Best (Looking) Quarterback - Brady Quinn - Grantland.com

I'm confused. Did Brady Quinn actually write this? Because if he did he is pretty fucking funny. He wrote this about Tim Tebow:

"Gonna refer to Tim Tebow as "Te-blow" because he likes tea and he blows. At least I think he likes tea. I saw him drinking coffee once, that's for damn sure. Pussy. Maybe it was a milkshake. Whatever."

I mean, that's pretty good. No way he wrote this right?

Ahh, it's fake. Whatever still pretty funny. Just lost a lot of shortly held respect for B-Quiddy there.


"Baseball Has No Fighting Chance" by Jason Gay - WSJ.com

Jason Gay writes for the Journal about how the NFL dominates major league baseball. I wonder why that could be? Oh, I know. Could it be because baseball is boring as sin to watch? You know when I first realized baseball was boring? I was 8, watching the Mets-Dodgers in the '88 World Series, wondering exactly what kind of scenario would need to transpire for the Mets to call me up to bat in the playoffs, because I was certain I could have taken that nerd Orel Hershiser deep. The second I realized Davey Johnson wasn't stepping through that door was the second I realized baseball was boring to watch.

Wow there is a huge pod of dolphins out my window right now. I'm at the beach.


thanks to Healy

Sunday, August 7, 2011

"Sportsguy Mail Bag" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Simmons is claiming he's doing a mailbag every Friday for six weeks straight. I hope so. Poop Reads was made for this.

"Obama Foodarama" by I don't know who

Obama turned 50 recently and it sounds like he threw an awesome party at the White House in the rose garden for it. Fucking barbecue and shit. Chris Rock was there cracking jokes. Jay-Z rolled through being cool and rich and probably a little weird for a proud ex-crack dealer to be in the White House hobknobbing with the president. Charles Barkley was there dancing very smoove for a 280 pound gentleman I'm sure. And Fox News took a fucking shit in their pants for like a week every morning because all these blacks were in the White House at one time. I dunno. Seems like a pretty sick party. If Beyonce did the single ladies dance in the rose garden I am all in. Way cooler than Marilyn Monroe popping out of some stupid cake in Jackie O's face like whoa.

p.s. Where was Michael Jordan? How does a Chicacgo bred president have all these cats at his birthday party and not have MJ23?

"Jersey Shore: International Panty Raid" by Brian Moylan - Gawker.com

I don't have high hopes for Jersey Shore this season. I don't know how anyone could. If fucking ripped-ass Ronnie and stupid, fat, gross, stankface, Barney-Rubble feet Sam get back together I am done. DONE! Situation is just doing everything for affect at this point, J-Wow still looks good in my opinion but people are hating on her for being too thin (bullshit, she still has bombs), Vinny is a geek, Snooki looks like a poop personified, and I can't remember anyone else's name on the show.

Oh Paulie. Paulie's cool.

Anyway here is a good recap of ep numero uno in Firenze.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

(Un)Reality and the Football Hall of Fame'' By Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Klosterman goes uber fucking Klosterman here. Dude's inside your head. Talking about how halls of fame don't actually exist. Honestly this article got a little out there for my tastes, but as is well documented I love Klosterman so if he puts something up on the webernet, I'm going to post it. Plus, he knows football really, really well. It's shocking really, because he is a giant nerd.

"The Eternal Stardom of Julia Roberts" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

I really like Julia Roberts. I understand if some dudes think she looks like some kind of burrowing, woodland creature, but I think she is smoking. Great smile, super confident, seems cool. Those three attributes can take a soft 8 like her to the moon and back in my book. Molly Lambert from Grantland basically lays out my feelings in broader detail.

"What Chinese People Are Like" by Tom Scocca - Slate.com

This author takes a peek at the ways in which Chinese people stereotype themselves. To be honest I was a little confused by this article, but then again I only know half a Chinese person--my boy Wong. Wong likes ham, finance and basketball. So I guess that's what all Chinese people like? I have no idea, I don't know any others. Not well at least.

