Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"Alien Loves Predator" by Alex Pappademas - Grantland.com

Alex Pappademas bings the flames in this essay on rumors that Lana Del Rey is dating Axl Rose. I didn't know he could write like this. Dude took a look into Axl Rose's bleak, bottomless soul and found a human being. Not bad.


"Advice to Give to your 6 Year Old Son" by KFC - Barstool.com

KFC put together a list for one of his readers who is making a list of shit to tell his kid. Two most important things: Don't drive drunk, and use a rubber. Everything after that is cream cheese.

I really don't know what to tell a 6 year old though. Certainly nothing about condoms and booze. I'd probably tell him to learn other languages, learn how to fight, and learn to play the guitar. He won't understand it then, but all that shit will pay dividends in pussy and confidence when he's older, and a 6 year old's brain elasticity is such that that's the time to learn how to do that stuff. Once you start drinking you can throw neuroelasticity out the window. You're as good as you're gonna get pal.


Monday, April 9, 2012

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

FUNBAG! FUNBAG! FUNBAG! You love funbags! Here's Drew Magary on whether you would shit your pants while skydiving. I might. I don't think I would, but I couldn't in good faith rule it out either.


P.S. As you might have noticed, I'm swamped lately at work. Gonna try to post as much as possible though, just haven't had time to comb the internet for your pearls of literary wisdom. Thus, the old standby, the Funbag. If nothing else, this thing was made to read while you poop. Enjoy.

"On Dirty Books: The Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

This Fifty Shades of Grey Book is all the rage with chicks right now and it's all about bondage and S&M and asses getting smacked and stuff. And all these girls are just lapping it up. A wise man once told me that somewhere deep down inside, all girls are sluts. This appears to be true.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

"Is It Time for T?" by Craig Bowron - Slate.com

Those low testosterone commercials you see during football games and other manly TV events are kinda bullshit. Everybody gets old. You get weak and soft, you don't want to play sports anymore and your dick doesn't work so hot. That's why God invented whiskey. Just pour yourself a glass and enjoy the long slide down. You earned it, pal.*


*If you don't feel like you earned it though maybe you should give yourself a shot of testosterone and try agin you little pussy.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

"Incarnations of Burned Children" by David Foster Wallace - Esquire.com

This is old, but holy mother of goddam everything, this is maybe the most harrowing thing I've ever seen, heard, read, or smelled. Not even kidding, if you have children, or plan on ever having children don't read this. If you don't have kids, you might not want to read it either. Because I just read this on my iphone in a crowded bar and I shit you not, time stopped. It's short, only nine sentences, but that's enough time for DFW to put a rear naked choke on the English language, leaving anyone with a heart sputtering and dumbfounded. This is a master at work.


"The Meaning of 9/11's Most Controversial Photo" by Jonathan Jones - TheGuardian.com

I guess you have to assume that the photo this piece is written about was just one fleeting instant that happened to be captured on film, and that photography can not actually encapsulate feeling, and that the medium in itself is, in a very real sense, all smoke and mirrors.

But goddamit are these hipsters hateable.