Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

"Will This Get Me In: Dress Codes in New York City" by Douglas Quenqua - NYTimes.com

A bit of a puff piece here from the Times, but still pretty readable. It talks about unofficial dress codes at different clubs in the city. Most of the people in the article come off like a bunch of unadulterated asshats, but I guess that's what you get when you party with people who validate their existence on earth by spending two large or more on a bottle of champagne. A sixer of bud heavies at the bodega across the street gets me just as drunk as you get. And if there's a good Always Sunny and The League on back to back I guarantee you I have a better time sitting on my couch by myself gassing tall boys than you do dancing awkwardly to Thievery Corporation with a bunch of 5'10" skinny Euro zeros.

Oh, and this owner of The National can spare me the semantics. First off, the fact that The National has a dress code in the first place is insane. Have you been to The National? I have. It's the kind of East Village dive where you're just happy if they have soap in the bathrooms. This "no baggy pants" thing is the most racist shit I ever heard. Wonder if they make black people drink from separate water fountains too?

The National: Good band, racist bar.

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

These segments are now a staple of Poop Reads, and while hard to watch on the shitter, they are perfect for watching at your desk on a slow Friday afternoon. I recommend the "Dating Tips for Guys" segment. Dr. Paul could talk his way into any girls pants. Guy sarge's harder than Sergeant Slaughter and has kino for days. Hope you have a cubicle and some headphones.

p.s. If you know what "sarge-ing" and "kino" is go away.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"Frankenstein's Monster" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

I didn't have time to read this today but my boy (occasional contributor and erstwhile hypeman Bone) said it was good and I trust him. Actually I don't. But I do trust Klosterman as one of the best writers on the internet right now. And if he's writing about music and breaking down a Youtube video while doing so, then it's all sex and pizza to me. Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.

p.s. Bone is bartending at The Copper Door Tavern on 20th and 3rd on Saturday night. Mention Poopreads to him and you'll get a free Bud Light. Kiss him and you'll get sores.

(Bone's Ed. Note: Make it 2 free bud lights (or any beer you want)! Don't ever say we didn't do anything for you.

"GQ Q&A with C.M. Punk" by Tom Breihan - GQ.com

Pro wrestling is still a thing huh? Who watches it? I honestly think my boy Glennzo might be keeping the WWE afloat and that's only because he lives in Nebraska and has nothing else to do.

This guy C.M. Punk is all over the place now. Simmons wrote about him the other day, and now he's getting interviewed by GQ, so I assume he is poised to become relevant outside of the ring somehow. Shrug. Figured you guys might like it. I never got into wrestling because I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid. But I wasn't allowed to watch Punky Brewster either so what do I know?

I will say this, the article mentions that this dude has female wrestler Beth Phoenix "lounging" on his couch in his Chicago loft. Sounds kind of hot. Then I googled Beth Phoenix. Chicks is balls. If she was on my high school football team she would have been the biggest dude there. Granted we sucked, but still.

p.s. How weird is Punky Brewster as a banned show to watch when you're a kid? Married with Children, The Simpsons, WWF, and Punky Brewster. Might as well have banned me from watching Small Wonder.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"The Art of the Body Shot" by Chris Jones - Grantland.com

This article is so good. It's about boxers who knock out dudes not with headshots but with bodyshots. Chris Jones absolutely rips it to shreds. He dabbles in boxing himself. Not even gonna mess around with a funny type blog about this one. Just read the damn thing and thank me later.

"A Revenge Plot So Intricate, the Prosecutors Were Pawns" by Dan Bilefsky - NYTimes.com

First things first. I have a very good friend named Fart. I'm not proud about that, but I wanted to clear the air before I begin, and you're 100% correct if you thought I intended that pun.

My friend Fart somehow tricked a very beautiful, cool girl into agreeing to marry him. And there are reports filtering in from the perimeter that after this awesome girl's pops plunked down a hefty chunk of change for the venue they picked, the people who work there sold out a portion of the place on the wedding day to another wedding without telling Fart's future father in law. Now I'm no wedding planner. I don't know how these things work. But I know if I were the dude who put down that money, I would be batshit. I would legitimately do everything in my power to make the people that fucked me over on the deal suffer.

