Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

The best baseball moments recorded on film in pop culture. Pretty cool stuff. No crying in baseball, Field of Dreams, etc.

What I'm more interested in talking about in re: great baseball moments is, did you know that Kirk Gibson was basically the fastest white dude of all time? Look it up, that same mustachio'd Kirk Gibson who hobbled around the bases in the '88 World Series after jacking that home run. Apparently he played flanker at Michigna State and when he came out he was supposed to be the next Mickey Mantle. Like the greatest raw, white talent anybody had ever seen. Reports coming in that he ran a 4.1 forty. Shit is incredible to me, though I've mentioned this to about 30 different people today and I think maybe one person cared and he works with me so he may have just been being professionally diplomatic. Whatever, shit is bananas.


"Wall Street Bonus Withdrawal Means Trading Wall Street for Coupons" by Max Abelson - Bloomberg.com

I almost feel bad posting this because I know a lot of finance heads read this and most of them are genuinely good dudes who are just trying to do the best they can. That being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE THE PEOPLE IN THIS ARTICLE COMPLETE SACKS OF SHIT. Read this if you want to be infuriated by some guy complaining about how people don't understand how hard it is getting by on $350,000 a year. I'm going to stop writing now because the only thing I can think of when I think of these people is redrumredrumredumredumredrumredrumredrumredrum ...


P.S. It's not even it's true or not. Everybody gets sucked into a lifestyle, and before you know it you got a big mortgage and private schools and car payments. But have the fucking decency and common sense not to say it out loud. And DEFINITELY not to say it to a fucking reporter. Seriously how someone with their head this far up their ass got to this point financially should worry all of us. Something ain't right.

"Audi vs. BMW: The War Escalates" by Rob Schwartz - Forbes.com

This was bearly Poop Readable but I still thought it was cool. A short history of a billboard war being waged in California between Audi and BMW. For my money Audi is making the best looking cars on the road right now. Just crushing it with their designs. I'd buy one if I made more than average blogger. Which is zero dollars.


"The Malice at the Palace" by Jonathan Abrams - Grantland.com

This is an oral history of the fight where Ron Artest beat some nerds ass in the stands because some fat asshole threw his beer at him. Pretty solid.

How much would it take for you to fight Ron Artest? I'd do it for 70 grand. I don't know, the number just speaks to me. I'm not getting my ass beat into oblivion by a crazy giant from Queensbridge for a cent less either. Seventy grand or the deal's off.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

"Is this the Sexiest Non-Nude Movie Scene of All Time" by El Pres - BarstoolSports.com

Not technically an article but whatever. El Pres from Barstool ranks the top ten sexiest non-nude movie scenes of all time. Watch it on your Ipads or whatever. I don't fuck with tablets. I'm barely fucking with wireless internet right now, which is why I can't actually watch these videos because my shit keeps buffering. Wireless internet sucks. It does not work, you can not tell me otherwise. Give me wires and a fast internet connection, or give me death.


P.S. He forgot the possession scene with Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. Are you the gatekeeper? You're goddam skippy I am. I woulda knocked the bottom out of that demon, I swear to god.

"If You Feel OK, Maybe You Are OK" by H. Gilbert Welch - NYTimes.com

You're not fucking sick. You're not lactose intolerant, you just fart a lot. You don't have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you're just tired like everyone else in the world is. And you're not allergic to gluten, you're just a pain in the ass who wants other people to plan their meals around you.

That's basically the gist of the article. People need to stop worrying about their health. It all probably evens out, between the stress you put on your heart by worrying about that freckle on your shoulder, and the chances it's actually a deadly cancer. Mathematicaly speaking, you're still probably gonna live til you're 87. So pour yourself a drink and shut the fuck up.


P.S. I have a buddy who hasn't been to the doctor for a check up in years. He just gives blood every now and again, and figures if he has AIDS or something they'll test it and tell him. It's genius. Kid saves money on doctors like a motherfucker. That's the kind of ingenuity America was built upon.

P.P.S. Yes Kyle, it is Chuck.

Monday, February 27, 2012

"In Defense of Ryan Braun" by Charles P. Pierce - Grantland.com

I didn't get a chance to read this but I trust Charles Pierce and some of my dudes got all riled up about it today so I say read it. I haven't been really following this story but I don't see how if the dude didn't get any bigger or heavier or faster or whatever, how could he have been doing steroids? I'm no scientist but that shit doesn't make any sense to me. Was he taking duds? Because taking shitty steroids shouldn't be illegal. Dude's just shrinking his nuts with no upside. My two cents.


