"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

FUNBAG! FUNBAG! FUNBAG! You love funbags! Here's Drew Magary on whether you would shit your pants while skydiving. I might. I don't think I would, but I couldn't in good faith rule it out either.

http://deadspin.com/5899154/shitting-while-skydiving-a-physics-experiment

P.S. As you might have noticed, I'm swamped lately at work. Gonna try to post as much as possible though, just haven't had time to comb the internet for your pearls of literary wisdom. Thus, the old standby, the Funbag. If nothing else, this thing was made to read while you poop. Enjoy.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary doesn't want his kid playing youth football.

His kid is probably going to be a pussy.

http://deadspin.com/5884934/only-a-fool-would-want-his-kid-to-play-football

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary delves deep on whether or not you can recreate specific farts. Like if you eat the same exact thing will it smell the same a month later.

It doesn't work. I've tried. You can't recreate the magic. Once it's lost, it's gone forever. You only live once fellas, grip it and rip it.

We hold no pretenses here at Poop Reads.

http://deadspin.com/5883066/can-farts-be-recreated

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I have no idea why I even post these. Oh wait yes I do. I check my stats and you guys love them for some reason. Here's Drew Magary on dieting, locker room creeps, and wanting to punch high schoolers.

http://deadspin.com/5878811/how-to-lose-weight-without-wanting-to-kill-yourself

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Goddamit did I just lose a lot of respect for Drew Magary. The subhead for this funbag is "A Guide to Farting in the Middle of a Blowjob", and yeah it caught my attention, and sure, I laughed at the thought. But some butt dowel of a reader wrote in and asked what he should do if he has to fart when he's getting head, and numb nuts, Drew Magary, with the motherfuckin' book deal and all, is basically like, "Yeah go ahead kid, light up your girl's entire face with your ass smoke. Knock yourself out. That's what men do."

The. Fffffffffuck?

The answer is fucking no. No. A thousand times no. You can not, under any circumstances fart while getting head. Not only does that ensure some random chick will not continue blowing you, let alone tell every single girl she knows ensuring you never get blow'd down again except by that one slut that gets drunk and slurps ur'rything. But your girlfriend is going to A. slap the shit out of you B. dump you and C. go fuck your three best friends, possibly at the same time, out of sheer spite. It's also grounds for divorce.

I have blogged about Magary's ineptitude many a time, but recently he's been getting better. But this is inexcusable. "Yes its ok to blast a chicks nose off mid-knobber." Get real Bro. This ain't make believe. Your words have consequences.

http://pointlessbanter.net/2007/11/08/reminiscing-about-the-old-days/

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary farts out another funbag USING ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS HIMSELF because he's not a very good writer. But I check my stats. I know my poop readers. You guys love these things so I'll keep posting them.

Seriously though these things are such hack Sportsguy mailbags it's absurd. It's just that the answers are never really that creative or funny. Good questions usually though.

But best hypothetical question of the day I read on a blog was over at Barstool NYC. Would you spend 4 years in prison if it meant you would get $20 million in books deals and shit when you get out a la Amanda Knox. Now I know some of you guys are finance dudes and are probably weighing this in your heads like "well if this shop blah blah blahs, and Trevor's deal goes through, blase blase blase, $20 million isn't that much." But I am not that guy. I write a blog called Poop Reads and work a real job that pays me with fairy farts and pieces of colored chalk. I would give up ages 30-34 in a fucking heartbeat for $20 million. Real talk.

http://deadspin.com/funbag/

p.s. That's in Italian prison mind you. If it's Sing Sing or some bullshit, not to sound racist, but there is no way in hell I'm doing four years there. I wouldn't make it. America, fuck yeah?

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Honestly? These things are kind of growing on me. Drew Magary is eh at best, but I think the questions from his readers are getting better.

