Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.



Thursday, December 15, 2011

"How A Senior League Hockey Fight Ended With One Player Pooping In An Opponent’s Glove" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

You gotta read this.

http://deadspin.com/5868584/how-a-senior-league-hockey-fight-ended-with-one-player-pooping-in-an-opponents-glove

"The Mad Man of Malibu" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

Nick Nolte was once voted People magazines sexiest man alive? What the fuck? What? 1992, yeah, it happened. I had no idea. He was like 60 in Blue Chips and that came out in like '94. Is that what chicks were into in the 90s? Old dudes with nut tucks* and weirdo mug shots? I'm so confused. Here I was this whole time working out and trying not to drink and drive. Fuckin' A, huh?

Anyway, this GQ profile of him is pretty cool. He is totally nuts but in that weird way that also makes you wonder if you're nuts for sitting in a cube crunching numbers for a third of your total waking hours on earth. That's the kind of crazy that inspires people to assassinate dictators and shit.

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201201/nick-nolte-profile-chris-heath-gq-january-2012

*No idea why this stuck with me but when I was like 11 I woke up to a Z Morning Zoo on Z100 before school one day and they were talking about how Nick Nolte had his scrotum shortened to make his dils look bigger in comparison. Just one of those things that sticks with ya I guess.

"The Best Hip Hop of 2011" by Sasha Frere-Jones - TheNewYorker.com

The honorable Sasha Frere-Jones weighs in on the best hip hop of the year. Frankly, I used to love hip hop, but lately I find it boring as hell. I've blogged at length about the depths of awfulness I find within Drake and his music. But Kanye's insecure braggadocio, Jay-Z's lazy, billionaire-aspirant rhymes, and whatever the fuck Yelawolf is doing just don't speak to me anymore. Maybe I'm getting old. Or more likely, rap just sucks lately. Frere-Jones seems to think so.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2011/12/the-best-hip-hop-of-2011.html

P.S. No offense to Action Bronson. Keep doing you son! (Can't hyperlink because blogspot is fucking with me. Here's a link to a song you should listen to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNKeBoRbifw)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"YouTube Hall of Fame" - Grantland.com

Another Grantland piece? Sure why not. This is from the always watchable/readable YouTube Hall of Fame series. It's the editors' picks for the best movie trailers ever. Some of them are really oddball picks. I have no idea what my favorite movie trailer of all time is but it must have been better than some of these.

Ahhh, yes. The name of the movie was Deuces Wild. Saw that trailer in the cinema with my boy Phil and we were all "ooohhh shit that movies gonna be suh-weet!" I think we honestly went on opening weekend in 2002. Worst. Fucking. Movie. Ever. Made. Period.

Here's the trailer. I have the sinking suspicion that re-watching it now for the first time in 9 years I'm going to realize how fucking dumb I was in 2002.

Just watched. Oh good Jesus was I dumb. You too Phil. You too.



"The NBA's 'That Dude Made What' All-Stars" by Robert Mays - Grantland.com

Goddamit these dickheads are overpaid. Stop watching the NBA now please. Or whenever it starts. These dudes don't deserve this loot. Like 20 of them deserve it. The rest of them, no no no. No. This is really insane.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"Black Voters Told 'Relax, Don't Vote'" by Sherrilyn A. Ifill - TheRoot.com

The internet Gods took the day off. That being said, I just found this, and ... holy shit! Worth a read, worth a listen. Real-life Baltimore politicians make Baltimore politicians in The Wire look like George Washington. "I can not tell a lie, sir. I sent an automated phone message to to 110,000 mostly black households three hours before the 2010 elections ended telling people to "relax" and stay home because there's no need to vote tonight, "Obama has been succesful."

That's dirty pool.

Of course, if you were wondering about it, Obama wasn't on the ballot in the 2010 elections, so maybe if that voicemail put your mind at ease it's better you left the voting responsibilities to an (even mildly) informed electorate?

I don't know. Still though. Holy shit!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"This Is Your Brain on Ice" by Nick Paumgarten - Newyorker.com

Look at the high and mighty New Yorker showing up late to the Poop Reads party. On Monday I posted the following about the Times' much lauded series on Derek Boogard's death and the role fighting in hockey may have played in it:

"...you can't go around pointing fingers at sports like hockey and football and say that's why people do horrific things to themselves. Yes, there is evidence that some of the hits these guys take fuck them up later in life. But also, violent sports, by and large, attract people that are a little bit crazy, guys that "do" first and "think" second. Personalities that live life hard and take things to extremes. It's the same profile of someone who abuses their body until they die.
In short, we love to watch these guys on the ice and the field because they are crazy, and sometimes crazy people do crazy things. So while it's very easy and apparently in vogue to blame the sports for its participants' actions, I think you really need to look at the people who choose to participate in those sports, and see the larger pattern for what happens to them as their lives proceed. Just my two cents. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

And then today along comes probably the most prestigious magazine in the world saying this about the very same Times piece:

"It may be that people who have the aptitude and the appetite to play contact sports at the professional level are those who have a certain disregard for longevity. If risk-aversion, across the population, could be graphed with a bell curve, pro-hockey players, like pro-football players or motocross racers, might be found clustered at one end. The part of society that makes its living sitting at a desk and thinking about the world sometimes finds it hard to believe that there are people out there with a different set of values—people for whom, say, sacrificing their health to make millions of dollars playing the game they love makes perfect sense."

Now I'm not here to imply that maybe the editors at a second highly prestigious magazine are all over Poop Reads jock or anything. I'm just saying that Poop Reads is doling out some of the best commentary on the internet and it's doing it 48 hours before the New Yorker can digest what's really going on in these streets.

Poop Readers, you are in good company.

Oh and here is Paumgarten's piece. It's shorter and less researched than the Times' is, but I think its better too.


p.s. Now seriously, somebody come up with a better name than Poop Reads for me.


"The People Who Hate Tim Tebow" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Klosterman waxing philosophic on The Left Hand of God. Like I wasn't going to post this.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

"Derek Boogard: A Brain 'Going Bad' by John Branch - NYTimes.com

Ok so this is the second installment of the Times 4-part series on hockey enforcer Derek Boogard's death, and I guess it answers some of the questions raised in my blog from last night about the first piece. But it doesn't answer all of them.

That being said, if you don't get a little emotional when Branch recounts Boogard's brothers finding his body, go read Brobible or SociopathsRus.com or something, cuz I got nothing for ya.

This is good shit.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Goddamit did I just lose a lot of respect for Drew Magary. The subhead for this funbag is "A Guide to Farting in the Middle of a Blowjob", and yeah it caught my attention, and sure, I laughed at the thought. But some butt dowel of a reader wrote in and asked what he should do if he has to fart when he's getting head, and numb nuts, Drew Magary, with the motherfuckin' book deal and all, is basically like, "Yeah go ahead kid, light up your girl's entire face with your ass smoke. Knock yourself out. That's what men do."

The. Fffffffffuck?

The answer is fucking no. No. A thousand times no. You can not, under any circumstances fart while getting head. Not only does that ensure some random chick will not continue blowing you, let alone tell every single girl she knows ensuring you never get blow'd down again except by that one slut that gets drunk and slurps ur'rything. But your girlfriend is going to A. slap the shit out of you B. dump you and C. go fuck your three best friends, possibly at the same time, out of sheer spite. It's also grounds for divorce.

I have blogged about Magary's ineptitude many a time, but recently he's been getting better. But this is inexcusable. "Yes its ok to blast a chicks nose off mid-knobber." Get real Bro. This ain't make believe. Your words have consequences.

Monday, December 5, 2011

"Social Animal" by David Brooks - NewYorker.com

This is one of my favorite articles in a while. A little different speed than the stuff I usually rave about: there's no man-eating tigers or break-downs of off-tackle counters here. In effect, David Brooks breaks down life. His hypothesis is that as theology and philosophy continue to let us down, more and more we can turn to science and (gulp) sociology to teach us about who we are and what we are doing here. This is a hard article to explain because basically it attempts to do the impossible: explain life.

The best way I can relay to you how much I liked this piece is to say that I read it walking from the subway to the gym today and almost got run over twice because I was so absorbed. That's good shit right there (not the almost-dying part, the writing I mean).