"I Went to the Pre-Oscar Celebrity Gifting Suites and All I Got Was This Sense of Disgust" by Hamilton Nolan - Gawker.com

It's true what Ben Kingsley said on the Sopranos, the richest people in the world could afford anything they want if anyone ever charged them for it. But they don't get charged. Hamilton Nolan goes behind the scenes at the OSCARs to see for himself the ridiculously nice shit celebrities get for free. Just in case being rich, talented, and beautiful wasn't enough, they get cool shit handed to them too. Bullshit. Eat the rich.

Or just make me rich. Either/or.


"Dog in the Building: DMX Returns" by Kevin Lincoln - GQ.com

D! to the M! to the X! Last I heard you cowards were having sex, with the same sex! I made a workout mix with a bunch of DMX songs a few weeks back and A. DMX is hands down the best performer of all time to lift weights to and B. I woke up with that line in my head one day and kept saying it in the morning while I was getting ready for work and I think I managed to give my fiance cold feet.

In my humblest of opinions, DMX is one of the greatest rappers ever, in the top 10 for sure, and supremely underrated as a lyricist. He came off so hardcore and crazy barking and shit, but some of his lyrics were straight up thoughtful and even clever. Also I'd say he has one of the very best rap voices of all time. No one ever in hip hop has managed to sound quite as menacing as Dark Man X, and that's not up for debate.

Which is why this article about his latest comeback attempt is a little sad. It really sounds like he's just had it. He's trying to stay true to himself, but the drive to go forward and the market for his stuff just doesn't exist. Sucks. Dude's a legend.


P.S. The opening line in this story, about how the writer isn't sure if DMX is being sincere when he says he's grateful for the interview, I believe he truly was thankful. My boy T. Dubs is kind of into that whole scene, and has met a bunch of rappers, and said DMX was the coolest, most genuine one he ever met. Also said Suge Knight was cool too. But Fabolous was a gigantic dickhead. I could see that.

"The Top Eight Reactions From the 2012 Oscar Winners (and Losers)" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

My boy Glennzo mentioned this article to me today and said that Amos Barshad killed it. I read it and it didn't really crush me or anything, but then again I didn't watch the oscars, so uh, do you with that what you will.

Am I the only one who doesn't get the fascination with Meryl Streep? Are people really going to the movies to see her act? Does any straight male in America think she's as "bbeeaaauuttiiffulllll" as chicks insist she is? I just, I don't know, like I said, she's fine, she's a good actress, but I'm not kicking down doors to see her movies and I don't know anyone who is.


Sunday, February 26, 2012

"The Sound of Violence" by Daniel Engber - Slate.com

Slate explains why punching sounds in movies went from dull thuds to wet crunches. It's way more interesting than I just made it sound. Shit got mad visceral because you sick animals want it that way. Also, I haven't seen Drive, but from the clip I saw embedded in this article it looks like Ryan Gosling stomps some guys head completely off? Props there. Do you, Gosling.


"The Kremlin's Not Laughing Now" by Josh Yaffa - NYTimes.com

Here's my man Josh "Hove" Yaffa comin' in hot with a New York Times column on Russian satire in the face of political disenfranchisement and fraud. Russians aren't funny, as a rule. They'd rather face chronic oppression with a tall glass of cheap vodka and a bleak sense of fatalism. But now apparently the worm has turned and they're running around with pictures of Putin wearing condoms as hats, so, good for them? Feel like everybody that makes a joke about Putin has about 6 months to live if they're lucky, before they randomly come down with a case of acute arsenic poisoning. Dude is ruthless. Eyes like coal.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

"Where's George" by Jane Mayer - NewYorker.com

Politics. Super PACs. Donations. Finance. Blah blah blah. I didn't read this but some of you cats like this politics bullshit so I'll post it.

You know it doesn't matter who you vote for though right? Might as well write in Poop Reads as your president. Your vote doesn't matter for shit and even if it did the dudes who are running are so minimally differentiated and incapable of changing anything that it doesn't mean a thing. Not a hoot. Politics is just something that exists so shifty politicians can grift money and have sex with chicks that wouldn't talk to them otherwise. The only other reason it could possibly exist is so that assholes can 'argue' about it in the hopes of making someone else look stupid because they just read something in the Economist or heard Bill O'Reilly spout out some populo-elitist bullshit and want to tell people about it. People that argue about politics should drink 10 whiskey sours and drive themselves home.


P.S. George Soros is one weird looking motherfucker huh?