He kind of blew that gorilla vs. polar bear question. He like, kinda sorta gave the edge to the polar bear. Listen you guys, I know a thing or two about animals. I do. And I have been having this debate with myself and others for literally years. Which animal is the toughest? Which animal would win a fight. Blah blah blah.

The very best way to judge a mammal's toughness is by the prey that it eats. How large, in comparison to its own body, is its food? Let's see here. Put aside the fact that the largest silverbacks weigh 500 pounds and polar bears weigh over a ton. Polar bears eat fucking seals. 300 pound predators in their own right. Gorillas eat bananas. End of story. It's huge claws and teeth and millions of years of killer instinct bred into an animal versus a really strong monkey that eats fruit. It's like pitting a boxer versus a bodybuilder in a fight. There's no contest. Especially if the bodybuilder weighs 1/4 what the boxer does. Dumb question.

Oh and if you're interested, pound for pound the two toughest mammals in the world are the wolverine (60 pound animal that preys on elk and has been known to fight off grizzlies) and the least weasel (the world's smallest mammalian predator, it eats rabbits like 8 times its own weight), with the honey badger a not so distant third. Honey badgers have been known to attack and kill male lions by biting off their nuts. Real fucking talk there. Peace, lion nuts.

http://deadspin.com/5839799/what-are-the-odds-of-you-knowing-a-murderer

p.s. And if you're curious, no animal on earth (outside of a few snakes) can kill a full grown bull elephant. But that's only because they're so much freakishly larger than everything else.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

The Deadspin Funbag is getting better and far more perverse, and it has nothing to do with Drew Magary's limp-dicked theories and everything to do with questions like this:

"Would you rather suck your dad's dick until he came or be paralyzed from the neck down?

The dad thing. And you'd pick the same thing. Don't tell me being Hawkinged is worth avoiding that shit."

http://deadspin.com/5837651/a-definitive-guide-to-karaoke-manners

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

First question in this mailbag is "is it ok to fart at the urinal with someone next to you?" I want to give the guy who asked this question a swirlie just for asking some dumbass question like that. If you can't fart in a men's room, where can you fart? Act like a man or go next door and pee sitting down, bro. Get with the program.

You know who the guys are that suck in their farts in public restrooms? Same kind of prima donna ladyboys who get out of the shower to take a piss. They're not reading this because they're afraid to have a site called Poop Reads on their browser history. And just like that little pussy earthquake today, they can get the balls too.

http://deadspin.com/5833620/farting-at-urinals-a-exploration-in-etiquette

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Another Deadspin Funbag. I usually think these stink, but this one is actually great. Perfect thing to read on a Friday. Questions include:

"Is it gay to want to see your friends having sex (no penetration.)"

Poop Reads answer: The only way it's not gay is if it's purely to make fun of them later on. If it's for any other reason, you like the boys.

"Is it ok to shave your balls with your wife's razor?"

PR answer: Allow me to answer your question with another question. Why are you shaving your balls if you have a wife? Let that shit ride son. You're done. It's over. No use risking a nicked ballsack over some guaranteed pussy. That ring bought you unbridled pubes for life.

"Why do farts follow you around?"

PR answer: Because God thinks farts are funny too.

http://deadspin.com/5829140/envisioning-the-death-of-the-nba

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I got into a big debate today with my boy T-Dubs about Drake. I think he sucks. Flat voice, painful metaphors, ugly, and oh yeah, he's a Canadian former child actor posing as the biggest pimp in the world and I'm not buying it. I legitimately can't stand the guy. I popped champagne, then every girl in the room wanted to bang me, something something chuckle at my own awful joke, then I felt bad about what I did that night but not that bad, now cue Lil Wayne. That's every single Drake song you've ever heard. Puketrocity.

