"John Fairfax, Who Rowed Across Oceans, Dies at 74" by Margalit Fox - NYTimes.com

This fucking guy. How about this obit headline huh? Motherfucker rowed across the Atlantic and the Pacific. He got bored while rowing across the Atlantic, and it sounds like he used to beat it to planets (yeah), so when he crossed the Pacific he brought along a chick. Smashed her out in the canoe, which, reeally is almost as impressive as rowing across the Pacific Ocean. No ballast in those things. How did it not tip? The guy literally rocked the canoe. Also settled a fight with a gun once ... when he was 9. And was a pirate for a while. I wonder if he ever got laid?

Best obit ever. God bless John Fairfax. This is a must read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/us/john-fairfax-who-rowed-across-oceans-dies-at-74.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=fairfax%20obituary&st=cse

"The Greatest Drunk on Earth" by Richard English - Modern Drunkard

Another Poop Read must read. My boy Mess asked me today who I thought held the record for drinking the most beers ever in one day. My initial guess was that it had to be some Eastern European cat because all of those people are crazy and drunk. But I think if you gave me a little time I probably could have figured out the correct "real" answer: Andre the Giant. 7'4" 487 pounds, and the man drank like a fish. Fuck it the man drank like a whale. A blue whale. Here's the story of the time he drank 119 beers in six hours. That's three beers a minute ... for six fucking hours. How many times did he piss? No wonder that dude's dead.

http://www.drunkard.com/issues/10_06/10_06_andre_giant.html

"Animals" by Chris Jones - Esquire

This is a long piece and the second this week on that Zanesville Zoo massacre. I haven't finished reading it yet but I can tell you this: I got off the subway today and read it while walking to the gym, and then I sat on a bench in the gym and read another few pages before the smell of mold and old dudes' sweaty junk made me decide to finish it at home.

And again, everybody is scared shitless of the tigers. I may go to the Bronx Zoo this weekend just to see a tiger. Most badass animal on earth.

http://www.esquire.com/features/zanesville-0312?click=main_sr

"18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

First off, read this article.

This Zanesville Zoo thing is about the craziest story to ever happen anywhere ever. You remember, the guy who let like 60 lions and tigers and bears out of their cages behind his home and then shot himmself. Apparently he may have also cut his dick off and tried to feed it to a white tiger before he ate his gun too. Like, what the fucking shit is going on here? Then the cops roll up and have to fight these fucking things like real-life Buckhunter. Dozens of abandoned cars and school buses on the property, neighbors hiding in barns, rainstorm rolling in, lions eating horses. Just the nutsiest, most apocalyptic shit imaginable. Also everybody agrees the tigers were the scariest, which I could see. Tigers don't play.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201203/terry-thompson-ohio-zoo-massacre-chris-heath-gq-february-2012

P.S. With zero hyperbole I can say that cutting off your own bird and feeding it to a white tiger is the craziest shit available on the menu. Numero uno.

"Hysteria and the Teenage Girl" by Caitlin Flanagan - NYTimes.com

Bitches be crazy, yo.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/opinion/sunday/adolescent-girl-hysteria.html?_r=1&hp

"So What If Mountain Dew Can Melt Mice?" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

So some dude in Buffalo* or somewhere else shitty is claiming he found a mouse in his Mountain Dew bottle and wants to sue. But Mountain Dew had the absolutely positively disgusting wherewithal to say "that's impossible, if a mouse fell into a Mountain Dew bottle it would melt into a gelatinous blob of unrecognizable mouse matter." Which is shortsighted.

True or not, Chuck Klosterman, who apparently mainlines Mountain Dew all day urryday thinks it would be cool to eat a gelatinous mouse so he's defending his soda.

I dunno, slow day on the internets folks.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40237/so-what-if-mountain-dew-can-melt-mice

P.S. Forget if it was Buffalo or not but it was someplace shitty and Buffalo seems like a prime suspect to me.

"No Strings Attached" by David Roberts - OutsideOnline.com

Dudes seen this cat Alex Honnold? He's completely out of his mind. Climbs mountains, like sheer walls of rock, with no ropes or safety harness or nothing. Fucking real life Spiderman. Except I'm not sure if Spiderman can die or not? Because this guy is going to die. And soon.

Gotta respect his balls though. Got to. Here's a profile. If I knew how to embed video I would embed a video of him climbing and if you watched it I guarantee you would read this article.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/climbing/rock-climbing/No-Strings-Attached.html

"How A Senior League Hockey Fight Ended With One Player Pooping In An Opponent’s Glove" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

You gotta read this.

http://deadspin.com/5868584/how-a-senior-league-hockey-fight-ended-with-one-player-pooping-in-an-opponents-glove

"The Mad Man of Malibu" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

Nick Nolte was once voted People magazines sexiest man alive? What the fuck? What? 1992, yeah, it happened. I had no idea. He was like 60 in Blue Chips and that came out in like '94. Is that what chicks were into in the 90s? Old dudes with nut tucks* and weirdo mug shots? I'm so confused. Here I was this whole time working out and trying not to drink and drive. Fuckin' A, huh?

Anyway, this GQ profile of him is pretty cool. He is totally nuts but in that weird way that also makes you wonder if you're nuts for sitting in a cube crunching numbers for a third of your total waking hours on earth. That's the kind of crazy that inspires people to assassinate dictators and shit.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201201/nick-nolte-profile-chris-heath-gq-january-2012

*No idea why this stuck with me but when I was like 11 I woke up to a Z Morning Zoo on Z100 before school one day and they were talking about how Nick Nolte had his scrotum shortened to make his dils look bigger in comparison. Just one of those things that sticks with ya I guess.