Oh, John Ming. My boy in middle school. Nice guy. Loved porn. And math.

So there you have it. Chinese people love porn, math, finance, basketball, and ham. Honestly, I think that's pretty accurate no? Small control sample but I think I fucking nailed it.

p.s. Seriously Ming's dad used to own a video rental store and had literally hundreds of pornos in his basement. That's a fucking golden goose of a friend in 7th grade if I ever heard of one. John Ming, hadn't thought about that dude in years.

"It Was Delicious While It Lasted" by Jay McInerney - VanityFair.com

I really dig Jay McInerney. For those of you not familiar, he was a hotshot author in the 80's who ran around Manhattan partying with celebrities and basically putting the city on its back. Check out Bright Lights, Big City if you want to know more. It's the only book written in the second person that's worth reading, with no due respect to Ayn Rand.

Here he profiles the Spanish restaurant El Bulli, which is closing down, and which has been pretty much unanimously considered the best restaurant in the world for as long as I've been reading about that kind of stuff. The chef, Ferran Adria, is considered a genius, and I'm pretty sure Anthony Bourdain would take a shot in the mouth from him and say thank you.

On that appetizing note, bon appetit:

"Patrick Bateman's New York" - Scouting New York

I never really got the whole infatuation with American Psycho. Decent-to-pretty-good flick, some quotable lines, but I don't get those dudes who go around quoting it all the time and acting like because they like that movie they're in some exclusive club for intellectual weirdos. It's an ok movie made from from a book that sucked. Get over yourself. You're not that smart.

That being said, you might be one of those people, and in fact might love this article about what happened to the places talked about in the movie and book. Enjoy.


thanks to pumpmonkey

"The YouTube Hall of Fame" by Grantland staff

Hey guys, I'm back. Did you miss me? Was running around the Bahamas with no internet. Couldn't post anything. Anyway, I promise to try hard to make sure I never miss a post again.

Here's the Grantland Youtube hall of fame article from a few days ago. Some of these guys are starting to mail this in right? One liners about Youtube videos? If I'm Bill Simmons I'm cracking the whip on these ingrates.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Real Housewives of New Jersey: All I Want for Christmas is you by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

I've never actually watched this show but between the recaps and commercials I get the feeling that they're not portraying NJ in the best light. I don't know, I heard something about a Jersey Beach show or something too. I think its about young people who have to balance their social lives with professional careers while looking for love in the quaint vineyards and golf courses of Cape May? Hmm, who knows, maybe they'll get crabs. They're good with Old Bay.


Burkas and Birkins by Lindy West - Thestranger.com

I am going to take this time to alert you to what is, no exaggeration, the funniest movie review OF ALL TIME. No surprise, it's about Sex and the City 2. If you're not convinced...

"SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls."



Who Falls to Addiction, and Who is Unscathed? by Richard A. Friedman, M.D. - Nytimes.com

"This finding and others like it suggest that drug addicts may have blunted reward systems in the brain, and that for them everyday pleasures don’t come close to the powerful reward of drugs."

In other words:

"Intoxicated > Sober"


"Getting Bin Laden" by Nicholas Schmidle - Newyorker.com

Ed. Note: Bone is guest blogging today and he has to do it quickly so if it sucks, it sucks.

An interesting version of the Osama raid including a bit about the fallout. It's dated August 8, 2011 so I'm guessing its going to run in next weeks magazine, which means you can get a head start on all your english teacher and political "friends".

"Oh while you were riding your bike to the coffee shop to pick up guatemalan beans for your alt-rock girlfriend I was just catching up on NEXT WEEK'S New Yorker. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Oh, you have a pipe? That's pretty cool."


Bonus: another HILARIOUS comic from The New Yorker makes an appearance. When will the comedy end?!