"The Nostalgia Fact-Check: Does The Bodyguard Hold Up?" by Kyle Buchanan - NYMag.com

I don't really remember The Bodyguard except for the fact that the music was literally everywhere when I was like, what? Eleven? I also remember the samurai sword scene, Whitney Houston would melt your dick right off your hips in that scene. Other than that, there was a toy boat blowing up and some weirdo hard-tittied robot costume that Whitney wore. That's all I got.

Costner, was he underrated, overrated, or perfectly rated? Always seemed kind of boring to me for a hollywood megastar. Never really saw it. He seemed like Harrison Ford's kicked-down and beat-up little brother. Harrison Ford sneaky grossed more than any other film star ever. Stars Wars, Indiana Jones, the Patriot Games movies. Fact. Look it up.


Monday, February 20, 2012

"John Fairfax Loved Hookers: Ten ‘Juicy’ Stories Omitted From His NYT Obit" by Leah Beckham - Gawker.com

Oh, uh, an addendum to the most interesting man in the world's obituary. Dude llooovvveedddd hookers. Shocker.


"We All Want to be Kenny Powers" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Quick hitter here. Tom Chiarella waxes philosophic on whether we want to laugh at Kenny Powers, or laugh with him. I mean, I haven't watched Eastbound and Down in a while, but at the end of season one he bangs the big tittied chick right? Doesn't everybody want to do that? Why would we laugh at him? Banging chicks with big tits is cool. Everybody knows that.


"Correction: Dave Grohl Does Not Hate You Because You Use a Computer" by Amos Barshad - Grantland.com

Dave Grohl laid a fart on Skrillex's head during his acceptance speech at the Grammy's. As well he should. Do you realize that Dave Grohl is only 43? That's incredible, dude was the drummer for fucking Nirvana before he became the frontman for one of the top 5 biggest bands of the last, what? Fifteen years? Talk about a career. He seems like a cool guy too. Genuine, if a litle dorky even for a rockstar. So genuine and dorky in fact, that he issued this apology for his speech, which actually makes a lot of sense and is pretty funny. I know I laughed out loud at one point, but I can't remember when, it was towards the end I think.


"John Fairfax, Who Rowed Across Oceans, Dies at 74" by Margalit Fox - NYTimes.com

This fucking guy. How about this obit headline huh? Motherfucker rowed across the Atlantic and the Pacific. He got bored while rowing across the Atlantic, and it sounds like he used to beat it to planets (yeah), so when he crossed the Pacific he brought along a chick. Smashed her out in the canoe, which, reeally is almost as impressive as rowing across the Pacific Ocean. No ballast in those things. How did it not tip? The guy literally rocked the canoe. Also settled a fight with a gun once ... when he was 9. And was a pirate for a while. I wonder if he ever got laid?

Best obit ever. God bless John Fairfax. This is a must read.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary doesn't want his kid playing youth football.

His kid is probably going to be a pussy.


"Jon Hamm's True Hollywood Story'' by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Tell ya what. I didn't read much today. Was busy flying through the clouds on an American Airlines flight catching a fart in the face from God or Satan or both. I can't tell. Shitty day. This Jon Hamm article was probably one of the top three things that happened to me, and it's only worth reading if you're a Jon Hamm fan. So there you go. Never say I lied to you.


Monday, February 13, 2012

"Person of Interest: Jeremy Lin" - Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

I didn't have a chance to read it but I trust Jay Caspian Kang, and Jeremy Lin is obvi hot in these streets right now. There's a lot of crazy things about this dude and this story, but the one that kills me is how much casual racism gets tossed into his overnight stardom. Motherfuckers just running around in the stands bowing to each other when he scores, and holding up signs that say "Who says Asians can't drive?" How is this just sliding by? Can you imagine if this cat was black and people were pulling this shit? There would be riots in the street. People would be getting shot in the south. Black guys would probably give up basketball en masse for hockey. It'd be pandemonium.

Jeremy Lin is a good sport.


"The Rise of the Asian Superjock" by Tom Scocca - Slate.com

Deadspin republished this Slate article from 2002 about how Asians are taking over sports like it was written by some prescient genius. It's an interesting read, but genius it is not. It points out that at the time, Tiger Woods, Ichiro, Yao Ming, and Apollo Ohno were all 'dominating' their sports.

To wit, Tiger was dominant, yes. And I'm chalking that up to the fact that he got the Asian concentration and will to practice coupled with a black man's athleticism. That combination is almost unfair.