"Derek Boogard: Blood on the Ice" by John Branch -NYTimes.com

This is a pretty cool article on the former hockey enforcer Derek Boogard, who recently OD'd on an alcohol and painkiller cocktail. It was on the main page of the Times today and is mostly cool because it is interactive--as the writer describes fights and locations you can click on videos of them. Otherwise I'm not sure why it garnered so much attention. It's pretty well written, and it's an interesting subject, but I feel like I've read this before. Hell I think I might have posted this before from Grantland or something. All these articles about the hockey enforcer deaths as of late (Rick Rypien and Wade Belak were the others) kind of half postulate that they're the result of traumatic head injuries, but serve up little evidence that that's actually the case.

Listen, not to be callous, because nobody, especially stand-up guys (by all accounts) like these guys should lead lives this short, but you can't go around pointing fingers at sports like hockey and football and say that's why people do horrific things to themselves. Yes, there is evidence that some of the hits these guys take fuck them up later in life. But also, violent sports, by and large, attract people that are a little bit crazy, guys that "do" first and "think" second. Personalities that live life hard and take things to extremes. It's the same profile of someone who abuses their body until they die.

In short, we love to watch these guys on the ice and the field because they are crazy, and sometimes crazy people do crazy things. So while it's very easy and apparently in vogue to blame the sports for its participants' actions, I think you really need to look at the people who choose to participate in those sports, and see the larger pattern for what happens to them as their lives proceed. Just my two cents. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

"The Curse of Takeo Spikes" by Don Banks - Si.com

I renamed this article because Don Banks' title sucked.

You know what? Takeo Spikes has played 14 seasons without one damn playoff appearance. Not Super Bowl appearance. Playoffs. That fucking sucks. Takeo Spikes is a good player too. Also his neck is just, I mean, I don't even know what to say. It's in that category with Reese Witherspoon's chin and Coco's butt. Like it shouldn't even belong on a human being. Takeo Spikes looks like Roadblock from the Gi Joes. I mean it's absurd. His neck is like a 23. I have nothing else to say, just ... behold.

"We Are All Closing Time" by Steven Hyden - Grantland.com

Love this article. Basically explains the universality and enduring popularity of "Closing Time." Epic 90s song. I always pair it in my head for some reason with Goo Goo Dolls "Iris" which was the biggest song in the world for fucking ever in like 1998/99. Not kidding that song was inescapable for a full two years. And the irony was, it was a song about being lonely and having nobody understanding you at all, and yet seemingly every single person in the world loved it and understood it perfectly. Genius pop song. No bullshit. Iris.

"Adam Corolla with the Most Amazing OccupyWallStreet Rant You'll Ever Hear" by KFC - Barstoolsports.com

Adam Corolla, nailed, fucking nailed these OWS cats. KFC at Barstool found it and put it up with his own commentary, which is legit funny and awesome and right on point. And it's long enough to warrant a Poopread. God bless.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"Married to a Pedophile" by Tracy Clark-Flory - Salon.com

This bitch is straight up and down nuttier than squirrel shit. Her husband got convicted of diddling a little girl and she stayed with him. ("Hey hon, I cheated on you! With a 12 year old!") And she's got her young sons living with him in the house. Jay-sus. I don't know. Crazy shit. Read this.


p.s. This happened in Florida. Smart money says the Orlando area. I think like 1/5 of the population there consists of child abusers and kidnappers. Watch the news.

"Be a Jerk: The Worst Business Lesson from the Steve Jobs Biography" by Tom McNichol - TheAtlantic.com

I just command F'd* this article looking for one passage and came up with 59 hits for the word "asshole" in like a 2,000 word piece. Admirable.

Anyone, the gist here is that being an asshole does not make you a brilliant businessman. If you happen to be a brilliant businessman and an asshole at the same time, you can succeed, but being a douchenozzle with legs will only hinder you in that endeavor. Moral of the story, just because you read Atlas Shrugged and bought into Ayn Rand's self-justifying horseshit does not make you special. It more likely than not just makes you an asshole.

Steve Jobs was a genius because he was Steve Jobs, not because of, but in fact in spite of the fact that he might have been an asshole. Trust you me, you, my dear Poop Reader, are not Steve Jobs. And if you think you are, you are more likely than not a complete asshole. In fact, try this out: If you're not alone, turn to the person next to you and ask them "Am I an asshole?". If it's a fellow dude he will more likely than not say "yeah, a lil bit, yeah." And if it's a chick, she'll say "no," or maybe even "sometimes," but she will not fuck you tonight, and if she does she won't enjoy it.


*Sounds dirty.

"The Refreshing Seriousness of Tim Tebow" by Kevin Craft - TheAtlantic.com

Yes! This is more or less exactly why I've been rooting for Tim Tebow lately. He's just so refreshing. So real. So earnest. Not even joking. See that? My soft, non-God-fearing ass can't even express my own earnest sentiments on the man without coming off sarcastic.

I love Tim Tebow just running around being as earnest as fuck. Just being exactly how the people who knew him when he was 16 thought he'd be. A Christ-loving, willful, winner with unexpectedly cherubic cheeks for a dude with what looks like less than 6% body fat.

And if earnesty is the new irony, I'm surprised these goddam hipsters out there haven't adopted him as their new mascot. Bunch of scrawny, stinky art majors running around with Tebow jerseys on. Which they would of course be doing somewhat ironically--because if you're a super sweet artist running around Williamsburg with an NFL replica jersey with another man's name on the back, make no mistake, you are being ironic as a motherfucker. Which maybe comes full circle to earnest at some point? Fuck that dude, "born to be ironic" is no way to go through life. Stand for something or fall for anything. That's the truth. God (that I don't believe in) bless Tim Tebow. And I mean that earnestly.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

"RIP: Patrice O'Neal" - Grantland.com

This is a short article about the untimely death of Patrice O'Neal and also a vintage Youtube clip of him on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn interviewing anorexic models and gay fashion designers at fashion week a while back. Dude kills it. Never understood why he didn't blow up bigger. Sucks he died. Rough couple of weeks for big fat blacks guys, what with Heavy D passing and all too. Too soon. Enjoy.

"Legality vs. Morality in the NFL" by Stefan Fatsis - Deadspin.com

This is from the same string of conversational letters between Deadspin and Slate as those pieces from Nate Jackson I've put up here. This particular one is from the unfortunately named Stefan Fatsis about the wood Kenny Phillips put on Jimmy Graham in the Giants-Saints game the other night. Honestly, it looked clean to me. I mean, what is Kenny Phillips supposed to do in that situation, get out of the way? They wear helmets for a reason--sometimes their heads collide. Plus Phillips obviously didn't mean to decapitate the guy he was apologizing or something right after the play was ended and Graham was lying there looking like a sniper got him. I mean, not to be a meathead about it, but it's football. There's plenty of other sports where you don't run the risk of hitting your head. Swimming, for one.

"The Reign of Tyler, The Creator: November in Humblebrag" by Harris Wittels - Grantland.com

Are you reading these humblebrag columns yet? You should be. They're pretty funny. Guy collects the most egregious brags disguised as humility on Twitter and publishes them with funny commentary. It's good.

Tyler, The Creator, lead rapper in the rap group Oh My God Kill Them All LOL Wolf Attack Skaters or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves these days is killing it on Twitter. Kid just seems like a complete dufus. Like yeah he's got a cool voice and raps about some fucked up stuff. But other than that he just seems like a dork. Maybe that's the point? I don't know. Kids. I lost him when I realized he had a comma in his rap name. Get, the fuck, over yourself, Tyler, the Creator.

Monday, November 21, 2011

"The Hangover Part III" by Brett Martin - GQ.com

GQ sent a writer to go hang out with Aziz Ansari, David Chang, and LCD Soundsystem frontman James Murphy while they got fucked up in Tokyo. Assignment was basically go party with these dudes and write about it. And that my friends, is why people want to write for magazines.

Here's where I come down on these cats:

James Murphy: Rockstar and hipster icon. I really like LCD Soundsystem which might make me a hipster but the fact that I just said that makes me not one so eat a dick. "Dance Yrself Clean" is my favorite LCD soundystem song, and sometimes I drink a drink called the James Murphy, which is champagne with a shot of Jameson. In Murphy's words, "the champagne gets you drunk and the whiskey keeps you that way." It doesn't taste gross either, you can hardly taste the whiskey. Sign me up.

