"A Death in Yellowstone" by Jessica Grose - Slate.com

Goddam this is a long article but it's worth your time. It's about grizzlies killing people in Yellowstone and people subsequently killing grizzlies for the crime. Pretty gut wrenching really. Apparently the most dangerous place in nature is not between a mama bear and her cubs, it's between an animal control officer's bolt gun and a mama bear's skull.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/death_in_yellowstone/2012/04/grizzly_bear_attacks_how_wildlife_investigators_found_a_killer_grizzly_in_yellowstone_.single.html

"Animals" by Chris Jones - Esquire

This is a long piece and the second this week on that Zanesville Zoo massacre. I haven't finished reading it yet but I can tell you this: I got off the subway today and read it while walking to the gym, and then I sat on a bench in the gym and read another few pages before the smell of mold and old dudes' sweaty junk made me decide to finish it at home.

And again, everybody is scared shitless of the tigers. I may go to the Bronx Zoo this weekend just to see a tiger. Most badass animal on earth.

http://www.esquire.com/features/zanesville-0312?click=main_sr

"18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

First off, read this article.

This Zanesville Zoo thing is about the craziest story to ever happen anywhere ever. You remember, the guy who let like 60 lions and tigers and bears out of their cages behind his home and then shot himmself. Apparently he may have also cut his dick off and tried to feed it to a white tiger before he ate his gun too. Like, what the fucking shit is going on here? Then the cops roll up and have to fight these fucking things like real-life Buckhunter. Dozens of abandoned cars and school buses on the property, neighbors hiding in barns, rainstorm rolling in, lions eating horses. Just the nutsiest, most apocalyptic shit imaginable. Also everybody agrees the tigers were the scariest, which I could see. Tigers don't play.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201203/terry-thompson-ohio-zoo-massacre-chris-heath-gq-february-2012

P.S. With zero hyperbole I can say that cutting off your own bird and feeding it to a white tiger is the craziest shit available on the menu. Numero uno.

"How to Beat up Animals when Animals Attack" by Doug Barry - ModernMan.com

I just wrote about this! It's like Modern Man (where I contribute occasionally) has a line straight into my brain. Which I guess technically they do since I write for them but that's beside the point. The point is, they totally fucked up the wolf part. My technique is so much better than "stand sideways" or whatever the mumbo jumbo is they're spewing. If it's do or die time with a wolf you gotta be a man about yours. Go in there like a boss looking to make wolf hats.

Fighting a mountain lion would be a nightmare though. I want no part of that. Shit defines "jungle cat, razor sharp." I can't defend myself against that.

I'm sneaky a little afraid to fight a raccoon too. Feel like they're dirty and infectious and likely to bite my balls. Just seems like something a raccoon would do.

http://www.modernman.com/how-to-beat-up-animals-when-animals-attack/

"Grizzly Attack" by Madison Kahn - OutsideOnline.com

Buncha dudes got attacked by a mahfuckin' grizzly bear in Alaska. They thought it was a haystack when they first saw it, which is really dumb but whatever, benefit of the doubt, if I saw a Grizzly in the wild right up in my noseholes I'd probably piss my pants twice before the bear said ggrrr. Anyway, my man heard his own skull crack, which I for one, will have nightmares about.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/outdoor-skills/survival/Grizzly-Attack.html

P.S. I think I could take a wolf in a fight, do or die, just me or the wolf, only one bloodline makes it out. I have a whole plan. When the wolf leaps, you sacrifice the left arm, let it bite down on the forearm, and then fight through the blinding pain to put it in a headlock, jump up in the air, and crash down on it breaking its neck. Bingo bango, I declare me the winner. I'd make a dope hat out of the wolf, one of those where you can still see the wolf's face and stuff, like indians wore. Fighting through the blinding pain would be the hard part of course, but I think if I had like 6 beers in me I could do it.

P.P.S Fucking NOLS kids.

"It's a Toad-Eat-Toad World and Other Tales of Animal Cannibalism" by Natalie Angier - NYTimes.com

Cane toads are ruthless. You heard about them? They're these big, fat, ugly toads from Latin America who were imported to Australia to eat beetles or something and ended up eating everything in sight. They're also poisonous so nothing can eat them. Crocodiles die if they eat Cane Toads. Seems unfair. Cane toads also routinely eat each other which is gross.

Here's a bunch of other tales of animal cannibalism the Times collected just for you. The one at the end is just twisted.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/01/science/animal-cannibalism-may-make-good-evolutionary-sense.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1320152917-E4hG9H3Ojz5SiJpL77cljQ

"Blood in the Water" by Tim Zimmerman - Outsideonline.com

Shocking story here. Killer whales, 3-ton killing machines with huge teeth that are known to kill and eat 20-foot great white sharks and play with seal carcasses for fun, tossing them 40 feet in the air with their snouts, are starting to kill the Sea World trainers that hop in a tank with them and try to get them to do the fucking hokie pokie. No one saw it coming. Killer whales killing people. Who'da thunk it?

Cool article though. Really.

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/nature/Blood-in-the-Water-Keto.html