Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

"SI investigation reveals eight-year pattern of violations under Tressel " By George Dohrmann with David Epstein - SI.com

You may have heard a little about this story if you have testicles and/or haven't been living under a rock studying for the CFA exam for the past two months. Big scandal at the THE Ohio State University. Tressel stepping down. Tattoos for all. Can't wait for this all to pan out. Mainly because as my man Glennzo recently said, "It's going to come out that boosters paid for Terrelle Pryor to have sex dungeons or something." No, it really is.


p.s. If you havent' seen the South Park from last week that just nailed the NCAA right in the poopshoot, you need to get on that like now.

"Sex Trafficking of Americans" by Amy Fine Collins - Vanityfair.com

Apparently sex trafficking isn't just for asians and the eastern europeans anymore? American girls are in the mix as well.

Listen, I'm not trying to make fun of this because it's a shitty situation, obviously. But Christ, why the hell don't they just legalize prostitution? Hey, these girls are being beaten, and getting addicted to drugs, and murdered and washing up on Long Island beaches? Oh yeah? Get the government involved. Make it like cigarrettes. Regulate it, and tax the hell out of it. I don't mean to sound callous, but women have been going into the whorehood since day fucking one. They're never going to stop. You know why? Because men will always pay them for sex. Always. It's not going anywhere. So why not create a goddam bureau, have medical professionals, psyhcologists, social workers, and a few good businessmen run the joint and make it a safer enterprise for everyone involved? Boom. Aids goes down, beatings go down, murders go down, abuse goes down. Revenue goes up. Build a freaking school with that revenue and hope you can educate these chicks enough that they won't grow up and feel like their only choice is to bang fat assholes who can't get laid for free. Simple.


"Lebron James Shall Be Redeemed" by Scott Raab - Esquire.com

Scott Raab has spent the last year foaming at the lips over Lebron's move from Cleveland to Miami. He sounds pissed, but truthfully, I can't tell how much of it is for show--promotion for his upcoming book about James "The Whore of Akron" (actual title). Anyway, he's kind of come to terms with the fact that the Heat are going to win this year's NBA championship, and probably the next ten. Fate is cruel. Lesson learned: Don't be from Ohio.


p.s. Sorry mark and kelley. But seriously, Ohio's basically New Jersey with worse Italian food and no ocean. Just lots of awful cities, good high school football, and a surprising dollop of racism.

p.p.s. Oh, and tattoo parlors. I hear they ink a mean tat in the Buckeye State.

Monday, May 30, 2011

"Nowitzki and James Took Divergent Paths to Same Goal" by Karen Crouse - NYTimes.com

Pretty damning article from the Times comparing Dirk Nowitzki and Lebron James. This passage says it all.

"In the free-agent frenzy of 2010, Nowitzki, without much fanfare, decided to remain with the franchise that first signed him and for whom he has toiled for 13 seasons. He re-signed with the Mavericks, he told reporters Monday, because “ultimately, that was where my heart was at.”
He added, “It almost felt like we had unfinished business.”


"Friday Night Lights in Long Beach" by Troy Patterson - Slate.com

New docu-drama on Slate.com is like Friday Night Lights but real and in the hood. I can't wait to watch it. Slate.com loves it.


p.s. Gimme a break. It's 10pm on Memorial Day and I havent been sober since Friday.

"Have You Tried the Huckabee Technique?" by Bruno Maddox - GQ.com

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Harmon Killebrew - 573. Frank Robinson - 586. Willie Mays - 660! Babe! Oops. Sorry.

This dude thinks of Mike Huckabee playing bass guitar. Pretty funny.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

"I'll Wear Shorts If I Goddamn Want To" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Tom Ford--King of the Gays and head designer for Gucci--says men should not wear shorts unless they are at the beach. Drew Magary--King of Chronicling Drunken Failure and in my mind probably a cream-cheese pale, fat Irish mick*-- rebutts, he'll wear shorts when and where he damn well pleases. To quote my mother, "You go girl!"


*A google image search could sort that out in a hurry. But this is Poopreads, you want fact checking go read the Times you fairy. I'm trying to watch The Office and go to bed.

