"An Athlete and His Money are soon to Part" by Noah Davis - GQ.com

First off, 60-80% of NFL and NBA players are bankrupt within five years of leaving their respective leagues despite average salaries of over a million dollars per year. That is fucking BONKERS. But not really. Because think about the best athlete in your high school class. Then think about how dumb he was. Then times that by ten. That's how dumb most NFL and NBA cats are. Makes more sense now, right? Torii Hunter might be the stupidest person on earth. Read the article to find out why. There's a sucker born every minute folks.

http://www.gq.com/sports/guides/201204/athletes-millionaires-bankrupt-spending?mobify=0

"Dog in the Building: DMX Returns" by Kevin Lincoln - GQ.com

D! to the M! to the X! Last I heard you cowards were having sex, with the same sex! I made a workout mix with a bunch of DMX songs a few weeks back and A. DMX is hands down the best performer of all time to lift weights to and B. I woke up with that line in my head one day and kept saying it in the morning while I was getting ready for work and I think I managed to give my fiance cold feet.

In my humblest of opinions, DMX is one of the greatest rappers ever, in the top 10 for sure, and supremely underrated as a lyricist. He came off so hardcore and crazy barking and shit, but some of his lyrics were straight up thoughtful and even clever. Also I'd say he has one of the very best rap voices of all time. No one ever in hip hop has managed to sound quite as menacing as Dark Man X, and that's not up for debate.

Which is why this article about his latest comeback attempt is a little sad. It really sounds like he's just had it. He's trying to stay true to himself, but the drive to go forward and the market for his stuff just doesn't exist. Sucks. Dude's a legend.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201202/dmx-interview-rapper-comeback

P.S. The opening line in this story, about how the writer isn't sure if DMX is being sincere when he says he's grateful for the interview, I believe he truly was thankful. My boy T. Dubs is kind of into that whole scene, and has met a bunch of rappers, and said DMX was the coolest, most genuine one he ever met. Also said Suge Knight was cool too. But Fabolous was a gigantic dickhead. I could see that.

"18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

First off, read this article.

This Zanesville Zoo thing is about the craziest story to ever happen anywhere ever. You remember, the guy who let like 60 lions and tigers and bears out of their cages behind his home and then shot himmself. Apparently he may have also cut his dick off and tried to feed it to a white tiger before he ate his gun too. Like, what the fucking shit is going on here? Then the cops roll up and have to fight these fucking things like real-life Buckhunter. Dozens of abandoned cars and school buses on the property, neighbors hiding in barns, rainstorm rolling in, lions eating horses. Just the nutsiest, most apocalyptic shit imaginable. Also everybody agrees the tigers were the scariest, which I could see. Tigers don't play.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201203/terry-thompson-ohio-zoo-massacre-chris-heath-gq-february-2012

P.S. With zero hyperbole I can say that cutting off your own bird and feeding it to a white tiger is the craziest shit available on the menu. Numero uno.

"Dinner, Movie, and a Dirty Sanchez" by Siobahn Rosen - GQ.com

Funny article from some chick who has banged a bunch of dudes who watch too much YouPorn. Apparently chicks don't want a thumb in the butt while you blow it in their eyeball? That's not hot? Coulda fooled me.

Real talk though, you guys are fucking twisted. I want a daughter like I want a hole in the head.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201202/real-life-porn-sex-youporn-facial

"Don't Be the Worst: How to Date Multiple Women" by Boobs Radley - GQ.com

Nice article. I have zero use for it, but maybe some of you do. Tips on how to juggle the hoes in your stable. I'm going to go meet my fiance now. I have nothing to say about this article.

Boobs Radley is a funny name.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201109/sex-column-how-to-date-multiple-women

"The Whole True Story of the Dougherty Gang" by Kathy Dobie - GQ.com

This is a really cool story about that group of siblings from Florida who went on a crime spree last summer I think it was. It's written by Kathy Dobie, a newish writer for GQ who has kind of made a cottage industry for herself of writing about disenfranchised, poor, southern youth. Wild, wild story, and well written too.