That being said, people still like him. Which is kind of how I feel about the Deadspin Funbag. This one is about dogshit. Literally. And I have probably ten friends--none of whom even attempt to write anything--who could have written it better. You will still read it and like it. I'm embarrassed for you. I really am.

http://deadspin.com/5824849/dog-feces-vs-human-feces-who-ya-got

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Great question in the Deadspin Funbag. Would you kill a stranger if it meant that the NFL season would definitely happen? It's easy to get all righteous now in July, but what if I asked you the same question in the middle of September, and you were ... doing whatever the hell people who don't watch football do on Sundays in the fall. You'd kill a stranger. You know you would. You'd probably try to bargain for a third world stranger too because you're kind of elitist and slightly racist and don't think Third World lives are as valuable as the rest of us. Admit it. You would.

http://deadspin.com/5820463/would-you-kill-a-stranger-to-save-football

p.s. How the hell is it July?

Deadspin Funbag by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Sigh. It's Deadspin Funbag time again. A hundred of you zeros are probably going to read this tomorrow even though it's the worst thing on here. Getting work boners in your khakis over the picture of the 50 Murray Hill 6's in Princess Leia costumes and shit.

Granted, the Princess Leia, Jabba-the-Hut chained-slave costume is probably the single hottest thing a chick has ever worn in movie history, but still. Goddamit.

Also, what the fuck is cosplay? I suppose I could google it, but then my computer would have that garbage in its history and I don't want it there. Not because it's porny, because it sounds nerdy.

I won't google Coldplay either but that's just because Coldplay sucks. Coldplay makes music for people who don't like music. I'm feeling critical tonight. Suck it.

http://deadspin.com/5818189/hookers-and-cosplay-and-you

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

You guys love these articles. I have no idea why. It's like a destitute man's Sportguy's Mailbag. Eh. C'est la vie. Here it is, your Deadspin Funbag. Subtitle: "Holding Farts In and You!"

http://deadspin.com/5811813/holding-farts-in-and-you

"Deadspin Funbag: Special Bin Laden Edition" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

The Deadspin Funbag and bin Laden together? I told you I read my stats! I know what Poopreaders want! And that's random bros writing in to Drew Magary to try and make sense of the biggest terrorist in the world getting his eyeballs shot out while using his wife as a human shield. AMERICA!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!! ( And no, I don't feel bad for Bin Laden's wife, you commie--pretty sure she wouldn't have had a whole lot of compassion for the victims of 9/11, so her and her dead body can go kick rocks for all I care.)

Excuse me I got carried away.

What do people think about Rashard Mendenhall's tweets about Bin Laden and "not hearing his side of the story"? There's of course the knee jerk reaction that "what an idiot that fat idiot is and does he hate America and doesn't he know thousands of people died?" and that's valid. But I think Rashard is a victim of his own brain and heart. He's got a big heart, anyone who watches him play knows that. And he seems like he's probably a devout Christian. And I would guess that at some point in his life either he or people he is close with got into some serious trouble and got railroaded by the system for one reason or another. So I think Mendenhall's statements at least show that he is capable of compassion--possibly too a fault--and some fairly intellectual introspection. So I'll say this, it wasn't that Rashard Mendenhall wasn't thinking when he tweeted those comments, it's that he wasn't thinking hard enough.

Anyway, Funbag, have at:

http://deadspin.com/#!5798130/your-special-edition-dead-bin-laden-funbag

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

This one of the best Funbags I've read in a while. The questions are top quality. Particularly this one:

"Do you ever feel like a badass when roadwork signs tell you to "let em live?" I find myself muttering "I'll let you live this time bastards" as I drive by the workers."

The article also touches on human-on-dolphin rape, Scarlett Johannson's boobs, and what it's like to have an insect die inside your earhole. Only thing about this article that isn't good is that the guy who wrote in about Law and Order totally bit my man John Mulaney's standup act and nobody at Deadspin caught it. (Can't find a link on Youtube but you're gonna have to trust me, it's a bite.)

http://deadspin.com/#!5791233/an-in+depth-logistical-exploration-of-animal-rape

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

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