"I Was a Teenage Black Panther" by Jamal Joseph - TheAtlantic.com

This is an excerpt from a book this dude wrote about joining the Panthers when he was younger. Starts out with him running from the cops and getting shot at, and then being protected by a group of Panthers in about the most badass way possible. The Panthers do hand him some wise advice right off the bat though. If a cop tells you to freeze, don't run. Once you run, all bets are off.

Running from the cops is like banging another dude's wife. Sure you could do it, but if you do, you better get away with it. Because if you get caught, you could easily get killed before you can say 'bad decision.'

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/02/i-was-a-teenage-black-panther/252643/

"Be a Jerk: The Worst Business Lesson from the Steve Jobs Biography" by Tom McNichol - TheAtlantic.com

I just command F'd* this article looking for one passage and came up with 59 hits for the word "asshole" in like a 2,000 word piece. Admirable.

Anyone, the gist here is that being an asshole does not make you a brilliant businessman. If you happen to be a brilliant businessman and an asshole at the same time, you can succeed, but being a douchenozzle with legs will only hinder you in that endeavor. Moral of the story, just because you read Atlas Shrugged and bought into Ayn Rand's self-justifying horseshit does not make you special. It more likely than not just makes you an asshole.

Steve Jobs was a genius because he was Steve Jobs, not because of, but in fact in spite of the fact that he might have been an asshole. Trust you me, you, my dear Poop Reader, are not Steve Jobs. And if you think you are, you are more likely than not a complete asshole. In fact, try this out: If you're not alone, turn to the person next to you and ask them "Am I an asshole?". If it's a fellow dude he will more likely than not say "yeah, a lil bit, yeah." And if it's a chick, she'll say "no," or maybe even "sometimes," but she will not fuck you tonight, and if she does she won't enjoy it.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2011/11/be-a-jerk-the-worst-business-lesson-from-the-steve-jobs-biography/249136/

*Sounds dirty.

"The Refreshing Seriousness of Tim Tebow" by Kevin Craft - TheAtlantic.com

Yes! This is more or less exactly why I've been rooting for Tim Tebow lately. He's just so refreshing. So real. So earnest. Not even joking. See that? My soft, non-God-fearing ass can't even express my own earnest sentiments on the man without coming off sarcastic.

I love Tim Tebow just running around being as earnest as fuck. Just being exactly how the people who knew him when he was 16 thought he'd be. A Christ-loving, willful, winner with unexpectedly cherubic cheeks for a dude with what looks like less than 6% body fat.

And if earnesty is the new irony, I'm surprised these goddam hipsters out there haven't adopted him as their new mascot. Bunch of scrawny, stinky art majors running around with Tebow jerseys on. Which they would of course be doing somewhat ironically--because if you're a super sweet artist running around Williamsburg with an NFL replica jersey with another man's name on the back, make no mistake, you are being ironic as a motherfucker. Which maybe comes full circle to earnest at some point? Fuck that dude, "born to be ironic" is no way to go through life. Stand for something or fall for anything. That's the truth. God (that I don't believe in) bless Tim Tebow. And I mean that earnestly.

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/11/the-refreshing-seriousness-of-tim-tebow/249151/

"Host" by David Foster Wallace - TheAtlantic.com

I forget how I stumbled across this piece today--it was linked to in another article I was reading but I don't remember which--but it's really good. One of DFW's more famous articles I guess. I dunno, I thought I was up on Wallace, I guess I'm not.* It's about some conservative-radio shock jock in LA who I guess eventually became Sarah Palin's PR guy. He quit her today.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2005/04/host/3812/

*I was thinking about DFW yesterday actually. I boiled a lobster for the first time. Three actually (Stan, Edgar, and Prickly Pete), and I was thinking about his book of essays "Consider the Lobster" which goes in depth on why we should at least give some thought to throwing a living thing that might feel pain into a boiling cauldron of water. Fuck it dude, my answer to that is, don't be so delicious. No one will eat you then. It's the same thing I said to a lamb when I visited Blue Hill last summer. Cute lamb. Bouncing around and stuff, happy as could be on the farm in a field of daisies. Too bad it was toting around those shanks. I blame victims.

"Shaquille O'Neal, Basketball's 'Very Quotatious' Superstar, Retires" - TheAtlantic.com

Shaq retired via Twitter. If you gave me two guesses I could have gotten this as the way it would have gone down.

People know Shaq's broke right? Cat made like half a billion dollars taking it to the hole and rapping with Fu Shnickens and now he's broke. This all according to some douchebag money manager who lives in Murray Hill that a dude I went to college with knows or something. I dunno, sounds realistic.

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/06/shaquille-oneal-basketballs-very-quotatious-superstar-retires/239783/

p.s. just tagged this "legends". Shaq really is a legend. Weird.

