Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Monday, February 28, 2011

"Monday Morning Quarterback" by Peter King

Peter King writes a solid column. Here he pontificates on the NFL draft (the part I read) and the labor talks (the part I didn't read). I don't care what happens, I just hope they're playing football on Sundays next fall.


"Charlie Sheen, Stan Rosenfield Cut Ties" by David Hinckley

Charlie Sheen thinks "OD'ing is for amateurs". I'm fully convinced that Charlie Sheen is just fucking with everyone and this is all performance art at this point. Agitprop, if you will.

Either that or he's going to be dead by springtime. One or the other.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

"Player Excised" by Anonymous

This is a pretty cool piece from Deadspin. ESPN the Magazine runs a column called "Player X" where a player writes a piece from the inside about pertinent issues in his sport. This one is written by an NBA player about cheating on women. ESPN ran a very nice, clean article that was pretty much what you might expect. Deadspin got its hands on the unedited original, which uh, is a bit more real-real son.

Opening line that got cut by ESPN? "Tiger's fifteen? No big deal."


"NFL Scouting Combine: Consensus Number 1 Draft Pick has Yet to Emerge" by Don Banks

Curious about who's gonna go first in the NFL draft? Yeah me neither, G-Men aren't picking first. That being said if you've talked yourself into anyone in this draft being a better pro than AJ Green you're nuttier than the deuce you're about to drop.


"Another Runaway General" by Michael Hastings

So this is the hot article out right now, and a follow-up piece to the one that got General Stanley McChrystal fired as the lead general in Afghanistan (you know, the one where he and his staff wacked a few Bud Light Limes and called Joe Biden "Joe Bite Me"). But anyway, apparently the US Army employed Psychological Operations specialists to sway visiting senators to give them money and effectively prolong the war. Noteworthy quote screamed by an Army Colonel: "It's not illegal if I say it isn't!" Ruthless! Also, pretty fucking scary.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"Ask A Lady" by A Lady

So I'm linking to a chick blog, www.thehairpin.com. My source there swears up and down that it's a "blog for everyone," but I don't know any dudes that wear hairpins. I'm sorry, I don't. That being said, I read the blog and enjoy it, so I'm linking to it and you're just gonna have to deal, bro.

This article has people writing in with questions about chicks and a pretty funny anonymous Lady answering their queries. I particularly enjoy how she sneaky evicerates the last guy.


"The Hunter Becomes the Hunted" by Daniel Voll

Poop Readers have been emailing me this story like all day ur'ryday since it came out. Pretty cool read about the top terrorist hunter in Iraq, his close friendship with an American intelligence officer, and about how he's kind of SOL once America withdraws from Iraq.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"The School" by C.J. Chivers

This article, about a Chechen terrorist attack on a Russian school on the first day of school in 2004, won the prestigious Michael Kelly Award and is maybe the best magazine article I've ever read. These are the opening lines:

"Kazbek Misikov stared at the bomb hanging above his family. It was a simple device, a plastic bucket packed with explosive paste, nails, and small metal balls. It weighed perhaps eight pounds. The existence of this bomb had become a central focus of his life. If it exploded, Kazbek knew, it would blast shrapnel into the heads of his wife and two sons, and into him as well, killing them all."


"Trading Places: New Names Crack the Top 50 Part II" by Bill Simmons

Here's the second part of Simmons' NBA trade value sheet. Numbers 26-1. Number one Is not Timofey Mozgov. MOZGOV!!!!!!!


"Trading Places: New Names Crack Top 50" by Bill Simmons

Numbers 50-26 of the Sports Guy's top trade value players in the NBA. So readable. Nothing says "Poop Read" like Bill Simmons. That's why god made him.


"Chris Rock: The ESQ+A" by Scott Raab

Chris Rock is not a comedian. He's a philosopher who speaks the truth and just happens to be funny. This exchange with Esquire's Scott Raab about Lebron says it all:

SR: [Lebron's] got a LOYALTY tattoo.
CR: Loyalty to friends. And all his friends are right there. God bless him.
SR: They all wanted him to stay.
CR: No, they didn't. They all wanted to go. And by the way, he's surrounded by six 25-year-old black guys — where do you think they want to be? They want to be in Miami.