Decide for yourself if the author is too sympathetic to the Dougherty's. Yes their lives sound pretty bleak, but I get the feeling she glazes over the fact that the older one is probably a sociopath. Also they shot at cops a bunch of times. That being said, it's hard not to feel for them. Being poor and out of options sucks.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201201/dougherty-gang-crime-story

"The Mad Man of Malibu" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

Nick Nolte was once voted People magazines sexiest man alive? What the fuck? What? 1992, yeah, it happened. I had no idea. He was like 60 in Blue Chips and that came out in like '94. Is that what chicks were into in the 90s? Old dudes with nut tucks* and weirdo mug shots? I'm so confused. Here I was this whole time working out and trying not to drink and drive. Fuckin' A, huh?

Anyway, this GQ profile of him is pretty cool. He is totally nuts but in that weird way that also makes you wonder if you're nuts for sitting in a cube crunching numbers for a third of your total waking hours on earth. That's the kind of crazy that inspires people to assassinate dictators and shit.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201201/nick-nolte-profile-chris-heath-gq-january-2012

*No idea why this stuck with me but when I was like 11 I woke up to a Z Morning Zoo on Z100 before school one day and they were talking about how Nick Nolte had his scrotum shortened to make his dils look bigger in comparison. Just one of those things that sticks with ya I guess.

"The Hangover Part III" by Brett Martin - GQ.com

GQ sent a writer to go hang out with Aziz Ansari, David Chang, and LCD Soundsystem frontman James Murphy while they got fucked up in Tokyo. Assignment was basically go party with these dudes and write about it. And that my friends, is why people want to write for magazines.

Here's where I come down on these cats:

James Murphy: Rockstar and hipster icon. I really like LCD Soundsystem which might make me a hipster but the fact that I just said that makes me not one so eat a dick. "Dance Yrself Clean" is my favorite LCD soundystem song, and sometimes I drink a drink called the James Murphy, which is champagne with a shot of Jameson. In Murphy's words, "the champagne gets you drunk and the whiskey keeps you that way." It doesn't taste gross either, you can hardly taste the whiskey. Sign me up.

David Chang: Founder of Momofuku, or as I like to call it Mo-mo-fuck-you. Hipster icon. I hate this guy. He gets all this love from critics and all these people that think eating his food makes them cool. Meanwhile all he does is slang fat sandwiches disguised as steamed pork rolls in over-priced restaurants that people try to convince you are cheap. Second worst dining experience of my life was at a Momofuckyou. The one on 12th and 2nd. As far as I'm concerned this dick still owes me the 90 bucks he stole from me that night.

Aziz Ansari: First funny Indian guy ever?

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201111/aziz-ansari-james-murphy-david-chang-tokyo-trip-gq-december-2011

p.s. Worst meal I've ever had in NYC was at The Old Homestead steakhouse hands down. Place smells like a dirty shoe, the steak came out cold, and they tried to rip us off on the bill. Go to Keen's instead and thank me later.

"Jay-Z: King" by Alex Pappademas - GQ.com

I haven't read this yet but it's getting a lot of pub. Alex Pappademas is a good writer and he profiled Jay-Z. That's a money Poop Read if there ever was one. This is why Poop Reads is.

http://www.gq.com/moty/2011/jay-z-gq-men-of-the-year-issue

"Upon This Rock" by John Jeremiah Sullivan - GQ.com

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"His Own Private Idaho" by Sean Flynn - GQ.com

This story's kinda crazy and deranged. An ex Boston mafia guy moved to Idaho and started a new life with a fake identity. Everybody thought he was just some dumb city boy who didn't know dick about farming. They were half right.

How he got caught is the real rub to this story though. Sometimes even bad people are capable of the best intentions.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201111/jay-shaw-story-boston-mob-feds-escape

Interview with Omar from The Wire by Mark Anthony Green - GQ.com

Omar's real name is Michael K. Williams but you ain't even know that, so I changed the title of the article in the title of the blog. Deal.

Omar was an unfairly cool and likeable TV character. One of the best ever. Now Williams is playing another likeable thug in Boardwalk Empire. He gets asked if he's worried about being typecast from here on out. Great answer. Basically he's like "shit nah, I'm tryin' to eat." Fair enough Omar. A man's gotta have a code.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/movies-and-tv/201110/michael-kenneth-williams-boardwalk-empire-wire-community-interview

"Rick Ross's Simple Lessons for Bosses, Dons, and Bitches" - Devin Friedman - GQ.com

The rare well written profile of a rapper. Devin Friedman's take on the black Jabba the Hut, Rick Ross the Boss. The great thing about this fat blob with the caramel voice is that he is both in on the joke and outside of it. He is a throwback hip-hop star who understands the irony of having a gold-and-diamond pendant of his face--the size of his face--without fully accepting it.

