"Can't Lose: The Hold Steady's Craig Finn Goes Solo" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

The internet gods were kind as hell today. This is my 7th article of the night and quite frankly I'm spent. This is an awesome profile of the awesomest dude going, Craig Finn of The Hold Steady, the best band in the world. He released a solo album today called Clear Heart Full Eyes that is partially inspired by Friday Night Lights. Awesome, just awesome. Can't wait to hear it.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/41803/cant-lose-the-hold-steadys-craig-finn-goes-solo

"The Mad Man of Malibu" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

Nick Nolte was once voted People magazines sexiest man alive? What the fuck? What? 1992, yeah, it happened. I had no idea. He was like 60 in Blue Chips and that came out in like '94. Is that what chicks were into in the 90s? Old dudes with nut tucks* and weirdo mug shots? I'm so confused. Here I was this whole time working out and trying not to drink and drive. Fuckin' A, huh?

Anyway, this GQ profile of him is pretty cool. He is totally nuts but in that weird way that also makes you wonder if you're nuts for sitting in a cube crunching numbers for a third of your total waking hours on earth. That's the kind of crazy that inspires people to assassinate dictators and shit.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201201/nick-nolte-profile-chris-heath-gq-january-2012

*No idea why this stuck with me but when I was like 11 I woke up to a Z Morning Zoo on Z100 before school one day and they were talking about how Nick Nolte had his scrotum shortened to make his dils look bigger in comparison. Just one of those things that sticks with ya I guess.

"The Hangover Part III" by Brett Martin - GQ.com

GQ sent a writer to go hang out with Aziz Ansari, David Chang, and LCD Soundsystem frontman James Murphy while they got fucked up in Tokyo. Assignment was basically go party with these dudes and write about it. And that my friends, is why people want to write for magazines.

Here's where I come down on these cats:

James Murphy: Rockstar and hipster icon. I really like LCD Soundsystem which might make me a hipster but the fact that I just said that makes me not one so eat a dick. "Dance Yrself Clean" is my favorite LCD soundystem song, and sometimes I drink a drink called the James Murphy, which is champagne with a shot of Jameson. In Murphy's words, "the champagne gets you drunk and the whiskey keeps you that way." It doesn't taste gross either, you can hardly taste the whiskey. Sign me up.

David Chang: Founder of Momofuku, or as I like to call it Mo-mo-fuck-you. Hipster icon. I hate this guy. He gets all this love from critics and all these people that think eating his food makes them cool. Meanwhile all he does is slang fat sandwiches disguised as steamed pork rolls in over-priced restaurants that people try to convince you are cheap. Second worst dining experience of my life was at a Momofuckyou. The one on 12th and 2nd. As far as I'm concerned this dick still owes me the 90 bucks he stole from me that night.

Aziz Ansari: First funny Indian guy ever?

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201111/aziz-ansari-james-murphy-david-chang-tokyo-trip-gq-december-2011

p.s. Worst meal I've ever had in NYC was at The Old Homestead steakhouse hands down. Place smells like a dirty shoe, the steak came out cold, and they tried to rip us off on the bill. Go to Keen's instead and thank me later.

"Jay-Z: King" by Alex Pappademas - GQ.com

I haven't read this yet but it's getting a lot of pub. Alex Pappademas is a good writer and he profiled Jay-Z. That's a money Poop Read if there ever was one. This is why Poop Reads is.

http://www.gq.com/moty/2011/jay-z-gq-men-of-the-year-issue

"Goodbye, Mr. Big" by Jay McNierney - NYMag.com

This article by 1980's hotshot writer Jay McInerney is great. It's a profile of the real-life Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Dude was a stud. But also not a stud. A half-Jewish half-Italian kid from Peekskill who barged into the big-time NYC magazine publishing game and charmed the pants off of everyone. Literally.

Then at the peak of his career he took off and moved to a farm in Vermont, which, for my money, is fucking awesome. Dude probably had pet goats. I want pet goats. All sure-footed and capable of producing alternative dairy products. SOMEBODY GET ME A GOAT!

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/media/features/n_10334/

"The Silent Season of a Hero" by Gay Talese - Grantland via Esquire

I'm not 1,000% sure what happened here. Grantland took an Esquire piece from 1966 written by the great Gay Talese about the also great Joe DiMaggio and published an annotated version of it? I dunno, they basically just wrote an introductory paragraph. Not sure how this happened. Either way, it's considered one of the greatest pieces of sports journalism of all time, and it's definitely worth your time.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7115592/silent-season-hero

"The Baddest Lawyer in the History of Jersey" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

This dude Paul Bergrin was a badass. Rolling in a Bentley through Newark to represent Lil Kim and Hakeem Curry (look it up). Dudes rolling with prison tattoos that said "'No witness, No case' - Paul Bergrin". That's some goddam advertising. (Although maybe not if they got those tats in actual prison. I digress.)

