Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.



Wednesday, June 29, 2011

"Gone Forever: What It Takes to Disappear" by Evan Ratliff - Wired.com

Really cool article from Wired.com of all places on what it takes for someone to disappear in this day and age. I guess it fits for Wired because there's so much data tracked by technology today--not like the 1800s when you could just move two states over and tell everyone in town your name was Bill and you were set? Boom. New life. Old-timey times were so sketch.

Anyway, according to this, one of the main problems people who fake their deaths have is boredom. They can't really do anything interesting, because if they do, they'll get caught. I don't know if I buy that though. Based on exactly zero (0) personal experience, I feel like I could sit around and watch TV and youtube for the next ten years or so and be quite alright. Maybe hit the gym every once in a while and escape to some dumpy bar for a brew-dog or nine whenever I got thirsty. Form superficial friendships with a bunch of grimy drunks and wile away my days like my shit don't stink. Doesn't seem like a bad way to spend a decade really. I feel like that. I don't know that from personal experience. I feel it.

"Bernie Madoff Feels like a Pinata" by Bess Levin - Dealbreaker.com

Aww, you guys! Bernie Madoff feels like he's being picked on by the media (and presumably everyone in jail with a fetish for butt raping soft, old, evil men). Poor guy, he really did a lot of good in his day before he robbed blind so many people that trusted him. We should really cut him some sl-fuck that shit. No joke, I read this article yesterday and just before I came across it I was telling my boy how it would be worth it to commit a crime just to go to jail for a day and curb stomp this fat asshole like my name was Tony Soprano. Leave his teeth laying all over the street like chiclets. Honestly, one day in jail. It's worth it. Might be worth it for a week. Over a week and I'll leave it to Cletus, Mack, and Levon to levy their own brand of meat-justice against him.


p.s. The only good thing I can say about Bernie Madoff is that the name of his sportfishing boat Bull was a stroke of genius. It was a big, burly boat, designed as a place where guys could shoot the shit, owned by a man who was lying about the stock market doing well. So many levels. Smartest thing he ever did.

p.p.s. Meat-justice is the best term for prison rape ever.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

"In the Evening" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Listen, I've been reading Klosterman since '88. Matter of fact I used to do research for his column at Esquire for a bit. And I shit you not, this might be my favorite thing he's ever wrote. Dude is fire flames here breaking down a clip of a Led Zeppelin performance. Exhibit A:

"Play [The Beastie Boys'] "So What'cha Want" to any group of non-self-conscious Caucasian people, and they will all find themselves slouching their shoulders and intermittently throwing their hands forward with their palms turned inward. There was a time when this sort of thing was copied behavior, but now it's more like ingrained behavior."

If you like music, writing, smart things, or funny things, read this. You won't be disappointed.

"Since When Are We All Such Geeks" by Eryn Green - Esquire.com

Eryn Green has really distinguished herself here. She's becoming a regular Poop Reads contributor: The first female one. Granted she's got lay-up topics--basically anything she thinks is interesting in pop culture that month, but still, due propers, Eryn Green.

Here she opines on why we love comic book movies and shitting on dumb beauty pageant contestants. Hint: You're not as cool as you think you are. And if you're one of those self-effacing type cats who would admit to being a nerd before being cool, but actually think you're cool somewhere deep down inside, well, you're even worse. Hipster.


UPDATE: Just found out Eryn Green is actually a dude. Fuck kind of name is that?




"Rinderpest, Scourge of Cattle, Is Vanquished" by Donald G. McNeil Jr.

Welp, y'all can breathe easy now. They finally got rid of Rinderpest, the deadly cattle disease. Not even joking this is kind of a big deal. Last time they eradicated a disease it was smallpox, and that was in like, christ? The fifties? This is only the second one they've ever done completely away with. And though it only effects cattle, think about that. Really. A disease that can kill 95% of cloven-hoofed herds can have an enormous effect on herding and farming populations who depend on them for milk and meat (not to mention us, enjoying our porterhouse and schlag at Luger's). And apparently this disease has literally changed the course of history. Helping Genghis Khan and hindering Alexander in their quests for world domination. And now it's gone.

Weird shit to think about I know, but give it a shot. It's cool.

