Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"Alien Loves Predator" by Alex Pappademas - Grantland.com

Alex Pappademas bings the flames in this essay on rumors that Lana Del Rey is dating Axl Rose. I didn't know he could write like this. Dude took a look into Axl Rose's bleak, bottomless soul and found a human being. Not bad.


"Advice to Give to your 6 Year Old Son" by KFC - Barstool.com

KFC put together a list for one of his readers who is making a list of shit to tell his kid. Two most important things: Don't drive drunk, and use a rubber. Everything after that is cream cheese.

I really don't know what to tell a 6 year old though. Certainly nothing about condoms and booze. I'd probably tell him to learn other languages, learn how to fight, and learn to play the guitar. He won't understand it then, but all that shit will pay dividends in pussy and confidence when he's older, and a 6 year old's brain elasticity is such that that's the time to learn how to do that stuff. Once you start drinking you can throw neuroelasticity out the window. You're as good as you're gonna get pal.


Monday, April 9, 2012

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

FUNBAG! FUNBAG! FUNBAG! You love funbags! Here's Drew Magary on whether you would shit your pants while skydiving. I might. I don't think I would, but I couldn't in good faith rule it out either.


P.S. As you might have noticed, I'm swamped lately at work. Gonna try to post as much as possible though, just haven't had time to comb the internet for your pearls of literary wisdom. Thus, the old standby, the Funbag. If nothing else, this thing was made to read while you poop. Enjoy.

"On Dirty Books: The Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

This Fifty Shades of Grey Book is all the rage with chicks right now and it's all about bondage and S&M and asses getting smacked and stuff. And all these girls are just lapping it up. A wise man once told me that somewhere deep down inside, all girls are sluts. This appears to be true.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

"Is It Time for T?" by Craig Bowron - Slate.com

Those low testosterone commercials you see during football games and other manly TV events are kinda bullshit. Everybody gets old. You get weak and soft, you don't want to play sports anymore and your dick doesn't work so hot. That's why God invented whiskey. Just pour yourself a glass and enjoy the long slide down. You earned it, pal.*


*If you don't feel like you earned it though maybe you should give yourself a shot of testosterone and try agin you little pussy.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

"Incarnations of Burned Children" by David Foster Wallace - Esquire.com

This is old, but holy mother of goddam everything, this is maybe the most harrowing thing I've ever seen, heard, read, or smelled. Not even kidding, if you have children, or plan on ever having children don't read this. If you don't have kids, you might not want to read it either. Because I just read this on my iphone in a crowded bar and I shit you not, time stopped. It's short, only nine sentences, but that's enough time for DFW to put a rear naked choke on the English language, leaving anyone with a heart sputtering and dumbfounded. This is a master at work.


"The Meaning of 9/11's Most Controversial Photo" by Jonathan Jones - TheGuardian.com

I guess you have to assume that the photo this piece is written about was just one fleeting instant that happened to be captured on film, and that photography can not actually encapsulate feeling, and that the medium in itself is, in a very real sense, all smoke and mirrors.

But goddamit are these hipsters hateable.


"My Kasual Kountry Weekend with the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan" by Hamilton Nolan - Gawker.com

Nice little read here from HamNo. Is he writing a book? This is a weird piece for him, more substantive than the stuff he usually puts out. He visitied the Klan in Arkansas. Shit got weird, as it has a habit of doing, when you visit the KKK, or just go to Arkansas really.


Monday, April 2, 2012

"An Athlete and His Money are soon to Part" by Noah Davis - GQ.com

First off, 60-80% of NFL and NBA players are bankrupt within five years of leaving their respective leagues despite average salaries of over a million dollars per year. That is fucking BONKERS. But not really. Because think about the best athlete in your high school class. Then think about how dumb he was. Then times that by ten. That's how dumb most NFL and NBA cats are. Makes more sense now, right? Torii Hunter might be the stupidest person on earth. Read the article to find out why. There's a sucker born every minute folks.


"The Virtues of Being Bullied" by Rich Juzwiak - Gawker.com

This gay dude who writes for Gawker got bullied when he was younger and he says it made him a stronger person. Probably a valid point. What doesn't kill you blah blah blah. What I'm more concerned with in this article is two things: One: The dude in the pictures looks more like a bully than a gay kid who gets bullied no? Cocky ass smile with Eminem hair? I dunno, that was my original thought. Second, are second graders really calling each other gay these days? I had no CLUE what gay was when I was 8. I was more interested in dinosaurs and baseball cards at the time. Not dudes fucking each other in the butt. Jesus. That shit's cray.


"A Death in Yellowstone" by Jessica Grose - Slate.com

Goddam this is a long article but it's worth your time. It's about grizzlies killing people in Yellowstone and people subsequently killing grizzlies for the crime. Pretty gut wrenching really. Apparently the most dangerous place in nature is not between a mama bear and her cubs, it's between an animal control officer's bolt gun and a mama bear's skull.


Sunday, April 1, 2012

"Money Pol" by Louis Menand - NewYorker.com

Politics aside, I would never ever vote for Mitt Romeny because he's never drank a beer and you can't trust a man who has never had a beer. It's completely insane that this is the best the GOP can do. Some teetotaling, dog-abusing, Mormon dork. Get a grip Republicans. Here's your second term on a platter, Mr. President.


"Ladies: You Are Not As Good As You Think" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com

Chris Jones coming in guns blazing on chicks who think they're bringing the thunder in the sack but really aren't. Word to the wise Poop Readettes. Frantic intensity does not a good fuck make. Stay humble, stay thirsty.