Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

"Why People Cheat" by Lisa Taddeo - Esquire.com

This is a really good article written by a woman who fucks other women's husbands. Plain and simple. She tries to talk around it, make excuses, rationalize it away. But when push comes to shove, she wrecks lives. That's what she does. It's as interesting an article for what the author says about women at large as for what it says about the author herself.


"10 Rules for the Perfect Bachelor Party" by Jared Freid - BroBible.com

This is my boy Jared Freid laying wood with his guide to bachelor parties. Shit made me laugh out loud a couple times.

"Too many relationship guys and you’re in for a bachelor party brought to you by the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden. Too many single guys and you’re at a bachelor party brought to you by rape."

Pretty good stuff there. He's on his way to a bach party in New Orleans. Last time I did that I legitimately thought I was going to die there. Eyes bugging out of my skull from booting so profusely. I only ate one muffaletta in three days. That was it. One stupid italian sub they hijacked and called a fucking muffuleta. It's a sub you idiots. An italian one. Act like you've been there before.

Anyway, I remember about the first four hours of the three day weekend and then my brain went all silent movie on me. I remember seeing shit, but I don't remember a goddam thing anyone said, including me.

Read this, don't be me.


"Why the Phony Ratings Controversy Over Bully is giving the Movie Industry a Wedgie" by Tim Grierson - Gawker.com

Sorry everybody, I've been AWOL like whoa lately. My internet connection got switched around and fucked my whole operation up. Internet shutting down on me mid-sentence and shit. It wasn't cool. It was either give up the blog or go completely and utterly berserk, so I had to lay off for a bit. Now it seems like the internet has decided to work again so I'm gonna do my best to blog as much as possible. So there you have it. My bust, I promise to try to try harder.

Here's an article on the new documentary Bully about nerds who get bullied at school. It's apparently pretty harrowing and the MPAA won't give it a PG-13 rating, which Harvey Weinstein is all bullshit about and creating this whole pseudo-good-willed marketing campaign behind it in the hopes of squeezing as much money out of other people's misery as possible. This is sort of an expose. Interesting stuff though. Hollywood really is a vacant wasteland of greed and despair.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

"Men's Magazines Aren't Necessarily Doing Them Any Favors" - Jezebel.com

Here's an article from those crazy-eyed biscuits over at Jezebel about men's magazines and their sex columns, which apparently mostly suck except for two of them? To which I say, fuck that, I learned everything I know about sex from the Maxim sex column I used to read when I was 12 and my sex game is vicious. I think. Maybe. Pretty sure.

Nah I kid, I'm nice.


"The Myth Of Bisexuality, the Shame of Promiscuity, and Other Confessions of a Therapist" - Gawker.com

I don't really fucks with psychiatry because I'm Irish and we're impervious to that shit. Mainly because we drink our way through problems and if you went to a psychiatrist drunk you'd just spew babble at him until he told you to go home and dry out.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, this is some psychiatrist (Psychologist? The one who listens to you whine but can't prescribe drugs to shut you up) Gawker found to speak anonymously about how completely f'cocked his patients are. It's really pretty interesting. Human beings are all maniacs, bro. True story.


"Vamos Indios" by Robert Andrew Powell - Grantland.com

This is a book excerpt from a dude who followed around the soccer team for Juarez, Mexico--the most dangerous city in the world. How much does Mexico have to suck to be more dangerous than Iraq right now? Or fucking Uganda were Joseph Kony is making kids kill their own parents? Mexico. Won't catch me there anytime soon. Corrupt as shit. Poop Reads is taking a stand against Mexico. Place blows. Go to the Keys instead.

Also, you have to be completely out of your Mexican gourd to want to play pro soccer for a team in Juarez. Seems like a great way to get your dome lopped off after a loss some drug baron put a mil on. No fucking thanks.


"How You Should Feel About Kony 2012, the Campaign That’s Taking Over the Internet: A Guide" by Max Read - Gawker.om

Don't know if you've heard about this Joseph Kony dickhead but he's apparently terrorizing little kids in Africa? And this San Diego group Invisible Children made a video about his atrocities that went viral today. Everybody and their mom on Facebook and Twitter talking about this stuff. And none of them, and by none I mean, maybe like 12 of them can pick Uganda out on a map. Shit I thought it was a country that it borders and I'm pretty sure that makes me a borderline genius.

