"Wall Street Bonus Withdrawal Means Trading Wall Street for Coupons" by Max Abelson - Bloomberg.com

I almost feel bad posting this because I know a lot of finance heads read this and most of them are genuinely good dudes who are just trying to do the best they can. That being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE THE PEOPLE IN THIS ARTICLE COMPLETE SACKS OF SHIT. Read this if you want to be infuriated by some guy complaining about how people don't understand how hard it is getting by on $350,000 a year. I'm going to stop writing now because the only thing I can think of when I think of these people is redrumredrumredumredumredrumredrumredrumredrum ...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-29/wall-street-bonus-withdrawal-means-trading-aspen-for-cheap-chex.html

P.S. It's not even it's true or not. Everybody gets sucked into a lifestyle, and before you know it you got a big mortgage and private schools and car payments. But have the fucking decency and common sense not to say it out loud. And DEFINITELY not to say it to a fucking reporter. Seriously how someone with their head this far up their ass got to this point financially should worry all of us. Something ain't right.

"Where's George" by Jane Mayer - NewYorker.com

Politics. Super PACs. Donations. Finance. Blah blah blah. I didn't read this but some of you cats like this politics bullshit so I'll post it.

You know it doesn't matter who you vote for though right? Might as well write in Poop Reads as your president. Your vote doesn't matter for shit and even if it did the dudes who are running are so minimally differentiated and incapable of changing anything that it doesn't mean a thing. Not a hoot. Politics is just something that exists so shifty politicians can grift money and have sex with chicks that wouldn't talk to them otherwise. The only other reason it could possibly exist is so that assholes can 'argue' about it in the hopes of making someone else look stupid because they just read something in the Economist or heard Bill O'Reilly spout out some populo-elitist bullshit and want to tell people about it. People that argue about politics should drink 10 whiskey sours and drive themselves home.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2012/02/george-soros-democrats.html

P.S. George Soros is one weird looking motherfucker huh?

"The Art of Fact Checking" by Hannah Goldfield - NewYorker.com

Ha! Writers are such dickheads. This article proves it. As far as dickheaded professions go it goes like this:

1. Small forwards
2. Bouncers
3. Writers
4. Cops
5. Vice Principals

Pretty cool look behind the scenes of how a magazine article gets put together here.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/02/the-art-of-fact-checking.html

"Michael Jordan's Tragic Style" by Wesley Morris - Grantland.com

Michael Jordan dresses like a fucking asshole. Which I guess makes sense, because by all accounts, Michael Jordan is a fucking asshole. Seriously though, shredded fucking jeans? What is he on his way to sticking out like a sore thumb at a Korn concert? Or in his case, sticking out like a black guy at a Korn concert?

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7475987/wesley-morris-michael-jordan-awful-style

"Coast Guard Raged at Liner Captain, Tape Shows" by Philip Pullella - Yahoo.com

Dudes been keeping up with this? This Italian Ocean Liner crashed off of the Italian coast because the captain wanted to swing by the shore and "salute" his friend. Inevitably, he hit a rock, the ship sunk, people died, and he was the very first one off the boat, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by his officers. My buddy Scranga described it as like when Biggie Smalls died. Just a bunch of idiots panicking and surrounding some other idiot who done fucked up now.

Then this fool of a captain got on a lifeboat and got fucking screamed at by the Coast Guard over the radio. The transcript is here. This story would be hilarious if people didn't die. But they did, so this guy should do the honorable thing and hang himself. That's real talk there. This argument is ridic.

http://news.yahoo.com/coast-guard-ordered-ship-captain-back-board-124134509.html

p.s. I wish I knew how to embed video so I could stick in the Family Guy scene where Peter argues with the Italian butcher even though he doesn't know hot to speak Italian. Bippity boppity! Bippity BOPitty? Boppitty bippittee bippitee boppity!!!

"ACI: A New Way to Measure Pretentiousness" by Calvin Trillin - Slate.com

This article is great. I might even stamp it a Poop Reads must read. Calvin Trillin describes his ACI measurement, aka, Asshole Correlation Index. Any activity, interest, or predilection gets a number, which represents the percentage of people who do it who are assholes. Here's a few of my own.