And that includes doing something up to and including what Jerry Ramrattan did to Seemona Sumasar. Which means hiring Ugandan immigrants at $700 a pop to bear false witness against an ex-girlfriend claiming that she mugged them. It's an astounding case. Mostly because the criminial is Indian. Honestly, I've never even heard of an Indian criminal before outside of Thug Behram (look him up), and then this guy rolls in and shocks the world. The Times investigates.

p.s. This happened in America.

thanks to Thomas

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I got into a big debate today with my boy T-Dubs about Drake. I think he sucks. Flat voice, painful metaphors, ugly, and oh yeah, he's a Canadian former child actor posing as the biggest pimp in the world and I'm not buying it. I legitimately can't stand the guy. I popped champagne, then every girl in the room wanted to bang me, something something chuckle at my own awful joke, then I felt bad about what I did that night but not that bad, now cue Lil Wayne. That's every single Drake song you've ever heard. Puketrocity.

That being said, people still like him. Which is kind of how I feel about the Deadspin Funbag. This one is about dogshit. Literally. And I have probably ten friends--none of whom even attempt to write anything--who could have written it better. You will still read it and like it. I'm embarrassed for you. I really am.

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Bon Jovi as Cult Favorite" by Michael Idov - NYMag.com

Goddamit. 101.9 is changing its format now I'm told? 101.9 was the only radio station in New York City worth listening to and maybe my favorite radio station of all time. Honestly, how often does a radio station these days introduce you to new bands? 101.9 did it all the time. Now they're changing to adult fucking contemporary of all things. You know what that means? It means motherfucking Coldplay. That's right. Gwyneth Paltrow's weenie English husband whining about walking backwards and crying and and about how everything is all fucking yellow. Disgusting.

So now if I listen to the radio I have to either listen to that, Drake and his big, fat face talking about having sex with my girlfriend, or Rihanna singing about the way sex smells. That's the only thing they play anymore.


p.s. Newsflash cupcake, sex smells like b'dussy. Butt, dick, and pussy all at the same time. Quit singing about it.


Oh my good god. I just turned on 101.9 and they were playing motherfucking Alanis Morrissette "Ironic." Like I said before, God fucking dammit. That might be the dumbest song written in the last twenty years. A traffic jam when you're already late is not ironic, it's bad luck. Rain on your wedding day is actually good luck. And having a bunch of spoons when all you need is a knife means that you're an unresourceful Canadian asshole. In fact the only thing ironic about that whole song is that it's called "Ironic" and literally nothing she mentions in it pertains to irony. Goddamit.

Oh christ John Mellencamp just came on.

p.s. How big of a zero does Ryan Reynolds have to be for marrying that chick? Forgot about that. He's officially out of my celebrity crew. That's a blog for another day though.

"The Circular Ruins" by Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

First of all, is "Jay Caspian Kang" the douchenozzliest name of all time? Let me get this straight: You're going by your first, middle, and last name, which signals to everyone in the world that you think pretension is cool. On top of that you're using a nickname as your first name. Then your middle name--the one you explicitly want people to know you have-- is the name of the prince in the Narnia Chronicles. And then your last name, shit man, Kang just sounds passive aggressive as a motherfucker. Kang. "This is my boy Kang." No one likes that dude Kang. Any dude named Kang is gonna be a dick 12 times out of ten. Has to be. And not even that kind of dick who you kind of have to respect because he earned the right to be one. Just the kind of dick you'd just rather not be in the room with you. In conclusion; dick. Also; Kang.

That being said Kang kicked the hell out of this Amy Winehouse article. Very cool if you can watch it with the Youtube. Make all the jokes you want about not being surprised that she was dead and blah blah blah. But no one can take it away from Winehouse that she was supremely talented and obviously deeply troubled and she died at 27. And that's just sad.

"Askmen Lists the Top 10 Ways to Tell a Girl She's Fat" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

I'm really glad this cat KFC over at Barstoolsports.com finally wrote something long enough to be featured on Poop Reads. Day in, day out this dude is one of the funniest motherfuckers on the internet hands down. Is he crass? Yes. Sexist? Very. Does he hate blind people? Three for three. But the kid is a goddam wordsmith when it comes to crafting a funny blog. I'm pretty sure he's going to blow up at some point, though I don't know exactly how a blogger would do that. Either way, read this article--which is his breakdown of a really stupid list of ways to tell chicks their fat published by Askmen.com--and you can thank me a few years from now when you can say "I've been reading KFC since '88".