David Chang: Founder of Momofuku, or as I like to call it Mo-mo-fuck-you. Hipster icon. I hate this guy. He gets all this love from critics and all these people that think eating his food makes them cool. Meanwhile all he does is slang fat sandwiches disguised as steamed pork rolls in over-priced restaurants that people try to convince you are cheap. Second worst dining experience of my life was at a Momofuckyou. The one on 12th and 2nd. As far as I'm concerned this dick still owes me the 90 bucks he stole from me that night.

Aziz Ansari: First funny Indian guy ever?


p.s. Worst meal I've ever had in NYC was at The Old Homestead steakhouse hands down. Place smells like a dirty shoe, the steak came out cold, and they tried to rip us off on the bill. Go to Keen's instead and thank me later.

"Running for Three Yards is Like Going Backwards" by Brian Burke - Deadspin.com

I don't mean to make this a football blog, it's just that like 60% of the articles I've posted lately are football-related. You know why? You don't? I'll tell you. The amount of actually smart people, as opposed to "football smart" people or run-of-the-mill sportswriters that write about sports, and football in particular, lately is astounding. The author of this piece on why running the ball in the NFL outside of short-yardage and red zone situations is pointless, is the founder of the Web site AdvancedNFLstats.com. He's also a former Navy fighter pilot with an M.S. in math and an M.A. in business. Now granted business school masters are horseshit, but still.

I'm not sure why nerds got into the sports-writing game, real nerds that is (I suspect Chuck Klosterman had a hand in it), but I like it. Nerds have a place. Nerds are smart. That's what nerds do. If you can listen to a nerd nerd-out and not have to deal with said nerd on a face-to-face basis, it's a win win. You learn something, but you don't have to hang out with a nerd.


p.s. That being said, this nerd is cooler than me and could probably beat my ass too. Fucking fighter pilot huh bro? Yeah? I got nothing for ya. You win, nerd.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

"When You Get Cocky in an MMA Gym, You Get Beat Down" by Matthew Polly - Deadspin.com

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the sound of a frustrated man. This author trained for two years to become a pro MMA fighter and then wrote a book about. And this author is not me. How did I not think of this? FFAAHHKKK. Whatever I'll still read it.

Anyway here's his tale of training at Randy Couture's gym with a bunch of pros, when a big fat guy walks in and claims to be a 10-0 pro fighter. Says he wants to train with the big boys. What happens next sounds like a legal gang initiation. What happens after that is where the lesson is kids. Read this, you'll like it.

"Warren Buffet, American" by Tom Junod - Esquire.com

Look I don't claim to be no financial expert. You lock me in a room with a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet and only one of us is coming out alive. But this story about Buffet really struck a cord with me and just seems to make a lot of sense. The author theorizes that men like Buffet are truly the champions of capitalism and that these OWS hipsters wouldn't have call to be so mad if the rich made their money more like he did. You know, invest in actual products and companies instead of glorified get-rich-quick Ponzi schemes. I'm sure that's simplified as hell, but at times like these, something simple seems about right, does it not?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"The Perils and Pleasures of Life as a 220-pound Tight End" by Nate Jackson - Deadspin.com

Now this is what the fuck I'm talking about Nate Jackson! Guy manages to use the SAT word "cursory" correctly and then drops some insider knowledge like this:

I played tight end at 235 pounds on a good day. As the season wore on, it was difficult for me to keep that weight on and I'd dip under 230. One season I was getting dangerously close to 220 pounds, and that doesn't fly with the coaches. We had weigh-ins every week, so on the mornings I had to hit the scale I would walk to my locker, put on my sweats, then walk into the training room and grab two five-pound ankle weights to strap on under my sweats. Nobody ever caught on. 232.

That's cool. There's nobody out there doing what Nate Jackson is doing right now writing about football. Enjoy.

"Are Child Molesters Really the Most Hated People in Prison" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

We'd hope so wouldn't we? Turns out they are, but it's not really as bad as Oz or Law and Order: SVU would have you believe. Not even close. California locked up 13,000 sex offenders last year (way to go Golden State!) but only had 11 people murdered in prison. Most of whom were gang members it seems.

The most interesting fact I gleaned from this article is that successful bank robbers are some of the most respected guys in prison. I did not know that. But I guess it makes sense. Takes brains and balls to be a successful bank robber.

"Craig Finn of The Hold Steady Talks Friday Night Lights, Religion, and His New Record" by David Haglund - Slate.com

So The Hold Steady is my favorite band (I'll post a song at the bottom). And their lead singer Craig Finn has a new album coming out called Clear Hearts, Full Eyes, that is inspired partially by Friday Night Lights, which is probably my second favorite show of all time behind The Wire. Suffice to say, I don't think anyone in the world is quite as suped as I am for the release date. I'm weird like that. Here's an interview with Finn. The guy is smart and entertaining. Listen to the song at the bottom and then read this article. The theme of this party's the Industrial Age, and you came in dressed like a train wreck.


The Weekenders by The Hold Steady http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=744-m7CXs6E

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"The 2011-12 College Football All-Name Team" by Shane Ryan - Grantland.com

This article is flat-out hilarious. People name their sons some stupid shit. Like, when I think stupid names in sports, I immediately think of lacrosse. In fact, just for kicks, I'm going to go to the 2011 UVA lacrosse roster right now and pick the three stupidest names I can find. (Swear to God I didn't look at this roster before.)

'Scuse me for a second ... Steele Stanwick, Mark Cockerton (!), and Rhody Heller. Just fantastic. Honestly, it's a great game to play if you're bored and looking for a laugh. Look up any big time lacrosse school and the names are just ridiculous. Always.

That being said, and I hope this doesn't come across racist, but the shit cuts both ways, maybe even deeper for black dudes. Because for every Cockerton, Rhody, and Steele swaggering around the Little League-dropout* circuit, there is a Barkevious Mingo, HaHa Clinton-Moore, and Philander Moore just tearing up the Gridiron.

This article is absolutely ridiculous. A Poop Reads must read. Stamped, mark it down, done.


*Only Little League dropouts play lax. Lacrosse: the sport for kids who can't hit curveballs.

***UPDATE****

Dallas Butts!!!

"Football Is Not a Woman's Game" by Nate Jackson - Esquire.com

Nate Jackson played in the NFL and is a good writer, astonishingly good for a former NFL player. His columns for Slate and Esquire almost always lend a touch of levelheaded insight and inside experience to conversations that often are dominated by non-athlete pencilnecks talking about jock-dom. This column about how women might need a bigger role in football, wweelllllll, not his best work I've read, but it's still got some sharp insight as to how NFL players in particular deal with the fairer sex. Read away if only for that.

Monday, November 14, 2011

"Jay-Z: King" by Alex Pappademas - GQ.com

I haven't read this yet but it's getting a lot of pub. Alex Pappademas is a good writer and he profiled Jay-Z. That's a money Poop Read if there ever was one. This is why Poop Reads is.

"What I've Learned: Joe Frazier" by Cal Fussman - Esquire.com

The "What I've Learned" series of interviews for Esquire are seminal in my mind. Long interviews with famous people boiled down into nuggets of wisdom. This one from recently deceased boxing great Joe Frazier is a favorite of mine and I thought it was a fitting remembrance for a guy that literally fought his way out of the Jim Crow south to become champion of the world. Sample quote:

I wasn't a big guy. People thought the big guys would eat me up. But it was the other way around. I loved to fight bigger guys. Only one big guy I didn't like to fight. That was George. Fightin' George Foreman is like being in the street with an eighteen-wheeler comin' at you.

RIP, Joe Frazier.

"Don't Fear the Reaper: In Defense of Ryan Clark" by Chris Ryan - Grantland.com

I woke up to this song today. Love it. Always have, even before the more cowbell skit. So it was a fine coincidence that I came across this eponymous article about Steelers safety Ryan Clark and violence in football.