Monday, June 27, 2011

"The Alpha Male" by Mark Jenkins - Outside.com by Mark Jenkins

Quick hitter here guys, might want to print two unless you've been crushing Fiber One bars lately (and if you have please tell me where you buy them because I can't find them shits anywhere anymore). An interview with the dude who plays the most interesting man in the world in the Dos Equis commercials. I legit think these are the funniest and best commercials going right now. Like yeah that ghetto flat-brimmed hat company paid Baldwin and Jim from The Office a bunch of loot to be themselves in commercials and that's funny too, but for pure originality it's Dos Equis all the way.

A nice little cherry on top for me with these commercials is that my pops absolutely does not see any humor in them. Just doesn't get the jokes and thinks the main guy is stupid and uninteresting. Fairly certain Pa Dukes views this guy as his competition for coolest man in the universe and isn't going to give him the satisfaction of saying his commercials are good. And I respect that. A man's gotta keep his edge. Never let 'em see ya sweat pops.

"Why Is It So Hard to Get a Good Bagel Outside of New York City?" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

It's not the water. It's actually shockingly simple. Kinda makes me think I should start a bagel store somewhere that's not NYC.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

"The Fighter and the Damage Done" by Kevin Gray - MensJournal.com

Great story on Dicky Ecklund, the crackhead brother of MickFace McMarkyMark or whatever that dude's name was in the fighter.* Guy's a mess. No matter how hungover your 30 year old carcass is on Monday morning, trust this: You feel better than this guy.

http://www.mensjournal.com/the-fighter-and-the-damage-done

*I know who Micky Ward is, don't get your labias in a twist.

"Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Are you guys fucking serious? I checked Poop Reads' stats the other day and three of the top five articles all time are fucking drunken hookup failures. Failure and drunkeness are funny sure, but this is bullshit. These articles aren't even good. It's a poor man's Sports Guys mailbag. What the shit are you thinking? I understand this blog is for the populace and blah-dee-blah-blah-blah, but jesus christ guys. We got David Foster Wallace on here. Regularly. We got Klostermann and the whole goddam getalong gang over at Grantland. Broaden your horizons for once for Jesus Christ's sake, if not your own.

Anyway, some chick ate shrooms and then wouldn't fuck this guy who thought he was going to fuck her before she ate them. Happy Monday you goons.

http://deadspin.com/5815265/cockblocked-by-shrooms

Thursday, June 23, 2011

"Arrested Boston Mob Boss Whitey Bulger Allegedly Confesses" by Josh Voorhees - Slate.com

I've been working in the sun all day. I'm pooped. Whitey Bulger got caught and then confessed. Dude's 81 years old. Yeah they got him for 19 murders, but do you really think those were good guys he killed? Real stand up citizens in the community? I say let him walk. Dude's about to bite it anyway.

http://slatest.slate.com/posts/2011/06/23/james_whitey_bulger_arrested_police_nab_boston_mobster_who_was_t.html

p.s. But if he killed one innocent bystander I say turn his senile ass into jerky.

"Buzzworthy NBA Names" by Carles - Grantland.com

As much as I hate posting shit by the dude from Hipsterrunoff.com, this is a funny article. And honestly, I can't get over Bismack Biyombo's name. No one else I've talked to has shared this excitement with me. But I am rooting so hard for this African cat to be nasty. Bismack Biyombo. Best name since Tokyo Sexwhale. Look it up.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/347/buzzworthy-nba-names

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

''Heavy Lifting, No Rest, Candy: The Bulgarian Method" by Hannah Karp - WSJ.com

Confession: I'm a closet meathead. I love to lift weights. I do. In fact, on my tombstone, one of the three things that I'd like written is "He knew his pecs." The other two are "He looked good in pants." and "He was always right." All three statements are truer than Jesus's love for sinners. That's just how it is.

That being said, I think this article is worthwhile for Poop Readers because it's about weightlifting but it's not about weightlifting at all. It's about a Bulgarian power lifting coach who dominated the sport in the 70s and 80s with an unorthodox training regimen, who is now living in the US and trying to spread his gospel. It's as American a story as there is. While also being about a total foreigner with wacky foreigner ideas.