Sunday, July 24, 2011

"Hugging It Out" by Chuck Klosterman and Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

Listen I don't watch Entourage because the good Lord saw fit to grant me some semblance of taste, but if you do watch it, well first of all you're probably not reading this blog because Poop Readers are nothing if not tasteful. And before I talk myself in a circle here, lemme just leave it like this: If you're gonna read about this abortion of a television program, you might as well let Chuck Klosterman do the writing.

p.s. One time I was at a party with Adrian Grenier, and I guarantee you if you are a male human being with two balls and a cock, you could 100% beat his ass. Guy's built like a dirty lollipop and he took down a chick that night whose waffles I wouldn't have wasted time farting on in the morning. You can take that to the bank and cash it.

p.p.s. That's not a humblebrag either.

p.p.p.s. Her actual waffles.

"How to Roast a Pig" by Elizabeth Gunnison - Esquire.com

Can anybody find me a goddam apartment in brooklyn? One bedroom in wburg, greenpoint, or dumbo. $2650 is the rent limit and I need outdoor space so my girlfriend can grow delicious herbs that I put in sauces and cocktails. Is that too much to ask? Brooklyn is on some real bullshit right now. Some real bullshit.

Here's how to cook a whole pig written by some 26-year-old chick that got hired to write a regular column for Esquire called "Eat Like a Man". I will now proceed to slam my head into a coffee table until I wake up and it's tomorrow.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

'The Bomb That Didn't Go Off" By Charles P. Pierce - Esquire.com

Cool article with an awesome title. It's about homegrown terrorism and how those skinhead yokels in Idaho may actually pose more of a threat to us than those bearded jackasses in Pakistan or whatever sandy shithole they live in now.

Boom goes the dynamite.

"Blood in the Water" by Tim Zimmerman - Outsideonline.com

Shocking story here. Killer whales, 3-ton killing machines with huge teeth that are known to kill and eat 20-foot great white sharks and play with seal carcasses for fun, tossing them 40 feet in the air with their snouts, are starting to kill the Sea World trainers that hop in a tank with them and try to get them to do the fucking hokie pokie. No one saw it coming. Killer whales killing people. Who'da thunk it?

Cool article though. Really.

"What the F Is the MPAA Thinking?" by Mark Harris - Grantland.com

Mark Harris weighs in on what it takes for a movie to get an R rating and why we pretend we are offended by the word "fuck".

I don't have much else to say about this. I'm not a big movie guy but I fucking love to curse.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"Geithner: U.S. Financial System Much Stronger" by Victoria McGrane - WSJ.com

Quick hitter here so if you're in for the long haul you should probably go print out that Grantland article and read about marshmallows as well.

My boy Red Andy said this article was good and should be on here. Then my boy Mess said that the dude Geithner it's about is a "commie fuck who stole [my] taxes." I don't know shit about finance which is ironic because I worked in finance for three years pressing buttons on computers and nurturing a drinking problem. However I do know that when I did work at a bank I worked with this chick who was a complete twat who used to claim that her and Geithner were boys. And if that's the case, fuck this pinko cocksucker, he owes me two large as far as I'm concerned. Communism is on some bullshit.

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

I love these articles from Grantland, where the editors get together and pick their favorite YouTube videos of the moment and write short essays about them. It's one of the most entertaining series on the web for my money. And while everyone here does well (except maybe for David Jacoby who tries to pawn off a Jamaican dance craze that Barstool blogged about like 6 months as a new thing) the girl who kills it is Katie Baker writing about the marshmallow experiment.

The marshmallow experiment is a psychological test they did with little kids I think like in the 90s where the researcher gives a kid a marshmallow and then leaves the room, with the supposition that if the kid doesn't eat the marshmallow he can have two marshmallows in ten minutes. It's basically a test of inborn self control. And they tracked these kids and basically found that the ones who could hold off ended up being way more succesful in life than the more impulsive kids who ate the marshmallow.