The author notes that every time there's a big hit in the Steelers defensive backfield, he thinks it's Ryan Clark. I have the opposite reaction. I feel like Clark, who is a hell of a safety and a big time hitter for sure, gets kind of lost on that defense. He plays alongside perhaps the most recognizable mop in football, Troy Polamalu, he doesn't have Kiesel's beard, he's not built like James Harrison, who looks like a Volkswagen with a yellow helmet on: He's just kind of generic Steelers defender No. 1.

But man does he put the whomp on people. The article's about how we can't help but salute his kind of game, even if it's what we're supposed to be saying we don't like about football. Listen, football is about violence. That's just the way it is. That's why guys play it, and that's why fans love it so much. Yeah it's a sport and there's strategy and marvelous athleticism on display, but at the end of the day people want to see big hits. And yeah, one of these Sundays, you're going to witness somebody actually die going over the middle or returning a kick. It's going to happen. It doesn't mean football is evil. It doesn't mean Ryan Clark is going to Hell. It's just a fact. A fact the author doesn't shy away from.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

"The Pac-12 Matters! Well, this Week" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

I've said this before, but it warrants mentioning again, I love these John Brandon columns for Grantland. The guy just seems cool. Knows football like whoa, and can really write. This is the rare dude that can learn you something about a sport while also wowing you with his own voice. If you like football, or writing, or you're just bored, or taking a dump, or whatever, read this and tell me I'm wrong. Or more likely, thank me later.

"Like She's the Only Girl in the World" by Jonah Weiner - Slate.com

This is an incredibly insightful piece that tries to explain why exactly Rihanna is so popular, despite not having an especially good voice or being particularly original. Weiner really breaks her career and persona down well. I didn't know that she is already tied with Mariah and Madonna for most number one singles for a female ever, with 11. Wildly impressive since she's like what? 26? 25? Dammit is she 25? Oh, motherfucker! I just Googled it and she is 23! Fffffuuuuhhh-hhhkkkk.

Whatever I bet she ages in dog years.*

Anyway, Rihanna's popular because she is sexy as all get out. Hell she is sex. I bet if you caught a whiff of her it would smell exactly like b'dussy.** Butt, dick, and pussy, all at the same time. Except not gross.

She also blends well. Just adds a little something to the song she's on without overpowering it. Rihanna is human butter. Got a good piece of bread? Put butter on it. Boom, better bread. Good steak? Butter that shit up. Better steak. Fudge? Toss some butter in it. Can't really taste it, but you definitely know it's there, and its presence makes the rest of the meal that much better. That's what's Rihanna does.


**Confession: The lyric "sex in the air I don't care I like the smell of it" makes me blush like a schoolgirl.

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Jerry Sandusky, Joe Paterno, and Why Good People Fail to Do the Right Thing" -Deadspin.com

This Penn State shit blows my mind. Like really, really gets to me. Professional clowns, high school art teachers, swim coaches. These are the people you expect to be buttfucking little boys. Not legendary defensive coordinators at revered football institutions who make their name on "doing the right thing." Like, Sandusky was just so brazen about it too. He didn't get a hotel. He didn't lure little Johnny into his rape basement where no one could possibly find him and there would always be plausible deniability.

No. He buttfucked kids, kids, right in the goddam Penn State locker room. With no closed doors, and apparently enough people milling around that some poor graduate assistant could walk in on his old pervert balls just slapping away.

Fuck that guy. If this is all true, I hope he goes to prison and gets raped right back. Hard and repeatedly. I do. His crimes are about the worst you can commit. There are good reasons in this life to murder someone. (He raped your ten year old child, for example.) There are no good reasons to sexually abuse a kid.

And Joe Paterno, if he knew about it, and it sounds like he sure as shit did, then fuck JoePa too. Fucking hypocrite grandad asshole. Nice all-time wins record bro, hope you enjoy the mention of pedophilia in the first paragraph of your obituary. Just disgusting.


p.s. Ask me how I really feel.

"Remembering Andy Rooney" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Not gonna lie I didn't read this one but it's Klostermann and I posted it anyway. Pretty sure he's about to get real real on Andy Rooney's death.

I don't know much about Andy Rooney except he was kind of like my Ghost of Terror Night, if you will. Terror Night being the Sunday night before going back to work when I worked cubicle jobs that I hated with every ounce of my being. I'd go out and drink myself silly on Sundays hoping to stretch out the weekend and then come home and that fucking 60 Minutes clock would be going tickticktickticktick right as I started to sober up, counting down the hours til I had to insert myself back into the soulcrush, and all of the sudden Andy Rooney's mug would pop up all huge and old and angry on the screen complaining about some shit that really grinds his gears.

Didn't get much sleep on Terror Night. Moral of the story: Do what you love kids. No Terror Nights then.

"Veggie Friendly Weirdo Rap" by Amos Barshad - NYMag.com

So this is what the kids are listening to these days? A bunch of weirdo vegetarians from the hood rapping about tofu and shit? What. The. Fuck. Biggie Smalls is rolling over in his fucking grave, belly fat urrywhere. Tupac probably too, but sneaky kind of wanted to be a vegetarian weirdo rapper anyway I bet.

Anyway, NYMag is about to introduce you to some new shit. Hold on to your horses. Shit's about to get weird, ugly, and soft. Hope some of these dudes can actually rap?*


*Doubtful since the lead guy in the article is revered for not rhyming in his raps. Again, not rhyming. In his raps. So really we're just talking about speaking. He speaks well, I guess. But also I'd probably not guess that too.

"The Career Arc: Eddie Murphy" by Bill Simmons - Grantland.com

Bill Simmons goes in depth on Eddie Murphy's career. Did you know his movies have grossed more than Will Smith's and almost twice Denzel's? Me neither. Obviously the Shrek series is a good chunk of that but still. Too bad he's into trannie's huh? Guy coulda really made something of himself.

I don't get that. Trannie's. Chicks with dicks. The whole deal. Are you gay? Are you almost gay? Are you gayer than gay? Something else? It's so weird, and yet remember how many ads there were for them in the back of porno mags? Tons. Shitloads. Dudes must be into that shit. At least in the 90s anyway.

Hey here's Lola. She's smoking hot and wearing a skirt. She's also got a legit hammer. Deal with it.

RIP porno mags.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

"Upon This Rock" by John Jeremiah Sullivan - GQ.com

This writer for GQ, John Jeremiah Sullivan, is getting a ton of pub lately for his book of essays, most of which were published in GQ already. He's a good writer and takes interesting and original angles on his subjects. I don't know that he's worth the critical blowjobs that have been lavished upon him as of late, but I've been wrong before.

Decide for yourself if he's that good, as he takes a long and detailed tour into the realm of Christian rock. Shit's about to get weird and godly, all at once.

"His Own Private Idaho" by Sean Flynn - GQ.com

This story's kinda crazy and deranged. An ex Boston mafia guy moved to Idaho and started a new life with a fake identity. Everybody thought he was just some dumb city boy who didn't know dick about farming. They were half right.

How he got caught is the real rub to this story though. Sometimes even bad people are capable of the best intentions.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

"Damn Philip Rivers" by Tom Chiarella - Esquire.com

Tom Chiarella lost a bet because of Philip Rivers. Tom Junod seems bitter. Still astute though.

"It's a Toad-Eat-Toad World and Other Tales of Animal Cannibalism" by Natalie Angier - NYTimes.com

Cane toads are ruthless. You heard about them? They're these big, fat, ugly toads from Latin America who were imported to Australia to eat beetles or something and ended up eating everything in sight. They're also poisonous so nothing can eat them. Crocodiles die if they eat Cane Toads. Seems unfair. Cane toads also routinely eat each other which is gross.

Here's a bunch of other tales of animal cannibalism the Times collected just for you. The one at the end is just twisted.

"Rampaging Gym Goer Killed by Taser Attack" - Gawker.com

Alright, this isn't really great literature or whatever, but it is a crazy story. Some dude showed up at a gym upstate at 5:45 a.m. and meated out like the kids on your college football wanted you to think they could. Tossing 700-pound weight machines around and punching dudes off of treadmills. The cops showed up and tased him, and then he wrestled away a taser from a cop and tased himself. Then kept hulking the fuck out. Wild shit. Just goes to prove my theory: Only psychos workout in the morning.

Oh also, he died.