People who do coke regularly: 65
Men who order fish at steakhouses: 80
People who love the jersey shore(place not show): 45
People who hate the new jersey shore: 90
Bros who wear their hats at angles: 35
People under 40 who like jazz: 60
People who refer to themselves as "foodies": 80
Lcd soundsystem fans: 70
People under 31 who decant wine at restaurants: 100

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/low_concept/2012/01/calvin_trillin_offers_a_new_way_of_measuring_pretentiousness.html

thanks phil the dood

"Be a Jerk: The Worst Business Lesson from the Steve Jobs Biography" by Tom McNichol - TheAtlantic.com

I just command F'd* this article looking for one passage and came up with 59 hits for the word "asshole" in like a 2,000 word piece. Admirable.

Anyone, the gist here is that being an asshole does not make you a brilliant businessman. If you happen to be a brilliant businessman and an asshole at the same time, you can succeed, but being a douchenozzle with legs will only hinder you in that endeavor. Moral of the story, just because you read Atlas Shrugged and bought into Ayn Rand's self-justifying horseshit does not make you special. It more likely than not just makes you an asshole.

Steve Jobs was a genius because he was Steve Jobs, not because of, but in fact in spite of the fact that he might have been an asshole. Trust you me, you, my dear Poop Reader, are not Steve Jobs. And if you think you are, you are more likely than not a complete asshole. In fact, try this out: If you're not alone, turn to the person next to you and ask them "Am I an asshole?". If it's a fellow dude he will more likely than not say "yeah, a lil bit, yeah." And if it's a chick, she'll say "no," or maybe even "sometimes," but she will not fuck you tonight, and if she does she won't enjoy it.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2011/11/be-a-jerk-the-worst-business-lesson-from-the-steve-jobs-biography/249136/

*Sounds dirty.

"Will This Get Me In: Dress Codes in New York City" by Douglas Quenqua - NYTimes.com

A bit of a puff piece here from the Times, but still pretty readable. It talks about unofficial dress codes at different clubs in the city. Most of the people in the article come off like a bunch of unadulterated asshats, but I guess that's what you get when you party with people who validate their existence on earth by spending two large or more on a bottle of champagne. A sixer of bud heavies at the bodega across the street gets me just as drunk as you get. And if there's a good Always Sunny and The League on back to back I guarantee you I have a better time sitting on my couch by myself gassing tall boys than you do dancing awkwardly to Thievery Corporation with a bunch of 5'10" skinny Euro zeros.

Oh, and this owner of The National can spare me the semantics. First off, the fact that The National has a dress code in the first place is insane. Have you been to The National? I have. It's the kind of East Village dive where you're just happy if they have soap in the bathrooms. This "no baggy pants" thing is the most racist shit I ever heard. Wonder if they make black people drink from separate water fountains too?

The National: Good band, racist bar.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/28/fashion/dress-codes-in-new-york-clubs-will-this-get-me-in.html?_r=1&src=dayp

"Nowitzki and James Took Divergent Paths to Same Goal" by Karen Crouse - NYTimes.com

Pretty damning article from the Times comparing Dirk Nowitzki and Lebron James. This passage says it all.

"In the free-agent frenzy of 2010, Nowitzki, without much fanfare, decided to remain with the franchise that first signed him and for whom he has toiled for 13 seasons. He re-signed with the Mavericks, he told reporters Monday, because “ultimately, that was where my heart was at.”
He added, “It almost felt like we had unfinished business.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/31/sports/basketball/nowitzki-and-james-took-divergent-paths-to-same-goal.html?_r=1&hpw

"What Donald Trump Has to Show for Himself" by Tom Juod - Esquire.com

Tom Junod writes a satirical synopsis of Donald Trump's presidential candidacy that would make Robert Swift proud.

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/donald-trump-birth-certificate-satire-5631684?click=pp

"The Sleepless Elite" by Melinda Beck -WSJ.com

So apparently there's a bunch of assholes out there who only need like 3 hours of sleep a night and don't drink coffee or anything. They're just naturally rightinyourfacerightnowandidon'tneedanysleeptodoitbitch!!!!!

Never heard of a better reason for rufies in my life. And I'm not advocating rape, I'm advocating finding one of these jerkbags and making them involuntarily unconscious from time to time like the rest of us.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703712504576242701752957910.html?KEYWORDS=sleep