"How to Give a Wedding Toast" by Troy Patterson - Slate.com

Some solid advice here on how to give a wedding toast. Especially for people who aren't as funny as Bone thinks he is. Good piece of advice, all five drafts of the Gettysburg Address were 300 words or less. And no one you're talking about is greater than the sum total of the Union dead.

Enjoy.


p.s. just kidding Bone, you're the pick of the litter.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"A Free Man in L.A." by Vanessa Grigoriadas - VanityFair.com

A profile of Justin Timberlake. Fuckin' Timberlake. Triple-threat motherfucker. Single again and living in L.A. just smashing down any and every chick in the world literally whenever he wants. Basically his life is like one giant game of Supermarket Sweep except instead of with groceries it's with pussy. Ridiculous.

Dude def has herpes right? I feel like every celebrity has to have herpes. Way higher percentage than you think. If you could have sex with every single person you ever met I guarantee your bird would look like a pizza with everything on it. B'lee dat.

"The Big Trade" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

Love this article. In-depth look at the time in 1973 when Yankees pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped families. Wives, kids, the whole kit and kaboodle. Just about the weirdest sports story of all time right? I can't think of anything weirder off the top of my head. I suppose at the time Magic getting AIDS was probably more shocking, but not weirder. Dock Ellis tossing a no-no while tripping balls is weird but more "holy shit" weird, than "what the fuck?" weird. I'm really kind of stumped. Randy Johnson nailing that pigeon with a fastball? Forty percent of the Yankees starting rotation swapping families for realsies has got to be it right?

Anyway, break down on these people based solely on the picture with this article. Clearly Kekich was banging both chicks well before the swap. He traded out the chick second in from the right for cheekbones on the far left. Cheekbones looks like she could be frumpy but has better bone structure than the other one and that's probably why the Robert Redford looking cat ended up with her. His first wife looks a little sluttier and probably caught him earlier on with dick-breaking sex but soon he realized that she was kind of shallow and boring and she probably realized that he was kind of a dick and was banging cheek bones anyway, so she was down for the swap because that tall dopey bastard Peterson was a hell of a lot nicer. Fairly certain that's exactly how it went down.

Monday, June 20, 2011

"Living the Good Lie" by Mimi Swartz - NYTimes.com

This gay psychiatrist in Texas advocates men in the closet to stay there. Same psychiatrist was once voted "Mr. Prime Choice Texas" for exemplifying the very best of the "leather/Levi/uniform/fetish community." Sounds like a fun crowd.

I don't know what this dude is thinking. I say, if you're into dong, sing it from the fucking mountaintops. Let 'em know. It's your life, brah. And you only go around once.

Also, everybody knows already anyway. People got eyes, closeted gay dudes. They got eyes and they know how to use 'em.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/magazine/therapists-who-help-people-stay-in-the-closet.html?_r=2&hpw

"The Nine Circles of Tracy Morgan" by Patrice Evans - Grantland.com

Patrice Evans is "The Assimilated Negro". I have no idea what that means in a larger sense, I assume he's a blogger or something and I didn't just say something racist? I don't know. Either way, seems like a pretty, self-deprecating name for a blog*. "Hi, I'm Uncle Tom." I don't get it.

Yup, quick Google search. He's a blogger. Figures.

Anyway, he breaks down the whole Tracy Morgan gay "controversy" in this thing. If you listen to mainstream media, and don't actually look at transcripts of what Tracy Morgan said in a recent stand up, you probably think that he said he would "stab his son to death if he was gay." Which is not what he said, but is what is being reported with reckless abandon. What he actually said, was that if his son came home talking in a high-pitched voice like a woman and told him he liked to fuck other dudes, he'd stab him to death. Which, while not a whole other ballgame, is definitely not happening in the same inning as what's being said he said, so everybody just chill the fuck out. Also, it's Tracy Morgan. No one's ever taken him seriously, ever. Why now? Eighty percent of the stuff comedians say on stage is offensive as shit. And that's why it's funny, because comedy is about taking risks. So really. chill the fuck out.