The Apostate: Paul Haggis Vs. the Church of Scientology" by Lawrence Wright

This article from the New Yorker is getting all sorts of pub for its fact checking, as well as the courage to take on and expose some of the secrets of the notoriously sue-happy Church.


Friday, February 18, 2011

"The Brains Behind BeachBody's P90X" by Darren Dahl

From Openforum.com comes this story about the marketing behind P90X, you know, that cultish workout program that weird dude you knew in high school who suddenly lost 40 pounds and now dominates your facebook feed with pictures of himself pretending he doesn't know he's flexing his muscles, is so hyped about. (You know the guy.) P90X: Bring it!


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"Lady Dies Working at Her Cube . . .No One Notices" by El Pres

A rare link to Barstool Sports. Some poor lady in California died in her cubicle and no one noticed for at least 24 hours. El Pres preaches. "I graduated from the University of Michigan with a liberal arts degree and my only marketable skill being that I was a “people person”. Essentially being a people person means that you like sports, woman, drinking and aren’t good at math or science. It was a real killer combination of skills that I knew would have potential employers lining up at my front door to throw wads of cash at me once I hit the job market."

Ignore the comments section.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Fight Like a Pretty Boy" by Alex Morris

So apparently all these hipster, pretty-boy, male-model types are getting their collective dicks kicked in by real fighters and thugs in unsanctioned boxing matches in Chinatown, and its the hot thing to go see happen in New York City.


ps. the writer tries to make it sound like the models win sometimes, but there's just no fucking way.

"Eagles over Wolves in a Rout" by Rick Reilly

I used to love Rick Reilly. Lately I've been kind of "eh" on him though. Whatever, this article is good. It's about that kid in Philly who bullies dragged around and stuck in a tree (maybe you saw the youtube video the bullies posted--they're in jail now). Reilly manages to pull in brutal African conflicts, JD Salinger, that tears of Whoopi Goldberg, and The Marines. On top of that, he achieves the heretofore impossible--making Desean Jackson not seem like a total douche. Have at.


Monday, February 14, 2011

"2045: The Year Man Becomes Immortal" by Lev Grossman

By 2045 computers will become smart enough to kill us all. Either that or our consciousnesses will be scanned into a database and we can all live forever virtually. But I'm pretty sure they're going to kill me.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

"Jersey Shore: The Greatest American Tragedy" by Brian Moylan

This dude Brian Moylan has been recapping Jersey Shore for Gawker.com for a while now. I still really like that show, and knowing that one of these recaps is coming the morning after makes the show even better because you end up trying to guess what he's going to pick up on and mock. For my money Moylan is one of the funniest guys writing on the web right now.


"Frank Sinatra Has a Cold" by Gay Talese

Another gem from Esquire.com, this story was published in 1965 and is widely considered one of the best, if not the best, magazine stories ever written. It's a profile of Sinatra. Read it, and pay attention to what Ol' Blue Eyes does when the young lady shatters the alabaster bird.


"The Anniversary: Youtube, 6" by Chris Jones

Youtube is only 6 years old? Wtf? Really? Anyway, this Esquire.com piece is kinda short but has an insightful take on what Youtube means to society-at-large (hint: it quantifies awesomeness and killed lying).


Sportsguy Mailbag

Get used to Bill Simmons' mailbags around here. These will be a staple of Poop Reads. If you've read Simmons' before, you know his mailbag posts are his best work, if you haven't read him before--you're welcome.


"The Lords of Rikers" by Geoffrey Gray

Shit goes down in the Riker's Island Juvie wing for real. It's like Lord of the Flies except in jail, with violent criminals instead of little weenie British kids and snails. After reading this piece from NYmag.com you'll be glad you stayed in school.


"The Somewhat Romantic Story of Mark Sanchez and a 17-year Old Girl" by A.J. Daulerio

Though the new format over at Deadspin.com confuses the hell out of me, I usually enjoy when they do longer posts. This one, by head honcho A.J. Daulerio, chronicles the (alleged) burgeoning, somewhat questionable relationship between Jets QB Mark Sanchez and a 17-year old Connecticut chick (the title pretty much says it all). It's an interesting look into how these kinds of stories, which intermittently dominate the internet, get their start.