"The NBA's 'That Dude Made What' All-Stars" by Robert Mays - Grantland.com

Goddamit these dickheads are overpaid. Stop watching the NBA now please. Or whenever it starts. These dudes don't deserve this loot. Like 20 of them deserve it. The rest of them, no no no. No. This is really insane.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/12245/the-nbas-that-dude-made-what-all-stars

"Married to a Pedophile" by Tracy Clark-Flory - Salon.com

This bitch is straight up and down nuttier than squirrel shit. Her husband got convicted of diddling a little girl and she stayed with him. ("Hey hon, I cheated on you! With a 12 year old!") And she's got her young sons living with him in the house. Jay-sus. I don't know. Crazy shit. Read this.

http://www.salon.com/2011/11/30/married_to_a_pedophile/

p.s. This happened in Florida. Smart money says the Orlando area. I think like 1/5 of the population there consists of child abusers and kidnappers. Watch the news.

"Van Gogh's Ear" by Adam Gopnik - Newyorker.com

This article from the New Yorker about an alternate theory of how van Gogh lost his ear (Gauguin cut off it off with his self-defense sword. Really.) Is remarkably well written. Check this out.

"If Trollope, as someone said, demonstrates that sanity need not be philistine, van Gogh demonstrates that insanity need not be insular. The stripping away of conventional decorum that van Gogh’s illness forced on him made him almost unnaturally present, alert to the world; when his mind went wrong, he became all heart.""

Good shit there.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/01/04/100104fa_fact_gopnik

"Healey Rides Great White Sharks" by Brendan Thomas - Surfer.com

I randomly flipped open a Surfer magazine the other day and saw this cat just cruising along with a great white shark. Click on the link, this dude Mark Healey is a big-time big-wave surfer, getting totally gnar on 60-foot faces for his 9 to 5, and in his spare time he hitches rides on 20-foot-long great whites. Y'know, for kicks. (There's pictures.)

Two observations that may seem obvious:

1. This dude has nuts bigger than my head.

2. He won't see 30.

Live life, taste death, I guess.

http://www.surfermag.com/features/healey-rides-great-white-sharks/

"Coming Together to Fight for a Troubled Veteran" by Erica Goode - NYTimes.com

A touching story from the front page of the Times. This ex-Marine basically tried to commit suicide by cop a while back, and could have gone to jail for a long time, but the cop he attacked, and his case judge and his lawyer figured out a way to get him the psychological help he needs instead of just giving him hard time. Now they're using his case as the legal framework to help out the thousands of GI's suffering from PTSD who are coming home by the plane load. Pretty cool.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/18/us/18vets.html?_r=2&hp

"The Real Breaking Bad: Confessions of a Former Meth King" by Mark Sullivan - Dailybeast.com

This cat used to hole up in the dessert with some Hell's Angels for muscle and cook meth, literally, like you see on TV. He thinks he could be the real life guy from Breaking Bad. Dude was raking in four million bones a year and living in a drug-money-bought mansion with like, Jet Skis and shit. Then things took a turn for the worse.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/07/16/the-real-breaking-bad-confessions-of-a-former-meth-king.html

"The Man Who Will Cook You Anything" by Adam K. Raymond - Esquire.com

Some carnie out in Cali will cook any animal he can get his small disgusting carnie hands on for you. Lion, maggot, gator, it doesn't matter to this dude. And really it shouldn't matter to you.* Meat is meat is meat. I ate a live conch dick the other day. No big deal. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just tough like that. "Hey kid you want some conch dick? " he says. "Sure," I say. And slurp that shit down. Tastes like salty spaghetti. Also immediately got hard. It's basically natures Viagra.

But my boner is neither here nor there you sick animals so stop thinking about it. All I'm trying to say to you, is I will slap some Frank's hot sauce on a black bear burger and wolf it down so fast it'll make your head spin, and that's all I know.

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/jungle-george-amusements-071811?click=pp

*Except maggots. People who eat maggots are worthless.

"Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap" by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

This dude is the second funniest dude writing on the internet behind El Pres and KFC over at Barstool. NJ Housewives is entertaining to me because I'm from a town in New Jersey where that show is not all that ironic. But I shit you not these recaps are hysterical, and I've been known to watch the show just so I can get the most out of the recap the next day.

I realize nobody watches this show except for me and possibly my boy Dan. So here you go Dan, you're own little Poop Reads moment of zen. You're welcome.

http://gawker.com/5822210/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-hells-bells

"I’m Gonna Need You to Fight Me On This: How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD" by Mac McClelland -

The title of this article is preposterous for what it's about. Just preposterous.

Read here for sex, guns, and chicks who are 100% batshit.

http://www.good.is/post/how-violent-sex-helped-ease-my-ptsd/

p.s. 100%. Trust.

"James Harrison: Confessions of an NFL Hitman" by Paul Solotaroff - Mensjournal.com

I have no clue who Paul Solotaroff is or how he scored the cover article for Men's Journal, which might be the best men's magazine out there right now. But the things he got down on paper from NFL nutjob du jour James Harrison are pretty good. Read this if you want to hear Harrison's quotes on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell which are going to be literally everywhere the next week or so. Hint: he calls him a crook and a puppet and says he wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

http://www.mensjournal.com/jamesharrison

"The Survivor" by Ryan D'Agostino - Esquire.com

Not even gonna lie. I read this on Memorial Day and my throat caught three times at least. This is a profile of that Dr. in Connecticut who's home got robbed and they raped and killed his wife and two daughters and then burned down the house. Awful choice for a beach read. Also the best story I've read in 2011, hands down.

http://www.esquire.com/features/william-petit-case-0611?click=pp