And, article:

http://espn.go.com/espn/grantland/story/_/id/6678023/the-nine-circles-tracy-morgan

*this from someone who blogs for your pooping enjoyment.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"The Portland of the Far East" by Mark Garrison - Slate.com

Fuckin' Japs, man. Always overachieving, and striving really really really hard to be good at stuff like math and swords. Sneak attack bombing people and creating weirdo tentacle rape porn and bukkake. Shoveling people into rapey subway cars and eating whales. What's their fucking problem? Now they're making beer and they're doing it well says Slate.com. I thought the Germans made the best beer in the world. Man if the Germans and the Japanese ever joined forces they could really do some damage huh?


p.s. Japanese beer is really good. Yeah, sure.

"On 'Mama's' Boyfriend" by Molly Lambert - Grantland.com

I don't know who this Molly Lambert chick is but I like her. Honestly didn't know girls could write like this. No offense. She sounds like Klostermann without the dizzying tangents. Here she delves into "sensitive" rap and what it says about Kanye, Drake, and Lil Wayne, among others. A must read for any hip-hop head.


p.s. If you just said something and then said "no offense" right after it you said something offensive as shit.

"Would You Be Friends with Lebron James" by Jared Freid - Weekly World News

Would I be friends with Lebron James? Simple. Yes. Yes! One thousand times yes! Look, Lebron is a douchebag, we know this. but so are most of my friends. And none of them are worth nine digits or have access to the very best of everything. Everything. And I still chill with them all the time. So this is a slam dunk for me (fuck, didn't intend that pun at all, leaving it in).

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"Ode to a Four Letter Word" by Kathryn Shulz - NYMag.com

Writer waxes philosophical on America's love-hate relationship with the word fuck. Pretty insightful. Also, inspired by the new book "Go the Fuck to Sleep" by Adam Mansbach, a nighttime reading book for parents which includes poems like this:

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

So, there's that.

http://nymag.com/arts/books/features/adam-mansbach-2011-6/

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Young Dirk" by Benjamin Markovits - Slate.com

Probably the last basketball article for a while for Poopreads, but one I thought was worthwhile. The author played against--and got sonned by--a 17-year old Dirk Nowitzki in some league in Germany. It's basically like if you or I played against Dirk when he was on the way up. The guy was amazed by him, understandably. Weirdest part of this article is that it doesn't sound like the dude played college ball? Like he just played in high school, worked on his jumper in pick-up games in college, and then went and played in some shit league in Germany that Dirk Nowitzki happened to be playing in his junior year of high school. I dunno, good read though.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

You guys love these articles. I have no idea why. It's like a destitute man's Sportguy's Mailbag. Eh. C'est la vie. Here it is, your Deadspin Funbag. Subtitle: "Holding Farts In and You!"

Put a Ring on It: Steve Nash, Lebron James, and Jewelry" by Chris Ryan - Grantland.com

I have no idea who Chris Ryan is, do you? Where'd he come from? How'd he get on Grantland? One reason may be by writing brilliantly roundabout articles about Steve Nash just killing life in general, and how about maybe everybody needs to relax a little with the whole "Lebron James is the devil" thing. He's not the devil. He's a supremely talented athlete who was so sheltered his entire life because of his exceptional gifts that he has a poorly honed killer instinct and no concept of reality. That's all it is. Rant all you want.

Monday, June 13, 2011

"Lebron James is Still a Cocksucker" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Just a treasure trove of articles written by journalists dancing on Lebron's grave today. This was the best.

http://deadspin.com/5811396/lebron-james-is-still-a-cocksucker

p.s. I have no clue what to watch on TV now. It feels like when football season ends and there's automatically just way less shit on the tube to watch. I'm not a big NBA guy, but having a playoff game on in the background while I surf the web is a good thing. Now it's over and I'm stuck with the fucking College World Series. Blugh. Baseball. Blugh. No idea how people watch baseball games on TV. I played baseball too. I know baseball. Baseball. Is. Boring.

p.p.s. two sleeper sports that are surprisingly awesome to watch on TV? Those snowboard/motorcross hybrids they do during the X-games, and yeah, competitive weightlifting. Not kidding. Dudes get FUCKED up snowboarding, and the weightlifting is hypnotizing and really fun to bet on. Like betting on which raindrop will drip down a car window faster. Just no idea what will happen next.