Anyway, whatever, it looks like he actually killed a witness and got caught running a cocaine ring, and a prostitution ring. 120 pounds of coke in your car is a lot.

http://nymag.com/news/features/paul-bergrin-2011-6/

"Aaron Rodgers: The Quarterback" by Tom Junod - Esquire.com

I always thought Aaron Rodgers kind of looked like B.J. Novak from The Office no? Anybody? I think so, especially with the helmet on.

Anyhoo, I always wondered what he was actually like, because outside of being dead-nasty with a football in his hands, he seems kind of personality-less. Here one of the better writers in the game, Esquire's Tom Junod, pretty much proving me right.

http://www.esquire.com/features/sports/aaron-rodgers-profile-1011

"Rick Ross's Simple Lessons for Bosses, Dons, and Bitches" - Devin Friedman - GQ.com

The rare well written profile of a rapper. Devin Friedman's take on the black Jabba the Hut, Rick Ross the Boss. The great thing about this fat blob with the caramel voice is that he is both in on the joke and outside of it. He is a throwback hip-hop star who understands the irony of having a gold-and-diamond pendant of his face--the size of his face--without fully accepting it.

The author gets really, really stoned with him too.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201109/rick-ross-interview-gq-october-2011

"Why Me: Alec Baldwin's Disappointment, Undimmed by Success" by Ian Parker - Newyorker.com

Fuckin' Baldwin huh? Guy basically plays himself for a living telling jokes Tina Fey wrote on 30 Rock and he's still not happy. Like bro that is the life. You are literally doing you and getting paid millions of dollars to do it. You're like the Situation or Kim Kardashian just gallivanting around the earth being yourself and having people love to watch you do it. Only difference between you and dumb-dumb sticks and ol' big butt is that you are in on the joke. You are funny, charismatic, and likable and they are complete and utter ass hats. Take joy old man, it doesn't get any better than that.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/08/080908fa_fact_parker

"The Wrestler in Real Life" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

I can not tell a lie. Today the internet came kind of soft. This piece on how complete a fuck-up Ric Flair is was the best I could find, and it's more of a chronology of his white-trash life than anything else. Dude has had the cops called for domestic violence with three different wives. Because they were beating him up. One, creatively, with a cellphone charger, which if you think about it, would probably really fucking hurt.

This whole pro-wrestler-as-complete-degenerate thing is weird. Why are they all so fucked? I guess because they're roided out, white trash who are always on the road? Kind of like small-time rockstars with big muscles and a whole hell of a lot more to prove? Shit who knows? The Nature Boy done fucked up though. WWOOOOOOO!!!! (how's this guy still alive?)

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6891795/the-wrestler-real-life

p.s. He is still alive right? I didn't finish the article.

"Jay-Z: It Takes a Harmless, Hand-built Gangster to Run This Town" by Lisa Taddeo - Esquire.com

This is an older (2010) article in Esquire profiling Jay-Z. He comes off as very smart, very smooth, and very duplicitous. Which brings up an interesting conundrum. His raps are all about how he is a smooth criminal and precisely that he is duplicitous. So if he is two-faced in real life, does that make him genuine and earnest? Does it? I dunno, I just thought myself in a circle right then.

http://www.esquire.com/features/people-who-matter-2010/jay-z-business-0210-3

"CJ Chivers: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman - Esquire.com

Bold statement here but one I feel good about. CJ Chivers' "The School" is the best magazine article I've ever read. Some people will tell you it was "Frank Sinatra Has a Cold" by Talese or John Sack's "M". But for my money, it's Chivers' piece on that Russian school that was overrun a few years back by Chechen terrorists. The guy is a master. A former Marine who dropped out of college to sign up for the Corps after the Marine barracks in Beirut were blown up by terrorists in 1983, Chivers has gone on to become a superstar of journalism. Rightfully so.

Here he gives an interview to Esquire in their great "What I've Learned" series of profiles.

http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/cj-chivers-interview-0911?click=main_sr

"The Eli Experiment" by Michael Lewis - NYTimes.com

Fuckin' Eli. Listen I'm a Giants fan and I want to root for him but he makes it damn hard sometimes. Like if your from Boston and you want to gloat over Tom Brady and his overrated wife that actually looks like a trannie go right ahead. I'll tell you 12 times out of 10 that Eli beat Brady head to head and in sports that makes you better. Also that Boston is basically Queens North and your accent makes you sound 400 SAT points dumber.