Monday, October 31, 2011

"The Mobster Who Brought Down the Mob" by Kevin Gray - MensJournal.com

The internet is kind of laying down on the job lately. This is the best I sniffed out today, an article from Men's Journal on some Staten Island mick who basically fucked over the entire Colombo mob family. Not gonna lie, I don't understand how Italians compete still in the world of crime. Makes no sense to me. Like 11 times out of 10 a black dude is tougher than an Italian, and the same goes for those crazy Albanian and Ukrainian cats. And the Mexicans, forget it, they'll slice you nose to dick and leave you in the street on their way to lunch. I just don't know how Vinny, Mikey, and Tony can compete in today's sophisticated organized-crime environment. Maybe that's why they had an Irish guy so high up in the ranks that he could take them all down?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

"Beavis, Butthead, and Me" by David Giffels - Grantland.com

My bad Poop Readers, been down in Lauderdale for the last couple days and haven't had a chance to post. The silver lining of that cloud should be that when I come back on Sunday there should be a shitload of awesome articles on the internet for me to post, right? Wrong. Internet took a goddam bellyflop while I was gallivanting around southern Florida (barefoot, in a fucking monsoon no less, but that's a story for another day).

Anyway, I read this article on Beavis and Butthead while I was soaking wet at a bar waiting for a piece of mahi mahi (not a code word, actual dinner) and I really liked it. Enough that I texted it out to a few guys immediately. But to be honest, I was drunk and I don't fully recall what it's about. Beavis and Butthead's place in pop cultural history I think. It's actually a pretty smart piece. I think.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"How to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You" - Lifehacker.com

An entire article on how tell if someone is bullshitting you or not. I feel bad even posting this. Like I know some of you out there are total scummers getting away with lying about every single thing under the sun. And here I am outing you. But it's for the best. It is.

And by the way the best way to lie is to convince yourself what you're saying is true. If you believe it, it's not technically lying, and your body signals won't betray you. Then you don't have to worry about anything in this article. You're welcome.

Solve problems: That's what we do here at Poop Reads. Really. That's actually what we do. That's the whole point.

"The Real Rocky" by Michael Weinreb - Grantland.com

Rocky was a real person and his name is Chuck Wepner. A big tough white dude who went 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali. Oh shocker he's from Jersey. All the best* ones are.


*Dumb, ugly, tough, disproportionately charming ones, I mean.

"I Can't Think of Anything More Stupid than Apple Picking" by KFC - BarstoolNYC.com

KFC from Barstool getting in on it. Funniest guy on the internet for my money. This one's a quick hitter but it's a pretty dead-on character read of the kind of people who go apple picking and post the pictures on Facebook. You know those people. You hate them too.

Only thing I would have changed about this is that it should have been pumpkin picking, since it's the week before Halloween. Same shit, different plant. Right this very instant someone you don't really like is posting pictures of their impossibly skinny, joyous selves frolicking in some dumb pumpkin patch somewhere upstate in a naked attempt to make you think they are better than you. Don't worry Poop Readers; they're not. They're just branding themselves on Facebook because they thrive on the perceived envy and approval of strangers. And that makes them insecure losers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

"Why I Don't Like Coldplay? An Investigation" by Sasha Frere-Jones - NewYorker.com

I've mentioned my long-held distaste for Coldplay before.* Outside of "Clocks," which was a good song, I find them trite, bland, and yeah, twee. It's music for people who don't actually like music. But I'll stop writing here because Sasha Frere-Jones nailed them awesomely in this article, explaining why he doesn't like them. Two choice quotes:

"[Chris] Martin rarely walks when he has the option to skip."

and

"The tunes are there, usually three to an album, but that is something you could say of even their weakest contemporaries, like Maroon 5. What puts them up into some higher level of accessibility must be an averaging of Martin’s guarantee to never shock or offend anyone—which parents value—and the toy soldier brand of pageantry and celebration that underpins so many songs. Coldplay keep throwing massive parades for themselves, without explanation or merit. Some folks just love confetti."

Maroon 5, you guys. Maroon. 5.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/sashafrerejones/2011/10/why-dont-i-like-coldplay-an-investigation.html

*that link next to the asterisk might be the best blog I've ever written. Even better than the one that got quoted in full by New York Magazine. NBD.

"How Do You Spell Gaddaffi? The Linguistics Behind Libya's Leader" by Zoe Fox - Time.com

Qaddafi. Gadaffi. Qhaththaffi. Whatever, I spell it D-E-D. And his face looked like a jack o'lantern that got put on the stoop on mischief night. Game, set, match, democracy?

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/02/23/how-do-you-spell-gaddafi-the-linguistics-behind-libyas-leader/

P.S. Zoe Fox has to be hot right? That's not a name for an ugly chick.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

"Goodbye, Mr. Big" by Jay McNierney - NYMag.com

This article by 1980's hotshot writer Jay McInerney is great. It's a profile of the real-life Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Dude was a stud. But also not a stud. A half-Jewish half-Italian kid from Peekskill who barged into the big-time NYC magazine publishing game and charmed the pants off of everyone. Literally.

Then at the peak of his career he took off and moved to a farm in Vermont, which, for my money, is fucking awesome. Dude probably had pet goats. I want pet goats. All sure-footed and capable of producing alternative dairy products. SOMEBODY GET ME A GOAT!

"How Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed Changed NFL Defenses" by Chris Brown - Grantland.com

Grantland has been absolutely killing it lately, and I completely realize they have been dominating this site. But what do you want me to do? Esquire and GQ update features monthly, the Times has not been bringing the fire lately, the New Yorker and Slate are only occasionally in the Poop Reads wheelhouse, and Vanity Fair thinks it's 1966. The internet has left me at a loss.

That being said, this article about Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed and the ever-evolving structure of NFL defenses is completely and totally fascinating to any football nut. I'm really impressed that someone that knows this much about football can write this well about it. I learned a lot from this article. You will too.

"Real Stories: Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko" by Davy Rotbart - Grantland.com

I'm a very casual fan of boxing. I'll watch Pacquiao and Mayweather fights and that's about it. And I have no idea what to make of eastern European boxers. Like, yes, you are technically proficient and you grew up behind the iron curtain being trained on the use of hand grenades and Kabar knives. So you are tough, and probably a very good boxer.

But you are also white. And if there's one thing I know from being a casual boxing observer, it's this: Always bet on the black guy. I just can't wrap my nuts around a legitimate white heavyweight champion. I'm sorry, I can't. No offense to Vitali and Wladimir, but LaTavian from Philly and Leon from Oakland will fuck your shit up in a heartbeat, and no one with a brain thinks any different.

Weird, wweeeiirrdd interview with these two though:

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Poop Reads Is Doing It Big!

Yo guys, not a huge deal, but feel free to say you read me when. A recent post I wrote on an NYMag.com article about David Foster Wallace got printed pretty much in full in New York Magazine's latest issue. Right next to Salman Rushdie's quote on the same topic. (You know Salman Rushdie, he's one of the most respected authors of our time and is so esteemed that he married Padma Lakshmi even though he uh, well he ain't exactly snapping up modeling gigs.) And my quote got bold type and got more lines than Rushdie's did. So there.

No idea how they found me. I assume all the editor's at NYMag are just sitting around all day loving the stuff I post here wondering "Who is this masked man? This Poop Reads guy is a genius!" Can't convince me otherwise. Here's the article about Poop Reads.

"McDonald's International Menu" by Elizabeth Gunnison - Esquire.com

I've shat on Esquire's "Eat Like a Man" blogger, Elizabeth Gunnison--I repeat: "Eat Like a Man" blogger, Elizabeth Gunnison--before. But I actually really enjoyed this quick hitter. A round up of the best things McDonalds around the world serve.

In short: That German brat sando looks truthful. I had no idea the Dutch were so ill of health. And the Philippines needs to clean that shit up. Spaghetti and hot dogs with a chicken drumstick as an optional side? I'm not gonna say it's gross because it doesn't sound like a bad meal to snort drunk. But honestly Philippines, act like you've been there before.