"Host" by David Foster Wallace - TheAtlantic.com

I forget how I stumbled across this piece today--it was linked to in another article I was reading but I don't remember which--but it's really good. One of DFW's more famous articles I guess. I dunno, I thought I was up on Wallace, I guess I'm not.* It's about some conservative-radio shock jock in LA who I guess eventually became Sarah Palin's PR guy. He quit her today.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2005/04/host/3812/

*I was thinking about DFW yesterday actually. I boiled a lobster for the first time. Three actually (Stan, Edgar, and Prickly Pete), and I was thinking about his book of essays "Consider the Lobster" which goes in depth on why we should at least give some thought to throwing a living thing that might feel pain into a boiling cauldron of water. Fuck it dude, my answer to that is, don't be so delicious. No one will eat you then. It's the same thing I said to a lamb when I visited Blue Hill last summer. Cute lamb. Bouncing around and stuff, happy as could be on the farm in a field of daisies. Too bad it was toting around those shanks. I blame victims.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

"For the Executive with Everything, a $230,000 Dog" by John Tierney - NYTimes.com

For a mere quarter of a million dollars the rich can buy a dig that'll bite someones face off it comes near them. Similarly, the poor can adopt a pit bull for an $85 fee that will do the same. You tell me who won.

"The Self Aware NBA" by Carles - Grantland.com

Good article breaking down NBA personalities. Too busy watching finals to write more. Enjoy, you won't not like it. Trust.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

"When Is It OK to Send a Girl a Picture of My Penis?" by Julieanne Smolinski - GQ.com

Simple answer to the question posed above. Fucking. Never. It's a dick dude. Not tits. No one wants to see your dick. Certainly no one who hasn't seen it before. Amateurs. And if it's not a hog, leave it in your pants and just hope if she ever does see it that she's a lady about it and doesn't tell all of her friends.

Funny article written by GQ's new sex columnist. Worth your time.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201106/sexting-anthony-weiner-message

"A Man Alone: Dirk vs. The Heat" by Jay Caspian Kang and Bill Barnwell - Grantland.com

Grantland, goddam! I like this site more and more. Here two dudes I don't know write a pretty cinematic, and then cuttingly realistic review of the NBA Finals. Very cool.

On another note, how ugly is Dirk Nowitzki? God bless him, heart of a champion, one of the top what, 15 players of all time, and really fun to watch play. But jesus H. christ. If it wasn't for George Murehsan he might be the ugliest baller of all time, with all due respect to Popeye Jones and Sam "ET" Cassell. Nowitzki looks like a 7-foot tall zombie vampire with the flu. No wonder he got mixed up with that meth head hooker. Yikes.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6642375/dirk-vs-heat

"Proud to be an NHL Frontrunner" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Bill Simmons coming in hot! Sportsguy has been getting ragged on all day long by Barstool and Deadspin etc. for not being a true Bruins fan and only liking them because they're good now blah blah blah. Simmons basically shoves their arguments right back up their respective dickholes. Good for him. The old man's still got his fastball.

On another note, how fucking vindictive are these blogs that just shit on Bill Simmons all day, in particular Barstool and Deadspin. Like, give it the fuck up Daulerio and Portnoy. Without Simmons you guys don't exist. Period. He created your market. So yeah, while I get pissed he doesn't write as much anymore and mails in columns in a lot more than he used to (basically only his mailbags are worth reading at this point and that's because the readers lend the creativity) you still gotta give it up to him. You do.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6645105/proud-nhl-front-runner

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

"Pryor's departure could help save Ohio State from sins of Tressel era" by Andy Staples - SI.com

Andy Staples finds a different angle on the Terrelle Pryor case. Kind of vindicates the kid. Interesting article, well researched. Let's hope Pryor doesn't turn out like Maurice Clarett.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/andy_staples/06/07/terrelle.pryor.leaves.ohio.state/index.html?eref=sihp&sct=hp_t12_a2

p.s. best way to remember how to spell Terrelle Pryor's name? It's the fanciest way to spell Terrelle you can think of. Two R's, Two L's, and and E. You'll never forget it now. Even if everyone forgets about him.

"Back into the Belly of the Beast" by Chris Jones - Grantland.com

Chris Jones is good. You need to be reading him if you like sports and good writing about sports. He's Canadian though. Only deduct one half of a point. Nice guy.