But watch these little kids on the video. They encompass every single personality trait in the world and it's hilarious. And Katie Baker narrates the shit out of it.

"The Best Team I Ever Covered" by Jack McCallum - SI.com

Pretty decent string of features SI.com has going on right now, getting a bunch of their writers to write stories about the best teams they ever covered. Here Jack McCallum writes about the original Dream Team and about Charles Barkley tearing up Spain during the olympics.

Barkley's gotta be the number one athlete of all time I'd hang out with. Mickey Mantle fucking partied but probably was kind of an uninteresting hick. Babe Ruth was a slob and looks like he smelled. Some dudes might say AI, but I guarantee you you would get bored hanging out with Iverson real quick and you'd be lucky if you didn't get robbed or beat up. Um. DiMaggio, Favre, and Brady are/were tools. Jeter would outshine you. Gronk seems like a good time but I don't know much about him. Honestly of active athletes I might hang out with Jared Allen. Dude seems legit funny. Anybody who signs copies of his DWIs for fans is probably pretty down to earth and chill to crack a Coors Light with.

But all time definitely Barkley. If only for what he said to the cops.

"Healey Rides Great White Sharks" by Brendan Thomas - Surfer.com

I randomly flipped open a Surfer magazine the other day and saw this cat just cruising along with a great white shark. Click on the link, this dude Mark Healey is a big-time big-wave surfer, getting totally gnar on 60-foot faces for his 9 to 5, and in his spare time he hitches rides on 20-foot-long great whites. Y'know, for kicks. (There's pictures.)

Two observations that may seem obvious:

1. This dude has nuts bigger than my head.

2. He won't see 30.

Live life, taste death, I guess.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"The Humble Brag Power List" by Harris Wittels - Grantland.com

Funny article. This dude collects Tweets from people who humble brag. AKA that thing people do where they "complain" about something that is actually awesome, but mention the awesome thing in an "offhanded" "I don't really deserve this I'm totally normal, you guys!" kind of way. Keep an eye out on social media, you'll see it.

God it's tiring sorting through reader submissions for this blog. Don't you guys know it's only me doing all of this? I don't have many assistants!

See, like that.

"Chicken Toenails Anyone" by David Sedaris - TheGuardian.com

David Sedaris wrote one of the funniest things I ever read. It was the last page in an issue of Esquire, must have been in about 2006, and it was about--fittingly--a poop. He walked into a bathroom at a house party and there was a turd the size of Puerto Rico stuck in the toilet that someone had failed to flush and now the responsibility (and the shame if he failed, upon exit) fell to him. Anyway I was on some godawful NJTransit bus coming out of the city and pinned up against the window by some fat Irish chick who must have been pushing 3 bills, and I laughed so hard I went silent. One of those where your mouth's open and the tears are coming and there's nothing you can do about it. And I literally couldn't do anything about it because I was pinned in my seat like a mouse in a trap. I'm sure Bertha would have appreciated the article too cuz Lord knows she's dropped some bombs in her day, but I don't approve of the fat so I didn't share. Fuck 'er.

This is all to say that David Sedaris is funny and while I didn't read this article because I happen to like Chinese food and would like to enjoy it again at some point in the near future, he went to China and had a somewhat different take on the cuisine than me.

Monday, July 18, 2011

"Coming Together to Fight for a Troubled Veteran" by Erica Goode - NYTimes.com

A touching story from the front page of the Times. This ex-Marine basically tried to commit suicide by cop a while back, and could have gone to jail for a long time, but the cop he attacked, and his case judge and his lawyer figured out a way to get him the psychological help he needs instead of just giving him hard time. Now they're using his case as the legal framework to help out the thousands of GI's suffering from PTSD who are coming home by the plane load. Pretty cool.

"The Real Breaking Bad: Confessions of a Former Meth King" by Mark Sullivan - Dailybeast.com

This cat used to hole up in the dessert with some Hell's Angels for muscle and cook meth, literally, like you see on TV. He thinks he could be the real life guy from Breaking Bad. Dude was raking in four million bones a year and living in a drug-money-bought mansion with like, Jet Skis and shit. Then things took a turn for the worse.