"USC vs. Notre Dame, and 7 Other Unlikely National Championship Contenders" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

John Brandon is an excellent writer if you haven't read him. He's a well respected novelist who is writing a weekly college football column for Grantland. Here he projects some possible National Championship match-ups that don't include LSU, Alabama, or Oklahoma. Not gonna happen John, but I like that you're thinking creatively.

My question is: Where Rutgers at?! We're a sneaky 5-1 and have Mohamed Sanu running around grabbing like 15 receptions and 2 TDs per game. Guy's a monster. Plus we got Chas Dodd scrambling all over the joint like the second coming of Fran Tarkenton back there at QB, already a cagey veteran as a true sophomore. Dude played in the same backfield as Marcus Lattimore in high school, which is frightening. We're one win against West Virginia at home away from being Big East champs and heading to the BCS mah'fucky! Yes we would lose 119-5 to somebody like LSU, but we'd be there, and if there's one thing I learned from getting my ass handed to me for 4 years playing high school football on the 5th worst team in New Jersey, it's this: sometimes being there is all that matters.

"Six Ways to Fix Jersey Shore" by David Jacoby - Grantland.com

Not gonna lie, I used to really enjoy Jersey Shore. The hair gel, the fist pumping, the bolt-on titties ... it really took me back to my youth in New Jersey, where I laid claim to the palest-kid-in-town title. But now it's just flat-out grating. I usually use the time my girlfriend takes to watch it by concentrating really, really hard and writing this blog. For impactful trashiness, Garden State-bile, and sheer stupidity, I go Jersey Housewives all the way. Plus Melissa Gorga is hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls combined, mmm, maybe except for J-Wow, jury's still out there.

Anyway, this dude David Jacoby for Grantland wrote six ways to make the show better. Which is five things too many. Because really all they have to do is revamp the damn cast. Let Paulie D have his spin off because that guy rules. Everybody else can hit the bricks, except maybe J-Wow, because again the jury's out on her. Get new meatheads in the house, trust me, there is no shortage. And get new chicks. Hot chicks. For the love of God! Hot chicks! I still don't know how they screwed that up. They had the entire guidette population of the world at their hands--a group of women whose only goal in life is to be hot--and they somehow ended up with two warthogs, the shrillest girl in the world, and a walking, talking sex doll. Poor casting. Jersey Shore needs a do over.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Physically Unable to Perform: Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh's Secret Meeting" - GQ.com

These two dudes shouting at each other is a really funny re-enactment of Harbaugh and Schwartz's panty-snapping fight the other day.


http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2011/10/physically-unable-to-perform-jim-schwartz-and-jim-harbaughs-secret-meeting.html

"Last of the Blue-Water Hunters" by Daniel Duane - MensJournal.com

This shit is badass. This dude drives his boat out like 60 miles into great white shark-infested waters and hops overboard with a spear gun and shoots the shit out of giant tuna. He once shot a 398 pound tuna in the eyeball in a patch of water where his boy had been eaten a week before. That's fucking nuts dude. As much as I want to do this, I do not want to do this at all. Read this if you want to know what men who have balls do.

http://www.mensjournal.com/last-of-the-blue-water-hunters

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"The Silent Season of a Hero" by Gay Talese - Grantland via Esquire

I'm not 1,000% sure what happened here. Grantland took an Esquire piece from 1966 written by the great Gay Talese about the also great Joe DiMaggio and published an annotated version of it? I dunno, they basically just wrote an introductory paragraph. Not sure how this happened. Either way, it's considered one of the greatest pieces of sports journalism of all time, and it's definitely worth your time.

Monday, October 17, 2011

"Van Gogh's Ear" by Adam Gopnik - Newyorker.com

This article from the New Yorker about an alternate theory of how van Gogh lost his ear (Gauguin cut off it off with his self-defense sword. Really.) Is remarkably well written. Check this out.

"If Trollope, as someone said, demonstrates that sanity need not be philistine, van Gogh demonstrates that insanity need not be insular. The stripping away of conventional decorum that van Gogh’s illness forced on him made him almost unnaturally present, alert to the world; when his mind went wrong, he became all heart.""

Good shit there.


http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/01/04/100104fa_fact_gopnik

"Harbaugh vs. Schwartz: Coach Fight" by Hua Hsu - Grantland.com

Jim Harbaugh's a douche right? We can all agree on this? That being said this Schwartz character seems like a bit of a penis himself. Harbaugh's press conference was pretty hilarious. Understated sarcasm like they write about in text books. Bullying 101. Harbaugh would crush Schwartz physically and he beat him on the field and that means he's two for two. Read more here:

Sunday, October 16, 2011

"The Color of Blood" by Calvin Trillin - Newyorker.com

This story is kind of old but pretty wild, some black kid maybe kinda sorta threatened some guido dude's friend's little sister in an internet chatroom so the guidos rolled to the black dude's house and the black dude's father shot him in his gourd.

You follow that? Me neither.

"The Baddest Lawyer in the History of Jersey" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

This dude Paul Bergrin was a badass. Rolling in a Bentley through Newark to represent Lil Kim and Hakeem Curry (look it up). Dudes rolling with prison tattoos that said "'No witness, No case' - Paul Bergrin". That's some goddam advertising. (Although maybe not if they got those tats in actual prison. I digress.)

Anyway, whatever, it looks like he actually killed a witness and got caught running a cocaine ring, and a prostitution ring. 120 pounds of coke in your car is a lot.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

"Why the NFL Needs Tim Tebow" by Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

Watch as Jay Caspian Kang makes a compelling case for why Tim Tebow is a necessary entity, and also does an innuendo-filled tap dance around race. He basically wants to see smiley, flashy black Cam Newton go against God-fearing, virgin white Tim Tebow. But doesn't quite say it. Props I guess? I mean you thought it, you definitely thought it. You just didn't say it. Half a prop then.

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7087823/why-nfl-needs-tim-tebow

Monday, October 10, 2011

"Monday Morning Quarterback" by Peter King - SI.com

Peter King's MMQB column. Here's how I feel about this column: Is it a little corny? Yes, definitely. Does it give you an excellent baseline upon which to build from when reading anything else about the NFL that week? Also yes, definitely. Have at.

"The Solo Cup" by Seth Stevenson - Slate.com

Solo cups are pretty fucking awesome huh? So iconic. If you're drinking out of those red cups you are having fun. Straight fact. I played flip cup for the first time in years down in Baton Rouge recently and it was one of the more fun times I've had in 2011. Granted I was fire flames and flipped like 18 times total in 15 rounds and anchored my team like I was Michael Phelps but I'm not bragging. Solo cups rule. Suck it.

Here's a history of them.

"Just Kids" by Evan Hughes - Nymag.com

An article in NYMag about how all these hot shot writers were friends when they were young and poor in Brooklyn in the 90s. Like a Brat Pack for hipsters I guess? I don't know it sounds like they were all just dominated by David Foster Wallace the way Calvin Johnson is dominating every d-back in the NFL right now. Just nothing you can do. One guy is 6'5", runs a 4.3 forty and has a 45" vertical, the other guy was a visionary philosopher who knew more about grammar than Jesus. Nothing mere mortals can do but eat it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Apple's Visionary Redefined a Digital Age" by John Markoff - NYTimes.com

Steve Jobs' obit is incredible.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/06/business/steve-jobs-of-apple-dies-at-56.html?_r=1&hp

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Interview with Omar from The Wire by Mark Anthony Green - GQ.com

Omar's real name is Michael K. Williams but you ain't even know that, so I changed the title of the article in the title of the blog. Deal.

Omar was an unfairly cool and likeable TV character. One of the best ever. Now Williams is playing another likeable thug in Boardwalk Empire. He gets asked if he's worried about being typecast from here on out. Great answer. Basically he's like "shit nah, I'm tryin' to eat." Fair enough Omar. A man's gotta have a code.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary farts out another funbag USING ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS HIMSELF because he's not a very good writer. But I check my stats. I know my poop readers. You guys love these things so I'll keep posting them.

Seriously though these things are such hack Sportsguy mailbags it's absurd. It's just that the answers are never really that creative or funny. Good questions usually though.