Here he kicks off Bill Simmons' new Web site Grantland.com with an article about writing about baseball. Kinda meta, whatever whatever. It's a good site, and if you like this site, you should like that one.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6629015/back-belly-beast

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"Balls Out Guest of the Day: Brian Phillips On Jason Kidd, Hall-of-Fame Groundhog" by Brian Phillips - GQ.com

Pretty cool take on the curious career of Jason Kidd. Phillips compares him to Rocky Balboa and a groundhog. Guy was born to lose. Looks like a pit bull or a biker. From Oakland. Beats his wife (maybe?). Still likeable? Kinda feel like he is. Never was really sure why. Phillips lends some clarity to the issue.

"Therapy to 'Change" Feminine Boy Created a Troubled Man, Family Says" by Scott Bronstein and Jessi Joseph - CNN.com

Sad story here. Parents noticed they're little boy was spending a little too much time with the barbie dolls for their liking. Decided to do something about it. Sent him to some shrink who tried to make him into a real boy. Dude grows up. Joins the Air Force, hates himself, eventually kills himself. Family feels guilty as sin. Interesting look at nature vs. nurture from CNN.com.

"Meanwhile, Back on Capitol Hill" by Vicky Ward - Vanityfair.com

A bunch of overprivileged nerd interns on Capitol Hill think they're sweet. I've never wanted to throw a cold glass of piss in someone's face more than I wanted to throw it in the face of this blonde chick who is the main focus of this story. She sounds awful.

Monday, June 6, 2011

"Texas Still Has Its Rustlers, and Men in White Hats Chasing Them" by Dan Barry - NYTimes.com

Texas is being terrorized by cattle rustlers. Cattle rustlers. Still! Buncha varmints runnin' 'round stealing calves right out from under honest farmers' noses. The nerve.


p.s. Awful blog right there. Gross. Ashamed to put my name to it. My fourth blog of the night and I just couldn't think of anything. I'll tell you what. If you read Poopreads, and you want to write for us, and you really think you have what it takes to hang, holler at me. We can talk. We'll even dole out nicknames. No one will ever know you write for a site with such an embarrassing name as Poopreads, pussy.

"How to Drink the Hemingway Way" by Marty Beckerman - Salon.com

I loved this article. Great satire on writing and Hemingway and drinking. Perfect triumvirate for me. Hemingway was so goddam cool. A few high points of this piece: 1.) Hemingway on amateur writers "what amateurs call a style is usually only the unavoidable awkwardness in first trying. 2.) The photo accompanying this essay is Hemingway posing with a leopard that he killed. 3.) Ernest Hemingway invented the mojito (I didn't know that.)

My favorite Hemingway fact is that he was the first American wounded in World War I.

My second favorite Hemingway fact is that he landed the first intact tuna ever caught in the Bahamas. (The earlier ones had all been ravaged by sharks.)


thanks to Alyssa


"Bill Keller: The Esquire Exit Interview with Scott Raab" - Esquire.com

Say what you will about Bill Keller and where he took the Times before resigning recently as Executive Editor to write full time, but the man is smart. He seems pretty cool too. Read this interview. He's definitely drinking a beer right? Feel like if this interview went on a little longer he would have started dropping F bombs on Arianna Huffington and talking about which columnists are the sluttiest. My guess is Gail Collins, based on absolutely no facts.

"Paw Paw and Lady Love" by Dan P. Lee - NYMag.com

This all encompassing retrospective on Anna Nicole Smith's marriage to a one billion year old billionaire and the subsequent battle for his cash after he died is an amazing story in its own right. But that's not what I want to talk about tonight.

I want to talk about how ludicrously hot Anna Nicole Smith was in her prime. I'm talking fresh out the gates, Playmate of the year, Naked Gun 33 1/3 Anna Nicole Smith. She. Was. FIRE! When I was 12 finding Naked Gun 33 1/3 on late night TV was pure gold. Like if you were at a sleepover that shit would come on and when she rolls out with the titty tassles on ... Jesus Christ. Titty tassles on Anna Nicole Smith to a 12 year old is like winning the fucking Powerball lottery is to an adult. I shit you not. She comes out wearing those things and all of the sudden every dude at the party mysteriously has to take a shit. Like Danny's in the downstairs bathroom "taking a shit", Lil Tommy scurried off to the upstairs one, J.B. is "waiting to take a shit" in the garage, and you? You've got Danny's family room all to your lonesome. Whatcha gon' do?