"The Man Who Will Cook You Anything" by Adam K. Raymond - Esquire.com

Some carnie out in Cali will cook any animal he can get his small disgusting carnie hands on for you. Lion, maggot, gator, it doesn't matter to this dude. And really it shouldn't matter to you.* Meat is meat is meat. I ate a live conch dick the other day. No big deal. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just tough like that. "Hey kid you want some conch dick? " he says. "Sure," I say. And slurp that shit down. Tastes like salty spaghetti. Also immediately got hard. It's basically natures Viagra.

But my boner is neither here nor there you sick animals so stop thinking about it. All I'm trying to say to you, is I will slap some Frank's hot sauce on a black bear burger and wolf it down so fast it'll make your head spin, and that's all I know.

*Except maggots. People who eat maggots are worthless.

"Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap" by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

This dude is the second funniest dude writing on the internet behind El Pres and KFC over at Barstool. NJ Housewives is entertaining to me because I'm from a town in New Jersey where that show is not all that ironic. But I shit you not these recaps are hysterical, and I've been known to watch the show just so I can get the most out of the recap the next day.

I realize nobody watches this show except for me and possibly my boy Dan. So here you go Dan, you're own little Poop Reads moment of zen. You're welcome.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

"How to Approach a Girl on the Internet" by Julieanne Smolinski - GQ.com

How not to get Weiner'd. Read up if you're a creep. Not judging. There is no judging here.

Leggett's unleashed it's fury on me and now I'm paying for it. You know you drank a lot when you don't get hungover until 7pm.

"I’m Gonna Need You to Fight Me On This: How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD" by Mac McClelland -

The title of this article is preposterous for what it's about. Just preposterous.

Read here for sex, guns, and chicks who are 100% batshit.

p.s. 100%. Trust.

"On Whiskey and Grease" by Wright Thompson - Grantland.com

This dude writes about booze and how dead people liked booze just as much as we do.

I tangled with Manasquan this weekend and I hurt. Don't expect much out of these recaps. Ouch.

p.s. does he even mention grease in this article? Am I missing something?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

"Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" by Robert Mays - Grantland.com

Goddamit. Just goddamit is all. I was going to save this article to post for Monday because doing this blog on a Sunday sucks because no one but the times posts new shit over the weekend, and then I realized that it will be irrelevant after Friday. Because Friday Night Lights is fucking ending and that makes me want to punch myself in the dick until I pass out and wake up to a new reality where those dickfarts at NBC greenlighted seasons 6 and 7 like they should have.

That being said, in real life, Eric and Tami Taylor totally boned. 100%.

p.s. Oh, the article's an in-depth oral history of the show.

p.p.s. Buncha dickfarts.

"Is the Mob as Laughable as Reality TV Makes It Seem?" - NYMag.com

Short answer no. Long answer yes.

An awesome interview with the FBI agent who orchestrated that big NYC mob bust last winter. I'm sure you read about it on the cover of the Post. Dude is very candid when speaking about the (mostly) guidettes now inhabitating all walks of reality television. One thing I didn't know is that that real skinny, druggy, sketchy looking dude who was that bug-eyed slut from NJ Housewives' "bodyguard" is actually connected pretty big time and would probably stab me if he knew I called that twat a bug-eyed slut. Food for thought.

"The 10 Greatest Music Moments on Friday Night Lights" by Jayson Greene - GQ.com

I love this article, mostly because I hold Friday Night Lights as the second greatest show of all time behind The Wire (edged out The Sopranos this season in fact) and also because I'm a fan of indie music and the show has been stacking my iPod for years now. If you like music, football, TV, or things of high quality, you'll like this (and yes the songs are included, you can listen to them while you read.)

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

Grantland brings back the YouTube Hall of Fame. I think this is a music edition sans Klosterman tossing in some video of Tolstoy from 1910.