Yao Was a-ite but he was never dominant. Ichiro was good but to say he dominant is hyperbolic to the limits. And Apollo Ohno bro? Big fish in a little pond much? Damn.

This guy can make all the arguments he wants about Asian athletic dominance, but it's a weak premise. Like, yes, a few Asian dudes have done extremely well in their chosen sports. But considering there's what? Two billion Asians on the planet? Maybe more? Shouldn't we have more than four we can point too as great athletes? And if they were the most athletic race--if such a thing should exist--wouldn't they be dominating major sports leagues, given their exorbitant percentage of the world's population? The answer on all accounts, is yes.

This article's bullshit.


"My Debt to Ireland" by John Jeremiah Sullivan - NYTimes.com

John Jeremiah Sullivan is a serious writer doing serious things with this story on his Irish roots. He basically goes to Ireland and gets sloshed at a bunch of bars, but as happens with all good writers, this practice gives him great insight into himself and by extension, you, you dumb mick.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

"The Emasculation of Wall Street" by Gabriel Sherman - NYMag.com

I love how New York magazine and all these hipster Occupy losers and whatnot are trying to tell people it's no longer cool to work on Wall Street. Like yeah it was never "cool" to work 100 hours a week in a cube with a bunch of self-impressed nerds who conflate their net worth with their self worth so you could black out at B-Bar on Thursday night, and if you work in finance and you talk about your job in front of anyone else who doesn't work in finance you--with no doubt-- are a boring tool. But it's still kind of cool that otherwise mildly normal dudes can go work at a bank and make as much money as a cornerback and fuck chicks they'd never even get a whiff of if they didn't have that loot behind them. So in some ways, working on Wall Street will always be cool. Because being rich is cool. Quit trying to tell me otherwise.


"The Art of Fact Checking" by Hannah Goldfield - NewYorker.com

Ha! Writers are such dickheads. This article proves it. As far as dickheaded professions go it goes like this:

1. Small forwards
2. Bouncers
3. Writers
4. Cops
5. Vice Principals

Pretty cool look behind the scenes of how a magazine article gets put together here.


"Vince Wilfork Straight Up Told The Refs They Blew A Call In New England’s Favor" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

This clip of Vince Wilfork telling a ref he blew a holding call in the Super Bowl is pretty awesome. Wilfork is one big fat motherfucker, but he does seem like a decent dude. I'd love to play with him. Just a 400 pound happy motormouth running around like a pre-diabetic 4 year old playing with a bunch of 2 year olds out there. I'd follow that guy into hell, or at least into the closest 7-11.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

"10 Tips to Dating a Wall Street Man" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

So CNBC actually published this list of things to do to keep a 'Wall Street Man' as your boyfriend. And KFC from Barstool went ahead and translated it into real talk. Pretty funny.

Really all it boils down to is this: If you're going to date a man just for his money you need to keep your body tight, keep the sex hot, and know when to shut the fuck up and mind your own business. You're a prostitute now honey, act accordingly.


"Back in Play" by David Remnick - Grantland via The New Yorker

I didn't get a chance to finish this but I'll take Grantland's word that it's an all-time classic. Remnick is obviously a heavyweight and he followed Jordan around for his return season after the foray into baseball. Has to be good right? I don't know I can't make myself care about the NBA. I'm basically in a football-related K-Hole right now.


"Chipotle is Apple" by Matthew Yglesias - Slate.com

Apparently the Chipotle business model is killing the game right now? I guess that makes sense. They're everywhere. I never thought they were all that, always liked Baja Fresh better--better tortillas. But kids used to swear by this shit in college. And granted college kids don't know shit about food, but they eat a lot of it for sure. So what do I know?


"Survival Skills: Sugar Ray Leonard" by Sean Woods - MensJournal.com

I guess this Survival Skills series is kind of like Esquire "What I've Learned", except with the question posted along with the answer. Here Sugar Ray weighs in on what it takes to be a man, what makes him happy, and what means the most in life.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

"Men are Men" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

What a glorious day on the internet. Tons of good articles. So many good ones I cut some that I initially wanted to post because the heat was brought too properly.

Here's Tom Chiarella on why you can take your little 'man-cession' and shove it right up your ass. This article is inspiring.