Either way, here's everything you need to know about Joseph Kony, Invisible Children, and basic geography so you can speak intelligently this weekend when people get drunk and start crying about the children.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"YouTube Hall of Fame: The Wire" - Grantland.com

Y'know I just didn't see anything worth Poop Reading today UNTIL I found this just now. YouTube Hall of Fame for the Wire. GIT OFF ME!!!!! I am so pumped to watch this. Best show of all time combined with one of my favorite regular web columns. Oh this is gonna be so good. So so very wonderful. Excuse me I need a moment.

I watched a few clips of The Wire today, including when Slim Charles pops Cheese, and god DAMN was that a good scene. Slim Charles was the man, and Method Man was so damn good at playing a slimy, two-faced slug. It felt so good to watch him get his wig split. Really brought me back. Enjoy.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

"The Saints, Head-hunting, and (Another) Disaster for the NFL" by Charles Pierce - Grantland.com

Charles Pierce's whole schtick is getting a little tiresome to me. I know I've touted him in the past, and he's a good writer no doubt. But between his undeniably self-righteous politics blog at Esquire and pieces like this one about the Saints bounty scandal, you begin to wonder how his mind got so high while his head stayed buried so low in the sand.

I'm almost insulted by all the 'outrage' about this Saints thing. Like we're supposed to be surprised that football players are trying to hurt each other? And multi-millionaire professional football players are putting down infinitesimal percentages of their salaries on who can hurt who? The horror. I mean no fucking shit this is going on. It's going on with every team in the NFL I'd bet. It was going on at the University of Miami and those guys didn't make an honest cent playing the game. Even Brett Favre, who got slobber-knocked left and right by these very Saints was just sort of like "yeah, that's football" when he was interviewed about 'the scandal.'

So save me the self-righteous blather about saving players' health and whatnot. They're all big boys. They signed on to run into each other at full speed and now they know the ramifications of their actions and you know what? By and large, they still don't seem to care. Because if they didn't play pro football they wouldn't have any money or women or nice cars or or big homes, and a lot of them would be pumping gas, teaching gym, selling insurance, or, in I'd wager more than a few cases, dead or in jail. At least they're honest with themselves about it. I can respect the hell out of that.

Bottom line, football is a violent game played by mean and angry men. As long as that's true there's always going to be imminent risk involved. And if you don't want to watch it, if that violence insults you, that's fine. Go watch soccer. I hear the US beat Italy 1-0.


P.S. Realest shit I ever wrote.

P.P.S. Still a decent article to read about this Saints stuff.

"What Makes Mad Men Great" by Matt Zoller Seitz - NYMag.com

I don't know if you've heard, Mad Men is back in like two weeks. This dude Matt Zoller Seitz, who I've never heard of and who has a pretty low profile in general I guess, absolutely crushes this article about what makes Mad Men so good. It's not often that I read something and think "god DAMN that was well written." But this, kids, this had that effect. The finishing sentence in and of itself is worth reading the article for. Hats off to Zoller Seitz, whomever he may be.


Monday, March 5, 2012

"Magic Mountain" What Really Happens at Davos" by Nick Paumgarten - NewYorker.com

The New Yorker sent some correspondent to go cover Davos. I only got through the first couple of pages but it ain't bad. If you're into that Davos stuff. Kind of sounds like summer camp for rich and powerful people. I got nothing else to say about that.


"Olivia Munn's Cellphone E-Mail Got Hacked ..." - Barstoolsports.com

Sorry guys. I have very little for you today. I try to keep the quality control here tight and the internet simply didn't bring it today.

That being said, the best thing I saw all day was the messages Olivia Munn sends her boyfriend along with naked pictures of her. Honest to god the text is maybe hotter than the photos. This chick is dduurrtttyyy. God bless her slutty little heart. She should run a school where you can send you girlfriend to slut her up just like 10-15 percent. Clearly you don't want anybody long term doing/saying shit like Olivia gets into, because there's no satisfying a chick like that. But still, I like her style and everyone can use a sensei. Do you, Munn.