"From the Yearbook to the White House: The 2012 Republicans in High School" by Chris Good - TheAtlantic.com

Straight up, this article isn't gonna be good to print out. read it on your preferred mobile device. But it is pretty entertaining. High school yearbook photos of the leading Republican candidates for president. Two things to note. Why wasn't Sarah Palin hot when she was younger? She's like 60 now and still could do porn. Also, Mitt Romney went to Cranbrook! That's a private school!

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2011/05/from-the-yearbook-to-the-white-house-the-2012-republicans-in-high-school/239485/#slide4

"The Sad Stories of Believers Disappointed by Non-Apocalypse" by Ujala Seghal - TheAtlantic.com

Oh these dumb believers. There's really nothing left to be said about these people that spent all their money thinking the world was going to end. I'm just a little quizzical as to why there weren't more pieces like this one, about these guys' reactions when Judgment Day came, and went.

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2011/05/sad-stories-believers-disappointed-non-apocalypse/38013/

p.s. you think there's going to be an uptick in babies born nine months from May 21st? Has to be right? Every red-blooded man in America played the-world-is-ending angle last Saturday afternoon.

Thanks to Fran

"Breeders Battle for Right to Claim Hero Navy SEAL Dog" by Alex Eichler - Theatlantic.com

This is a short hitter, but I couldn't resist because I love dogs. Breed aficionados are arguing over whether the dog that came this close to chewing bin Laden's nose off was a German Shepherd or a Belgian Malinois. Shepherd's are cool and all, but Malinois are badass. They look like slightly smaller, slightly pointer, wolfier Shepherds, and since they are not as popular, they have never really been bred to be family pets. Which all means, they will bite a bad guys face off, no questions asked. I got into an argument with a veterinarian once over which dog is the toughest in the world. In my mind, it's a no brainer, pit bull first, then a tosa inu, then the american bulldog, then probably an akita. He said the Malinois. And he went to school for that stuff like that for like 9 years or whatever vets do. He's still wrong though I think.

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2011/05/breeders-battle-right-claim-hero-navy-seal-dog/37376/

"Why I'm Not Watching the NFL Draft" by Hampton Stevens - Theatlantic.com

I honestly couldn't resist the irony of posting this article as I'm watching the NFL draft. Cam Newton, mark Poopreads' words on this date, will be a bust. Might make a great tight end someday, special athleticism, but he will never grasp an NFL system well enough to play QB. Ever.

I like the Von Miller pick. Anyone undersized going that high has to have a motor that will serve him well in the pros. But those hugs went on just a tad too long didn't they? You hug your family, you maybe cry a little, but you don't go up and hug Roger Goodell for 20 seconds while crying. Bad look. Then again, I could see Ray Lewis doing that.

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/04/why-im-not-watching-the-nfl-draft/237962/

"Do I Have Knees?" by Brian Mockenhaupt - The Atlantic.com

Brian Mockenhaupt is a former U.S. infantryman who is now a pretty accomplished writer. He's always got unique angles on things, mostly because of his unique experience. Here he writes a haunting piece on a front line hospital in Afghanistan. Buckle up.

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/04/at-frontline-hospital-afghan-wars-toll-is-deeply-felt/237787/

"The Management Myth" by Matthew Stewart - TheAtlantic.com

The founder of a 600-employee consulting firm explains why getting your MBA is a waste of time. Dude's so wrong though. You need that MBA to practice business with. It's like a JD or a medical degree in that regard. You can't just go around slinging bonds without a $90,000 MBA on your resume. That's ridiculous. Who do you think you are, a doctor?

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/print/2006/06/the-management-myth/4883/

"In Texas, a Brave, New, Lethal Injection" by Raymond Bonner - TheAtlantic.com

The Lonestar State just OK'd the use of a new chemical to be used for lethal injections. Cleve Foster, a death row inmate convicted of murdering a woman he and a friend met in a bar, is scheduled to be the first man to be executed using it. Problem is, the chemical has the potential to kill so painfully that it's illegal for veterinarians to use it to put down animals. The article says Foster could be subject to a pain "likened to having one's veins set on fire."

Christ. That sounds almost as bad as, oh I don't know, getting murdered by some dude you just met in a bar?

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/04/in-texas-a-brave-new-lethal-injection/236800/

"A Conversation with Sam Calagione, Founder of Dogfish Head Craft Brewery" by Daniel Fromson - The Atlantic

I guess I never realized Dogfish Head beer was such a big deal, but this interview has me sold. Sounds like this guy, the company's founder, really takes this stuff seriously, and has a really cool attitude about it too. Plus I just found out that there's such a thing as "beer writer" which if this whole Poop Reads thing doesn't pan out, I might have to become.

http://www.theatlantic.com/life/archive/2011/03/a-conversation-with-sam-calagione-founder-of-dogfish-head-craft-brewery/72858/