The author gets really, really stoned with him too.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201109/rick-ross-interview-gq-october-2011

"Diner for Schmucks" by Alan Richman - GQ.com

This is a great article for anyone who has ever wanted to be a food critic. Really gives an insider's view as to what it's like. Also completely eviscerates this restaurant M. Wells in Queens, where Richman, a long-time food journalist, experienced something he's never quite had happen to him before.

http://www.gq.com/food-travel/alan-richman/201109/alan-richman-m-wells-restaurant-scandal-review

"The Impossible, Inevitable Redemption of Micahel Vick" by Will Leitch - GQ.com

Don't have a lot of time to post but wanted to get this up. It's an interview with/profile of Mike Vick in the newest GQ. He says a bunch of controversial stuff and quotes from this interview will be everywhere by tonight. Haven't given it a good gander yet though. Anyway, you heard it here first.

http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201109/michael-vick-gq-september-2011-interview

"GQ Q&A with C.M. Punk" by Tom Breihan - GQ.com

Pro wrestling is still a thing huh? Who watches it? I honestly think my boy Glennzo might be keeping the WWE afloat and that's only because he lives in Nebraska and has nothing else to do.

This guy C.M. Punk is all over the place now. Simmons wrote about him the other day, and now he's getting interviewed by GQ, so I assume he is poised to become relevant outside of the ring somehow. Shrug. Figured you guys might like it. I never got into wrestling because I wasn't allowed to watch it as a kid. But I wasn't allowed to watch Punky Brewster either so what do I know?

I will say this, the article mentions that this dude has female wrestler Beth Phoenix "lounging" on his couch in his Chicago loft. Sounds kind of hot. Then I googled Beth Phoenix. Chicks is balls. If she was on my high school football team she would have been the biggest dude there. Granted we sucked, but still.

http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201107/cm-punk-wwe-wrestling-interview?printable=true

p.s. How weird is Punky Brewster as a banned show to watch when you're a kid? Married with Children, The Simpsons, WWF, and Punky Brewster. Might as well have banned me from watching Small Wonder.

"How to Approach a Girl on the Internet" by Julieanne Smolinski - GQ.com

How not to get Weiner'd. Read up if you're a creep. Not judging. There is no judging here.

Leggett's unleashed it's fury on me and now I'm paying for it. You know you drank a lot when you don't get hungover until 7pm.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201107/sex-column-social-networking-facebook-google-plus

"The 10 Greatest Music Moments on Friday Night Lights" by Jayson Greene - GQ.com

I love this article, mostly because I hold Friday Night Lights as the second greatest show of all time behind The Wire (edged out The Sopranos this season in fact) and also because I'm a fan of indie music and the show has been stacking my iPod for years now. If you like music, football, TV, or things of high quality, you'll like this (and yes the songs are included, you can listen to them while you read.)

http://www.gq.com/sports/lists/201107/friday-night-lights-soundtrack-music-episodes

"When Is It OK to Send a Girl a Picture of My Penis?" by Julieanne Smolinski - GQ.com

Simple answer to the question posed above. Fucking. Never. It's a dick dude. Not tits. No one wants to see your dick. Certainly no one who hasn't seen it before. Amateurs. And if it's not a hog, leave it in your pants and just hope if she ever does see it that she's a lady about it and doesn't tell all of her friends.

Funny article written by GQ's new sex columnist. Worth your time.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201106/sexting-anthony-weiner-message

"Balls Out Guest of the Day: Brian Phillips On Jason Kidd, Hall-of-Fame Groundhog" by Brian Phillips - GQ.com

Pretty cool take on the curious career of Jason Kidd. Phillips compares him to Rocky Balboa and a groundhog. Guy was born to lose. Looks like a pit bull or a biker. From Oakland. Beats his wife (maybe?). Still likeable? Kinda feel like he is. Never was really sure why. Phillips lends some clarity to the issue.

http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2011/06/jason-kidd.html