p.s. Anybody who went to sleepovers after age 12 is gayer than cum on a mustache and you can't tell me different.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

"The Hetherington Doctrine" by Sebastian Junger - VanityFair.com

Sebastian Junger weighs in with this piece on his late friend and collaborator, photographer Tim Hetherington. In his truncated life, Hetherington, who was killed in Libya earlier this year, was a stark, earnest, and brutally honest witness to lethal fights for freedom the world over. He will not soon be forgotten, and as Junger points out, his legacy may last even longer than his memorials.

http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2011/06/sebastian-junger-tim-hetherington-201106

p.s. Hi Megan!

"Can Bill Simmons Win the Big One" by Jonathan Mahler - NYTimes.com

So this is upposed to be THE defining profile of Bill Simmons. This blog would not exist without Bill Simmons. Neither would Deadspin (which linked me to it), Barstool (which my friends talk about more than any other piece of current pop culture) or any of the the other myriad sports/pop culture writers, Web sites, and shows out there. Love him or hate him, the guy changed the game. Bill Simmons used to fuck guys like you in prison. Read this.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/magazine/can-bill-simmons-win-the-big-one.html?_r=1&utm_campaign=Feed:%20nyt/rss/Sports%20%28NYT%20&utm_medium=feed&%2362;%20Sports%29=&seid=auto&smid=tw-nytimessports&utm_source=feedburner&pagewanted=all

"Ranking college football's 20 most desirable head coaching jobs" by Andy Staples - SI.com

SI's Andy Staples ranks the best college footbal head coaching jobs in the country. No huge surprises here. Texas gets number one. Great proximity to recruits, enormous fan following and earnings, and beat Oklahoma and you're basically in the hunt for the national championship.

I loved going to Georgetown, but if I had to do it all over again I'd probabyl go to UT. Huge, warm-weather state school, with good academics and awesome sports to follow. Throw in how ridiculously cool Austin is with its barbecue and its lakes and its music scene, not to mention hot Texas chicks and it's just like, goddamit y'know? Just goddamit is all.


http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/andy_staples/06/03/best-college-football-jobs/index.html#ixzz1OS4hA0KV

Thursday, June 2, 2011

"Staying the Course" by Wright Thompson - ESPN.com

I never lie to my Poopreaders. I didn't read this one either because I have been getting my dick kicked in at my real job. But I trust ESPN Outside the Lines articles. They're always good. Plus it's got a witty title and the oil paintings that go with it are actually awesome and made me wish I had enough patience and money to actually play golf. Let me know how it is.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=110531/Daufuskie

"The Survivor" by Ryan D'Agostino - Esquire.com

Not even gonna lie. I read this on Memorial Day and my throat caught three times at least. This is a profile of that Dr. in Connecticut who's home got robbed and they raped and killed his wife and two daughters and then burned down the house. Awful choice for a beach read. Also the best story I've read in 2011, hands down.

http://www.esquire.com/features/william-petit-case-0611?click=pp

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Shaquille O'Neal, Basketball's 'Very Quotatious' Superstar, Retires" - TheAtlantic.com

Shaq retired via Twitter. If you gave me two guesses I could have gotten this as the way it would have gone down.

People know Shaq's broke right? Cat made like half a billion dollars taking it to the hole and rapping with Fu Shnickens and now he's broke. This all according to some douchebag money manager who lives in Murray Hill that a dude I went to college with knows or something. I dunno, sounds realistic.

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/06/shaquille-oneal-basketballs-very-quotatious-superstar-retires/239783/

p.s. just tagged this "legends". Shaq really is a legend. Weird.

"Amazing Stories" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

The actual title of this is "The Canucks Fan Who Drove 1,000 Miles For A Game, Partied With The Owner, Drank With Beautiful Women, Nearly Died, And Got Comped For Game 5". But I thought that was too long for a blog title. God's honest guys, I haven't read it, and I usually read everything that goes up here. But I had a long ass day, a crazy one. I ate a pig face. Literally. And this title sounds about right.

http://deadspin.com/5807325/the-canucks-fan-who-drove-1000-miles-for-a-game-partied-with-the-owner-drank-with-beautiful-women-nearly-died-and-got-comped-for-game-5