That being said Eli is out of his cot-damn mind with these "I'm in the same class as Tom Brady" quotes. Motherfucker, I saw your stats side by side with Brady's today on TV and I laughed out loud. You're not that. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it.

My guess is he said it because that was his best guess at what a big macho leader quarterback should say. But he is not a big macho leader quarterback. He's Eli. Pretty good pro QB. Beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Surprisinigly clutch on occasion. And hates playing football. That's all there is to it.

This Michael Lewis article from the Times in 2004 is a great look into Eli's strange psyche when he just came out of school. A must read for Giants fans.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/19/magazine/19MANNING.html?_r=1&=&pagewanted=print&%23038;position=

"Michael Irvin: The Playmaker Preaches" by Roger Erickson - Out.com

A fascinating profile of Michael Irvin--who I have to, HAVE to think has uttered a gay slur once or twice in his day--in Out magazine. Pretty bold shirtless cover appearance for The Playmaker here. Kinda weird, but whatever. Irvin talks about homosexuality in pro sports and pledges his support for any athlete who does come out during his playing days. he also talks about his older brother Vaughn, who was an openly gay cross dresser, so there's that too.

Oh and he also talks about banging lots and lots of chicks.

http://www.out.com/slideshows/index.asp?slideshow_title=Michael-Irvin-The-Playmaker-Preaches&theID=1#Top

"The Fighter and the Damage Done" by Kevin Gray - MensJournal.com

Great story on Dicky Ecklund, the crackhead brother of MickFace McMarkyMark or whatever that dude's name was in the fighter.* Guy's a mess. No matter how hungover your 30 year old carcass is on Monday morning, trust this: You feel better than this guy.

http://www.mensjournal.com/the-fighter-and-the-damage-done

*I know who Micky Ward is, don't get your labias in a twist.

"A Free Man in L.A." by Vanessa Grigoriadas - VanityFair.com

A profile of Justin Timberlake. Fuckin' Timberlake. Triple-threat motherfucker. Single again and living in L.A. just smashing down any and every chick in the world literally whenever he wants. Basically his life is like one giant game of Supermarket Sweep except instead of with groceries it's with pussy. Ridiculous.

Dude def has herpes right? I feel like every celebrity has to have herpes. Way higher percentage than you think. If you could have sex with every single person you ever met I guarantee your bird would look like a pizza with everything on it. B'lee dat.

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/features/2011/07/justin-timberlake-201107

"Can Bill Simmons Win the Big One" by Jonathan Mahler - NYTimes.com

So this is upposed to be THE defining profile of Bill Simmons. This blog would not exist without Bill Simmons. Neither would Deadspin (which linked me to it), Barstool (which my friends talk about more than any other piece of current pop culture) or any of the the other myriad sports/pop culture writers, Web sites, and shows out there. Love him or hate him, the guy changed the game. Bill Simmons used to fuck guys like you in prison. Read this.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/magazine/can-bill-simmons-win-the-big-one.html?_r=1&utm_campaign=Feed:%20nyt/rss/Sports%20%28NYT%20&utm_medium=feed&%2362;%20Sports%29=&seid=auto&smid=tw-nytimessports&utm_source=feedburner&pagewanted=all

"The Sword and the Stoned" by Alex Pappademas - GQ.com

Is Danny McBride the funniest person in the world right now? Zack Galifiannanniakiskus is so last year. Daniel Tosh is overrated. Gotta be Danny McBride, right? He's the dude from Eastbound and Down and the new comedy Your Highness. Do yourself a favor and get to know him better by reading this.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/movies-and-tv/201104/danny-mcbride-your-highness-kenny-powers

p.s. No way that's natalie portman's real ass in this movie. Have you seen the trailer? There's just no way. Too much pop in that thing for a 90 pound Long Island chick.

"How A Young Man Lives" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com

I reached way back for this great Clinton Portis profile again by our friend Chris Jones. Clinton Portis is wacky. Love that guy. Don't care that he may or may not fuck sea anemones.

"[His] headboard ... consists of an aquarium that nearly reaches the ceiling, a square-shouldered arch filled with salt water, coral, fish, and a freakishly large sea anemone that looks an awful lot like a gaping vagina. "You gonna fool yourself, too?" Portis says. "I know what this looks like, but I got a woman down in Miami. We been together seven years"

http://www.esquire.com/features/the-game/ESQ0906GAME_139