Sunday, March 4, 2012

"Rembert Explains the '80s: Out of This World" by Rembert Browne - Grantland.com

These things crack me up. Here Rembert Browne breaks down an episode of Out of this World, you remember, with the chick whose dad was an alien who she spoke to through a glass prism. I don't have much else to say about this, shit is ridic.


'The Sopranos Five-Year Cut to Black" by Steven Hyden - Grantland.com

If you're a Sops fan this is a must read. Great article about the final episode of Sopranos, which is about to be five years old. Two things to say about this. One, I think it's pretty obvious that Tony died. The conversation he had with Baccala on the boat earlier in the season about how when you get shot you probably don't even know it was an obvious foreshadowing. But also I was watching The Godfather this weekend and noticed that whats-his-face in the Italian bar that Michael shoots with the cop, he says just before he dies "try the veal, it's the best in the city" which is almost word for word what Tony says about the onion rings "try the onion rings, they're the best in the state" just before it all goes black. Too much of a coincidence for me.

I used to think that the ending was more nuanced than that, and was supposed to be a meta play on the viewership, sort of chastising them for caring about a fictional bad guy. But now I think it's more cut and dry than that. RIP, Tony.


"Bullfighter's Return Stuns a Hardened Sport" by Raphael Minder - NYTimes.com

So this Spanish bullfighter got his whole shit broke by a bull last year and lost an eyeball in the process. Now he's making a comeback, which I guess is cool. Fall off the horse, get right back on it. Get curb stomped by a cow, stab the cow with a hundred spears until it dies. Yada yada yada. My only thing here is, how the fuck do you dodge a charging bull when you have no depth perception? This seems poorly thought out.


"Encounters with Unexpected Animals" by Bret Anthony Johnston - Esquire.com

I don't usually post a lot of fiction on Poop Reads, can't remember if I ever have actually, but this short story from Esquire was pretty awesome. It's about sex, love, kids, parenting, and the dangers of thinking you're smarter than everybody else. Good read.


"Star-to-Be Who Never Was" by Harvey Araton - NYTimes.com

So Lenny Cooke was this Jersey/Brooklyn kid who ten years ago was supposed to be the best high school basketball player in the country. Then he went to the ABCD camp and a kid one year younger than him, by the name of Lebron James, destroyed his whole persona with one well-timed three-point shot. Uhh, as you can see in the picture, Lenny Cooke didn't really pan out as an NBA star.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

"Navy SEALs: Obama's Secret Weapon" by Daniel Klaidman - TheDailyBeast.com

Haven't read it yet. Going to read it. Navy SEALs like whoa. Of course I want to know how Obama figured out how to use these badass motherfuckers.


"The Urban Survival Skills That Everyone Should Know" by Thorin Klosowski - Lifehacker.com

Poop Reads must read here guys, just because I like you. This article from Lifehacker has every conceivable urban emergency and how to survive it, complete with written directions and a lot of Youtube videos. It's pretty long, I haven't even made my way through it yet, but I am going to finish it. Because I don't want to die in a fire, or get killed by a mugger, or drown in a tsunami, or get eaten by a crackhead. These are real things. These are things that happen. You best protect ya neck.


"13 Right-Wing Talking Points for the Simmons-Obama Podcast" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Am I the only one who can't really fathom that the Sportsguy scored an interview with a sitting president? This is damn near amazing to me. This is a dude who made guys like me laugh my balls off in my cube in 2005, writing about his idiot friends and cockamamie syllogisms between Roadhouse and the Boston Red Sox. I mean it's flabbergasting that he's gonna sit down down with Obama and chew the fat and people are going to listen. I don't know, I know he's lost his fastball as of late, at least writing-wise, but damn, hard not to feel good for the guy, you know? Here's to you, Bill Simmons. To quote Joe Biden, this is a big fucking deal.


P.S. Oh shit, almost forgot, Drew Magary came up with a list of ridiculous shit for right-wing asshats to jump on Simmons and Obama about. Pretty funny.