"The Greatest Drunk on Earth" by Richard English - Modern Drunkard

Another Poop Read must read. My boy Mess asked me today who I thought held the record for drinking the most beers ever in one day. My initial guess was that it had to be some Eastern European cat because all of those people are crazy and drunk. But I think if you gave me a little time I probably could have figured out the correct "real" answer: Andre the Giant. 7'4" 487 pounds, and the man drank like a fish. Fuck it the man drank like a whale. A blue whale. Here's the story of the time he drank 119 beers in six hours. That's three beers a minute ... for six fucking hours. How many times did he piss? No wonder that dude's dead.


"Animals" by Chris Jones - Esquire

This is a long piece and the second this week on that Zanesville Zoo massacre. I haven't finished reading it yet but I can tell you this: I got off the subway today and read it while walking to the gym, and then I sat on a bench in the gym and read another few pages before the smell of mold and old dudes' sweaty junk made me decide to finish it at home.

And again, everybody is scared shitless of the tigers. I may go to the Bronx Zoo this weekend just to see a tiger. Most badass animal on earth.


"I Was a Teenage Black Panther" by Jamal Joseph - TheAtlantic.com

This is an excerpt from a book this dude wrote about joining the Panthers when he was younger. Starts out with him running from the cops and getting shot at, and then being protected by a group of Panthers in about the most badass way possible. The Panthers do hand him some wise advice right off the bat though. If a cop tells you to freeze, don't run. Once you run, all bets are off.

Running from the cops is like banging another dude's wife. Sure you could do it, but if you do, you better get away with it. Because if you get caught, you could easily get killed before you can say 'bad decision.'


"The Gifted Young Athlete" by Kenny Powers - Grantland.com

Hahaha. I can do no better service to this letter from Kenny Powers to Tim Tebow than to print this excerpt from it.

"Jesus helps us win at sports games, yet he's nowhere to be found when poor people need important medicine for their kid's infection, or when they're late on a mortgage payment. Think about it. There are folks in Africa who get AIDS without even being gay. Yet here Jesus is, helping me & Tebow out in sports, just because we're maybe a little bit cooler in his eyes. It's a raw deal, plain and simple. Even though he's hooking me up, I still see it's kind of a cocksucker move on Jesus's part."


"Win a Championship, Lose a Knee" by Stefan Fatsis - Deadspin.com

Dudes saw Jake Ballard drop like a writhing ton of bricks on the sideline during the Super Bowl right? Torn ACL, and a long road back to healthiness. This guy Fatsis* presupposes that maybe he partially injured his knee on the play, and that the doctors on the sideline let him run away to see if he could go back in, and that's where he really injured himself. Pretty fucked up if so. Here's to you Jake, feel better.


*Toughest last name for a chick, ever?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary delves deep on whether or not you can recreate specific farts. Like if you eat the same exact thing will it smell the same a month later.

It doesn't work. I've tried. You can't recreate the magic. Once it's lost, it's gone forever. You only live once fellas, grip it and rip it.

We hold no pretenses here at Poop Reads.


"Shut Your Mouth, Chris Christie" by Ron Rosenbaum - Slate.com

Chris Christie is big and fat and loud and Ron Rosenbaum thinks his fat Jersey guy schtick is getting old. I don't care where he's from, I just have no respect for fat people. Like this dude really sneaky wants me to vote for him at some point to be President of the United States? To make the biggest decisions in the world? And he can't decide to not eat that third gabagoul sandwich at lunch? When he's like what? 5'10" 320? Get the fuck outta here.


P.S. If he runs for president he'll legit have a heart attack on the campaign trail. Not wishing it on him, just saying.

P.P.S. It was a complete guess, but 5'10 320 seems about right, no? Nailed it.

"Worldstar, Baby" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

I take issue with this author's claim that the dude who got his ass beat by the shirtless black kid on the L train was the first video on WorldStar to reference WorldStar, but I could be wrong.

Wait you guys know World Star Hip Hop right? It's one of the most ridiculous sites on the web. Just ghetto fights and booty shaking and budget rap videos like you see, well ... on Word Star Hip Hop. It's grimey. Real grimey. New York Mag goes in depth on where it came from, because it's also one of the most popular Web sites in the world. Good shit.


Monday, February 6, 2012

"The Ballsiest Call in Super Bowl History" by Brian Burke - Deadspin.com

Click on this article and read the entire series that was going on today between the Slate And Deadspin guys. As I've said all season it's some of the best football writing on the internet.

This one is about that call to let Bradshaw score the touchdown. It breaks it down with Sabermetrics, and apparently if Bradshaw went in the G-Men had an 88% chance of winning and if they kicked the field goal they had a 98% chance of winning. Call me old fashioned but I still would have scored the TD. It's the fucking Super Bowl. Take the points for the win and trust in your D to stop the Pats from going 80 yards in 57 seconds. A lot of things can go wrong on a 25-yard field goal. I dunno, numbers say I'm wrong but as I've always maintained, numbers are for nerds.