I recommend watching the Cam'ron freestyle over Kanye West's "Dreams" beat that The Game had a hit on. Dude absolutely rips it and he is high as fuck. That being said, the writer Chris Ryan gets a little bit ahead of himself when he says Cam and Ghostface were the two best lyricists from 2001 to the middle of the decade. I'm a fan of Killah, but um, there was a fat dude from Yonkers named Jadakiss who was doing it pretty big his damn self during that time, brah. Reckanize.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"Loving Obama" by Stephen Marche - Esquire.com

Stephen Marche always brings the fire when he writes. The guy's good. Here he writes probably the most, I don't know, sincere(?) article I've ever read by him. Dude loves Obama. This is basically a love note to him so if you're into Barry O. you'll probably love this. And if you're not into him, well, I posted two other dope articles tonight (James Harrison wouldn't piss on Roger Goodell if he was on fire, quote). Anyway, the guy's still the first black president, figured out some bullshit on healthcare that I should know more about but don't, had his boys jack up Osama bin Laden, could cross up any other president ever on the court, and still has time to enjoy a goddam cigarette if he wants to. Because he's the President of the United States goddamit. And he's ours.

"James Harrison: Confessions of an NFL Hitman" by Paul Solotaroff - Mensjournal.com

I have no clue who Paul Solotaroff is or how he scored the cover article for Men's Journal, which might be the best men's magazine out there right now. But the things he got down on paper from NFL nutjob du jour James Harrison are pretty good. Read this if you want to hear Harrison's quotes on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell which are going to be literally everywhere the next week or so. Hint: he calls him a crook and a puppet and says he wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

"Bad Decisions" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Klosterman has been on fire lately. I've always liked his stuff but I feel like if you give him too much rope he'll hang himself with it. Thats is to say if you give him too big a word count his brain starts doubling back on itself when he's writing and his arguments get jumbled. Which is why he is killing Grantland right now in a good way. Keeps it short and to the (tangential) point. Here he writes about why he thinks Breaking Bad is better than The Sopranos (doubtful), Mad Men (probably), and The Wire (fuck outta here).

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"The Fan Who Fell to Earth" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com

Chris Jones is trying to break your heart.

"Where Does Derek Jeter Rank in the 3,000 Hit Club" by Will Leitch - NYMag.com

I think I once almost subletted a room with this cat Will Leitch in the East Village? I don't know, name sounds familiar to me. Anyway, he did a comparison of some of Jeter's other stats to players in the 3,000 hit club. The Captain comes out shockingly well I think. Granted his WAR sucked, and you could make the argument that that's the only stat that matters (how many games did he actually help his team win, as opposed to if some other guy was playing for him that day). But still, 13th in batting average, 15th in home runs, 14th in runs ... not bad. Oh, and he was numero uno in World Series rings. CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OOOFFFFFFF!!!!!

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Great question in the Deadspin Funbag. Would you kill a stranger if it meant that the NFL season would definitely happen? It's easy to get all righteous now in July, but what if I asked you the same question in the middle of September, and you were ... doing whatever the hell people who don't watch football do on Sundays in the fall. You'd kill a stranger. You know you would. You'd probably try to bargain for a third world stranger too because you're kind of elitist and slightly racist and don't think Third World lives are as valuable as the rest of us. Admit it. You would.

p.s. How the hell is it July?

"Michael Irvin: The Playmaker Preaches" by Roger Erickson - Out.com

A fascinating profile of Michael Irvin--who I have to, HAVE to think has uttered a gay slur once or twice in his day--in Out magazine. Pretty bold shirtless cover appearance for The Playmaker here. Kinda weird, but whatever. Irvin talks about homosexuality in pro sports and pledges his support for any athlete who does come out during his playing days. he also talks about his older brother Vaughn, who was an openly gay cross dresser, so there's that too.

Oh and he also talks about banging lots and lots of chicks.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Of the 1% By the 1% For the 1% - by Joseph Stiglitz - Vanityfair.com

The rich will soon rue the day they became wealthy! I mean, not as much as the poor rue the day they became poor, but still. Stiglitz has a point in here somewhere I'm certain of it. I think it's pro-poor people.

p.s. It's late.

"Agony and Ivory" by Alex Shoumatoff - Vanityfair.com

The Chinese (of course) are killing all the elephants. Big deal, it's not like elephants feel grief. Oh wait. They do.

I can't wait until that group of one billion tech-savvy deadbeats starts taking ownership of their portion of the globe. Oh, you wanna be a superpower? You want to wield enormous sway over the lives and economies of billions and billions of people? Cool, deal with Iran. And Pakistan. And North Korea. They're on your side of the bed.