But best hypothetical question of the day I read on a blog was over at Barstool NYC. Would you spend 4 years in prison if it meant you would get $20 million in books deals and shit when you get out a la Amanda Knox. Now I know some of you guys are finance dudes and are probably weighing this in your heads like "well if this shop blah blah blahs, and Trevor's deal goes through, blase blase blase, $20 million isn't that much." But I am not that guy. I write a blog called Poop Reads and work a real job that pays me with fairy farts and pieces of colored chalk. I would give up ages 30-34 in a fucking heartbeat for $20 million. Real talk.


p.s. That's in Italian prison mind you. If it's Sing Sing or some bullshit, not to sound racist, but there is no way in hell I'm doing four years there. I wouldn't make it. America, fuck yeah?

Monday, October 3, 2011

"Nostalgia on Repeat" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Klosterman investigates why we have nostalgia for songs and movies and the significance it holds. How does nostalgia hold up in the realm of art? Not at all? Or transcendentally well? Klosterman does most of the heavy lifting for you, but I guarantee you this article will make you think. And maybe reminisce.

"Cops Book Says Sean Combs, Suge Knight Ordered Tupac and Biggie Killings" by Chris Vogel and Simone Wilson - Laweekly.com

There's a new book coming out by a former L.A. cop who investigated Biggie's murder that apparently makes it pretty clear that Puffy ordered the hit on Tupac and Suge retaliated by ordering a hit on Biggie. Which, after all the smoke and mirrors and all these bullshit investigations they did into these murders, is pretty much what everybody thought from day one no? Glad we cleared that up 15 years after the fact. How come nobody ever got arrested though?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"Aaron Rodgers: The Quarterback" by Tom Junod - Esquire.com

I always thought Aaron Rodgers kind of looked like B.J. Novak from The Office no? Anybody? I think so, especially with the helmet on.

Anyhoo, I always wondered what he was actually like, because outside of being dead-nasty with a football in his hands, he seems kind of personality-less. Here one of the better writers in the game, Esquire's Tom Junod, pretty much proving me right.

"Deadspin Classic: A Prayer for Steve Bartman" by Will Leitch - Deadspin.com

Poor Steve Bartman huh? I watched ESPN's documentary on him last night and the only thing I wanted to do was give that poor defenseless nerd a hug. And that's saying a lot, because I hate nerds.

Here's a good essay on him and his infamous non-catch from Will Leitch's book, "Blah Blah Blah, Baseball Nostalgia, Blah Blah Blah".

"Rick Ross's Simple Lessons for Bosses, Dons, and Bitches" - Devin Friedman - GQ.com

The rare well written profile of a rapper. Devin Friedman's take on the black Jabba the Hut, Rick Ross the Boss. The great thing about this fat blob with the caramel voice is that he is both in on the joke and outside of it. He is a throwback hip-hop star who understands the irony of having a gold-and-diamond pendant of his face--the size of his face--without fully accepting it.

The author gets really, really stoned with him too.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"Why So Angry, Dad" by Katie Roiphe - Slate.com

Katie Roiphe is a celebrity intellectual who made her name in the early 90's with her book The Morning After which essentially said date rape was bullshit. It uh, garnered her some attention.

Here she writes a piece inspired by that new-ish book Go the Fuck to Sleep which is a bunch of verses ostensibly read from parent to small child that start out sweet and then end with the parent getting mad and cursing a lot because they are tired.

Her thesis is that yuppie couples with little kids don't fuck as much as they should. Now I ain't got no kids, but I think a succinct "no shit Sherlock" answers her argument pretty well here.

"Sentimental Education" by Nitsuh Abebe - Nymag.com

So Blink 182 has a new album out apparently. Yeah I didn't know they were still kicking around either. But they are. And apparently it's good. This cat Nitsuh Abebe doesn't so much review it as he does take a look Blink 182's legacy. They were the perfect band for the late 90's. Before the towers came down and everything was all boobs and fart jokes. Really a great time. I used to love Blink 182. I don't care if that makes me corny. Boobs and fart jokes are right up my alley. So was Blink. Saw them at Roseland with Silverchair in like '99. Both bands crushed it. Still one of the best concerts I've ever been to. So here you go, a Blink 182 retrospective. They deserve it. Except for Travis Barker, he's a total penis.

Monday, September 26, 2011

"Mountains to the Sea" by Kevin Koenig - PowerandMotoryacht.com

This from PMY's September issue, a tribute to a Brett T. Bailey, who died on 9/11. I dare you to find a better 9/11 article at 1,200 words. Can't be done.


p.s. Hand to God, there are some huge sharks right off the beaches at the Jersey Shore.

"The Survivor" by Chris Jones - Grantland.com

Chris Jones weighs in on the recent rash of hockey enforcer suicides. He's Canadian and he boxes, so he's probably got an inside edge on this story I'd think. That being said, is all these guys dying recently really that surprising? Like, if you're a hockey enforcer, you are a fucking nut right? You're a big white okie kind of dude who could probably drink 40 Labatt Blues and drive your pick-up truck home right? I could be wrong but that's the impression I get. Plus they like to fight so they're already a little nuts. From anecdotal evidence I've heard they juice a lot. I don't know, being an NHL enforcer seems to me like one step above being a professional wrestler. Not to be insensitive, but no shit they're dying.

"U.S. Treasure Hunters Find $200 Million Dollar Wreck" by Josh Voorhees - Slate.com

What's up bitches I'm back. I got kinda caught up with my actual job* traveling all over the country a few weeks back and didn't update. Truthfully Delta Airlines broke my spirit for a little bit. They fucking suck. So does Detroit, don't ever go there. It's rainy and sad and cold and poor. So, anyway, that's my apology.

Back to business. Let's talk some motherfucking treasure. This isn't really literature but some treasure hunting firm (They have those? Are they hiring?) just found a shipwreck with 200 million dollars of silver mahfuckin' bullion on it. And they get to keep 80% of it. Shit you not if I found 200 million dollars worth of treasure I would be dead in 3 months, Liver would just throw in the towel like "Fuck you Kevin I can't do this anymore. You're on your own, enjoy your short, liver-less life, dead guy."


*I Went to a high school reunion a few weeks ago and 3 or 4 people asked me if poop reads is my real job. To clear this up and avoid any awkwardness in the future, no, no it is not.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Are We Living in the Golden Age of Male Objectification?" by Joe Reid - Gawker.com

Gawker wonders if we've progressed to the point where Hollywood will start paying as much attention to the male body as the female body. The answer's no. Not at all. But probably a lot more than in years past.

Muscles are in bros. Hit the weight room. Curls for the girls. More plates more dates. More reps more boobs*. All of that.


*I just made that up on the spot. Pretty good, gonna use it in real life.

"Football Is Something We Can Agree On" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com

Chris Jones weighs in on why people love football (it matters not at all but is based in reality) and hate politics (it matters a lot but is based on fraudulence and illusion). Pretty great column I thought.

"Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap" by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

Are you guys watching this show? Forget Jersey Shore this show is incredible. Like literally Teresa Guidice on this show makes Snooki look like Stephen Hawking. And a hot Stephen Hawking at that. Semi-fuckable maybe. But still, her husband "Juicy" Joe Guidice is having himself a run at reality TV history this season. In this last ep he does a front flip into an awkward fish flop onto a marble floor while hammered and cracks his tooth off, all in front of his young daughters (who react hysterically) and guests. Teresa was "a little embarrassed" by her husband. Just a tad, no biggie.

He then goes on to say, in reference to his wife's brother "No offense to the faggots, but I call your brother a faggot because he's a fucking faggot." Now I have a question for you. Is this meatball of a man at the avant garde of the English language, intuitively understanding despite an evidently abysmal education that words change meaning as time progresses and when people say "faggot" these days they rarely actually mean homosexual? Or is he just a bigoted drunk? Only time will tell.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Honestly? These things are kind of growing on me. Drew Magary is eh at best, but I think the questions from his readers are getting better.

He kind of blew that gorilla vs. polar bear question. He like, kinda sorta gave the edge to the polar bear. Listen you guys, I know a thing or two about animals. I do. And I have been having this debate with myself and others for literally years. Which animal is the toughest? Which animal would win a fight. Blah blah blah.