P.S. When that ball got tipped and there was a moment from the one angle where it looked like Gronk was gonna come down with it I almost threw up on my Sebagos. Like immediate puke. Can you imagine Gronk's status if he did come down with that? Would be bananas. Best football play ever. Would make the helmet catch look like a father-son toss in the park. Gronk would instantly have become the most famous, most popular athlete in the world and an all-time legend, even if he retired today.

Thank fucking God that didn't happen.

"18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

First off, read this article.

This Zanesville Zoo thing is about the craziest story to ever happen anywhere ever. You remember, the guy who let like 60 lions and tigers and bears out of their cages behind his home and then shot himmself. Apparently he may have also cut his dick off and tried to feed it to a white tiger before he ate his gun too. Like, what the fucking shit is going on here? Then the cops roll up and have to fight these fucking things like real-life Buckhunter. Dozens of abandoned cars and school buses on the property, neighbors hiding in barns, rainstorm rolling in, lions eating horses. Just the nutsiest, most apocalyptic shit imaginable. Also everybody agrees the tigers were the scariest, which I could see. Tigers don't play.


P.S. With zero hyperbole I can say that cutting off your own bird and feeding it to a white tiger is the craziest shit available on the menu. Numero uno.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

"A Look Inside NBC's Playbook for the Super Bowl Broadcast" by Jeremy Repanich - Deadspin.com

Ever wonder how they get all those ridiculous angles on every single play in the NFL on camera. Wonder no more.

Feel free to keep wondering how the refs always seem to fuck it all up with so many camera angles to watch though.


"Rapper Ja Rule serving two years for gun possession, finds a new posse behind bars" by Joanna Malloy - NYDailynews.com


I don't give a fuck if 50 cent did completely and toTally boss him out of the rap scene, Ja Rule had one of the greatest rapper voices of all time. Just burly, and it came out of a dude that looked like a newborn puppy too, which is just wild when you think about it. Where did all that bass come from? How did he accumulate so much gravel in that voice when he looked like just a cutie wutie puppy wuppy. Who's a rapper? Who is it? Is it Ja Rule? Yes it is. Yes you are a rapper! Oh yes you are!

Anyway, dude is in jail now and making friends with Alen Hevesi and Dennis Kozlowski, two big-time white collar criminals. Dennis Kozlwoski once spent like $2 million embezzled dollars to build a giant ice dildo in Greece for his wife's 60th birthday or something. Now him and Ja Rule are boys, and Joanna Malloy from the Daily News has tagged them a "posse". Hip. Really though this shit is surreal.


I'm not wrong.

P.S. Dennis Kozlowski has got to be the most successful Seton Hall grad .. ever?

"Where Lupo the Wolf Goes for Dinner" by Megan Abbott - NYTimes.com

Rao's, y'all familiar? One-time-mobbed-up-maybe-still-is old-school pasta joint in Harlem. I guess some mobster got shot there in '93 and before that in the '70s it was really the shit. Like Carlo Gambino ate there and whatnot. It's supposed to be the hardest table to get in New York and my mom has it's trademarked spaghetti sauce in her refrigerator. I don't know, color me unimpressed. Red sauce Italian joints are red sauce Italian joints. It's hard to improve on a good plate of meatballs or cavatelli and hot sausage, and you can get that shit cheap in a lot of places. I guess if you want to maybe get shot inside a restaurant and definitely get stabbed and/or mugged when you leave this is the spot to go? I dunno, here's it's history though.


P.S. Megan Abbott is a chick crime novelist. I didn't even know they made those. What'll they think of next?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"Meat of the People" by Bryan Curtis - Slate.com

This is an article about Boar's Head, which you all know, but know nothing about. All I know about it is on the off chance that I go to a gross NYC bodega to get a sandwich (usually piss drunk) that little ugly boar's head on the label makes me feel a little bit better about ingesting the sure-fire rat-nibbled dead animal I'm letting the she-man laughing at al-Jazeera news programs behind the counter make me a sandwich with. It's like a seal of approval that the meat you are about to eat did not come from a homeless person. So ... yay, Boar's Head?


P.S. Not joking about the she-man thing. I have no idea if the person behind the counter at my local bodega is a man or a woman. I'd guess it's like 60/40 a woman, but I wouldn't bet a dime on it.