Gonna make America look like Santa Claus. Mark it down.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

"The Prince Who Blew Through Billions" by Mark Seal - Vanityfair.com

Listen, this article is 27 pages long, and I haven't read the whole thing yet. But what I have read is pretty good. This little Asian cat-looking cat blew through 14 billion dollars that we know of. He was spending $50 million dollars a month. Had emissaries the world over looking for the hottest chicks to be in his concubine. Like legitimately combing the Andes' valleys looking for that one green eyed 15 year old Amazonian temptress to fit in there along with the big-boobed Persian and the slinky Filipino. He also spent $800,000 on erotic wristwatches. Read how.

"Bill Simmons Is God of Hollywood" - Kissingsuzykolber.com

Peter King went on vacay so the hearty souls at Kissingsuzycolber.com ranted about Bill Simmons' recent Grantland column about Ryan Reynolds and crushed it. If you've ever read Bill Simmons and thought to yourself, "the fuck is he talking about?" you'll love this column.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Q&A Bill James on Crime" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Bill James invented Sabremetrics, which measures unusual and often hidden statistics in baseball that help managers identify the true values of players. In a fascinating interview with Chuck Klosterman, he outlines how his system can be applied to crime and criminals. You'll want to read this.

"The Stigma" by Kayleen Schaefer - Details.com

A really interesting piece from Details. First thing we've ever Poop Read from Details I believe. Weird fucking magazine. I don't get it, your readership is "straight" guys who are standing in the entrance to the closet with the door open pointing their boners at the Tom Ford poster they hung in their room? Seems kind of niche to me.

Anyway, this story is kind of the flip side to all these rape accusations that either get shot down in court or never make it to trial. Think DSK, Duke lacrosse, the NYPD "rape" cops, and that tool you went to high school with who was grabby with chicks when he got drunk but didn't have it in him to actual force his penis inside of someone who didn't want it there. You know the type.

This dude in Oregon had a one night stand with a chick who falsely claimed he raped her. He was proven innocent, but not before his life was torn apart and his name dragged through the mud. Granted he's no saint, but damn, he didn't deserve that.

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

This has promise. I think this is a new thing on Grantland where the editors go through and pick out great/funny/ridiculous moments on YouTube and write about them, giving them a cultural frame of reference, or just harping on minutia in a way that's ostensibly entertaining. It's impossible to print out, but this is pretty good. I recommend giving it a shot.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"Blindsided: The Jerry Joseph Basketball Scandal" by Michael J. Mooney - GQ.com

So this 22-year-old cat named Guerdwich Monimere popped up at Permian High in Texas (yes that Permian High) a few years back claiming he was 16. And everybody believed him and he ended up wrecking shop in high school basketball until getting found out. Probably laid the shlong on some underage bitties too, but that is neither here nor there.

This story is pretty much my dream (sans the statutory rape part of course(of course!)). Feel like I could play the four real hot right now in the high school ranks. Granted I have no handle, shot, or basketball savvy. So what. I'd just plant my 30-year, barrel chested ass under the basket and rock the boards like a shorter, fatter, whiter Rodman in his prime. Get a few put-back garbage buckets. Have you seen 16 year olds these days? They look like they're 12. I'd swat those little bitches away like flies. I'd be a 20-10 guy (20 boards). Probably get myself a scholarship somewhere big time. Maybe go pro. I dunno. The world's your oyster when you're in you're pretending to be 16.

Deadspin Funbag by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Sigh. It's Deadspin Funbag time again. A hundred of you zeros are probably going to read this tomorrow even though it's the worst thing on here. Getting work boners in your khakis over the picture of the 50 Murray Hill 6's in Princess Leia costumes and shit.

Granted, the Princess Leia, Jabba-the-Hut chained-slave costume is probably the single hottest thing a chick has ever worn in movie history, but still. Goddamit.

Also, what the fuck is cosplay? I suppose I could google it, but then my computer would have that garbage in its history and I don't want it there. Not because it's porny, because it sounds nerdy.

I won't google Coldplay either but that's just because Coldplay sucks. Coldplay makes music for people who don't like music. I'm feeling critical tonight. Suck it.