The very best way to judge a mammal's toughness is by the prey that it eats. How large, in comparison to its own body, is its food? Let's see here. Put aside the fact that the largest silverbacks weigh 500 pounds and polar bears weigh over a ton. Polar bears eat fucking seals. 300 pound predators in their own right. Gorillas eat bananas. End of story. It's huge claws and teeth and millions of years of killer instinct bred into an animal versus a really strong monkey that eats fruit. It's like pitting a boxer versus a bodybuilder in a fight. There's no contest. Especially if the bodybuilder weighs 1/4 what the boxer does. Dumb question.

Oh and if you're interested, pound for pound the two toughest mammals in the world are the wolverine (60 pound animal that preys on elk and has been known to fight off grizzlies) and the least weasel (the world's smallest mammalian predator, it eats rabbits like 8 times its own weight), with the honey badger a not so distant third. Honey badgers have been known to attack and kill male lions by biting off their nuts. Real fucking talk there. Peace, lion nuts.


p.s. And if you're curious, no animal on earth (outside of a few snakes) can kill a full grown bull elephant. But that's only because they're so much freakishly larger than everything else.

Monday, September 12, 2011

"Lifting the Veil" by Calvin Tomkins - Newyorker.com

You guys, I apologize for the lack of articles lately. I've been traveling a ton and quite frankly, the internet has been coming up short lately. Every. Single. Web. Site. Is writing about 9/11, and while I realize that's important, I just don't want to read about it and get depressed so I haven't been as fastidious with my reading habits as of late. Like, the only time I want to read about 9/11 these days is if it's about Seal Team Six double tapping some backwards ass terrorist right in his dumb ugly eyeball. That's it. Vengeance is ours.

This article is about some hotshot downtown artist who paints hardcore porno scenes in the style of the great Italian masters. Guy goes high/low like you see in the movies.

It's a long one. May be a "double tapper" itself. Oh and don't worry, the Michealangelo-esque painting in the beginning of the the two chicks fingering the other girl? That doesn't actually show up on the printed-out version.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"Surviving the Fall" by Tom Junod - Esquire.com

Suffice to say, if you haven't had your fill of 9/11 stories yet, this one will do the trick. It's a follow up to Junod's acclaimed piece on Norberto Hernandez, a man who jumped to his death from one of the towers and was the subject of one of the most famous pictures taken that day.

"Grantland's NFL Preview" - Grantland.com

Good god. Been traveling all over the universe lately for work and not keeping this blog up and that's on me. My bust. Also, the Giants are going to fucking blow this year and that made my nuts hug a little closer, know what I'm saying? I literally bumped into Jonathan Goff this afternoon and he looked like a kind, former undersized D-1 tight end. Not the starting middle linebacker for the New York football Giants. A very nice look on his face. I'm sure that bodes well for his life choices and shit, but I'd rather have a David Harris-looking, I'm-shoving- a shotgun-in your-face-and-taking-all-your-money-now looking motherfucker playing ILB for me. Thanks.


p.s. Anybody who thinks the eagles are the number two favorite to win the Super Bowl is a total dumb dumb.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

The Deadspin Funbag is getting better and far more perverse, and it has nothing to do with Drew Magary's limp-dicked theories and everything to do with questions like this:

"Would you rather suck your dad's dick until he came or be paralyzed from the neck down?

The dad thing. And you'd pick the same thing. Don't tell me being Hawkinged is worth avoiding that shit."

http://deadspin.com/5837651/a-definitive-guide-to-karaoke-manners






"Why Me: Alec Baldwin's Disappointment, Undimmed by Success" by Ian Parker - Newyorker.com

Fuckin' Baldwin huh? Guy basically plays himself for a living telling jokes Tina Fey wrote on 30 Rock and he's still not happy. Like bro that is the life. You are literally doing you and getting paid millions of dollars to do it. You're like the Situation or Kim Kardashian just gallivanting around the earth being yourself and having people love to watch you do it. Only difference between you and dumb-dumb sticks and ol' big butt is that you are in on the joke. You are funny, charismatic, and likable and they are complete and utter ass hats. Take joy old man, it doesn't get any better than that.

"Free Advice: Shut Up" by Dan Klores - Grantland.com

This cat Dan Klores used to run his own crisis management firm and writes in for Grantland about how public relations is complete horse shit. Even gets a nice little dig in on Syracuse too which I always like. His gist is that athletes should just go straight DiMaggio when they fuck up, that is, they should just shut up. Stop talking. Particularly if you're an awkward, insecure, starting-to-fail, purple-lipped power hitter who prefers manly strippers. Just shut up already.

"Karl Marx Was Wrong" by Infinite Guest - Dealbreaker.com

Pretty sure this is the first article we've ever posted from Dealbreaker. I used to read them a lot when I was a finance monkey, but now not so much. Usually just a bunch of snarky Ivy League dweebs pulling each other's puds about how smart they are and how rich they'll be. Sweet bro.

But this article deconstructing Communism is actually pretty good. Nobody deconstructs Communism anymore mostly because just about everyone but that one dude Elaine dated on Seinfeld agrees that the shit works a lot better on paper, but still, this is a thought provoking piece. But it still doesn't mean you get to be a selfish dickwad and justify it with the philosophical stylings of Ayn Rand. Don't do that. That's what dickwads do.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Ten Mistresses Who Changed History" by Elizabeth Weingarten - Slate.com

A list of ten sluts who strutted their asses straight into the history books by hopping in the sack with some other lady's man-piece. Devious.

"Why We All Should Be Rooting for Notre Dame" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

I'm just so happy college football is back. Any football really. NFL will be great in a week too, but for now I'm as happy as a drunk irish guy in a dark irish bar rooting for Notre Dame. (This article is not all about ND, not sure why the misleading title.) This line from it about how ND alums don't really care about the moral high ground anymore is great though.

"There's a distance above sea level at which trees can't be found, and a distance above the malleable morals of modern sport at which crystal footballs are nowhere to be seen. "

Truer words my friends, truer words.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Defense Tack in Family Killing Promises More Harrowing Jolts" by William Glaberson - NYTimes.com

Kind of downer subject but still interesting as shit to me. So some of you guys remember this horrible story about the home invasion in Connecticut that happened a few years back. Long story short, two degenerates broke into this doctor's home in Connecticut and raped his wife and 11-year old daughter, and then set his house on fire, killing those two and his other daughter. They beat the guy unconscious and left him in the basement to burn but he got out. Awful.

So the first of the two pieces of shit that did this went to court and got the death penalty. Now the second guy is on trial and his lawyer is going dirty. Throwing dirt on the victim's family (not sure how that's possible), raising all sorts of conspiracy theories, calling the judge unfit so he can get a mistrial. Listen I know a lawyer is sworn to zealously defend his client and all, but know this: Way, way, way, way back when ... this is the guy they invented Hell for.

"Tha Carter IV: Decoded" by Rap Genius - Esquire.com

Esquire got Rap Genius, whoever the fuck that is, to break down every song on the new Weezy album "The Carter IV". This is something you should read if watching the VMA's made you feel like you're not really hip anymore. So now you're hooked up. Go wear a baseball cap with a flat brim and a sticker on it. It looks good on you though.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

This cat Drew Magary wrote a book? About what? What? I'm confused.

Anyway, dude likes cake better than pie, and that's the important part. Cake is so much better than pie it's not even funny. Cheesecake, carrot cake, chocolate mahfuckin mousse cake? Git off me. It's not even close.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"Donald Glover on his Hip Hop Alter Ego, Childish Gambino" by Todd Gilchrist - WSJ.com

How about this quote from Donald Glover on how he picked Childish Gambino as his rap name?

Where did the name come from?

I put my name in a Wu-Tang name generator. That’s half of the reason I’m here – I’m dead serious. Like I met RZA and he was like, “you’re a cool dude, man – and your name is perfect for you! It’s like that computer had a brain!” But yeah, I put my name in a Wu-Tang name generator and it spit out Childish Gambino, and for some reason I just thought that fit.


Fucking dick. He could be a rapper or a comedian but he decided to be both. What a dick.


p.s. First off, I just typed "wu tang" into google, and instead of the word "clan" automatically filling in, "name generator" popped up, which ain't right. And secondly, my name in the Wu Tang Name Generator is Budget Nudist. I think I just got burned. Gonna go watch Jersey Shore. Fuck you internet.