Thanks to Faht

"From the Yearbook to the White House: The 2012 Republicans in High School" by Chris Good - TheAtlantic.com

Straight up, this article isn't gonna be good to print out. read it on your preferred mobile device. But it is pretty entertaining. High school yearbook photos of the leading Republican candidates for president. Two things to note. Why wasn't Sarah Palin hot when she was younger? She's like 60 now and still could do porn. Also, Mitt Romney went to Cranbrook! That's a private school!


"What I Did on My Summer Vacation: Inside the Hunt for Ratko Mladic" by Scott Anderson - Esquire.com

This story is insane. A bunch of pretty serious journalists are all on vacation in Eastern Europe. One night they get drunk and decide to go catch one of the world's most wanted war criminals in his remote Serbian hideout where he is surrounded by 70 bodyguards. They have no guns. Or training. Or after too much of whatever the hell they call booze in Serbia, rational thought. Suffice to say, the CIA got involved. Quickly.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"A Year at War: The Chaos of War, Up Close" by James Dao - NYTimes.com

Wowowow. Just read this article after a Poopreader sent it to me. Great stuff. The bulk of the story is on soldiers wearing helmet cams during missions in Iraq and Afghanistan (complete with a really cool video of a firefight). But the good stuff--and by good, I mean dramatically good, there's nothing actually good about it--comes at the end. Read this article all the way through.

thanks to Swankie

"Lift Weights and Run Races but Never Slide into First" by RealAnonymous - Barstoolsports.com

First things first. After Barstool U--which makes my Mac do the pinwheel thing--and Manzo and Jerry Thornton, who need to find other jobs, Barstool Philly is the bastard child of the Barstool empire. El Pres and KFC kill it on a daily basis, and then you got Philly coming in with dumb, unfunny blogs that often seem passive aggressively racist against white people. It's just a weird set up.

That being said, this long article from RealAnonymous on the site was funny and true. Working out is good for you, but sliding into first will fuck you up for real. You're not a kid anymore.

"Bernard Hopkins Finally Explains His Loathing For Donovan McNabb And How He Can 'Look Through A Man’s Soul'" by Luke O'Brien - Deadspin.com

Tell you what, Bernard Hopkins is a crazy like a fox. Yeah he might have spent a good chunk of his prime sitting in a prison cell, not lifting weights. And yeah he might be a little racist against other black people. And sure he's got a face that says "I'd slit your wife's nostrils open and then go home and make myself an ice cream sandwich." But I'll be goddamed if he doesn't make a lot of sense in this quick-hitter article. Real reckanize real.

"Do Prisoners Really Spend All Their Time Lifting Weights" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

A valid question if there ever was one. I always assumed that they couldn't give prisoners free weights because they'd smash each other over the head with them. Like in that one episode in Oz when the dude is benching and Pencamo walks over and strangles him with the barbell. Rugged.

Just today I was in the gym wondering which piece of gym equipment I would use if it was the Middle Ages and I needed to pick a weapon. Interesting conundrum. Basically you just want something that is the heaviest thing you can handle deftly. Problem is, most of the things in the gym, the handles, the weights, etc. are pretty heavy no matter how strong you are, and you couldn't swing them effectively. You know what I was thinking about today? That little rope handle with the heavy rubber balls on the end of it you use for tricep pulldowns. Thing is like a blackjack. Good weight, easy to swing. Yeah it's not gonna help you if someone swings a 20 pound barbell at your melon, but without the extra weight in your hands, it will be easier to duck.

You might think I sound like a sociopath but I guarantee you 10-20% of Poopreaders have had this same exact thought play out in their heads.

p.s. Real talk Bone, you weakling.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"Monday Morning Quarterback" by Peter King - SI.com

Oh man, that last post icked me out and made me want to kick Canadians in their balls from behind. Needed this good-old-fashioned Peter King MMQB column to even things out. Gender neutral baby. Gross. Football. Good. Let's hope they play it this year. Else Ray Lewis is going to start killing people indiscriminately. Not a good thing to start happening again.


"Paren'ts Keep Child's Gender a Secret" by Jayme Poisson - Parentcentral.com

This couple in Toronto had a baby named Storm and they're raising it "gender-neutral." No one knows if it's a boy or girl, not even its little stupid hippie siblings Jazz and Kio. Nice work mom and dad. I'm sure Storm is going to thank you in the long run for this stroke of brilliance/child abuse. Way to really stick it to society by crippling your infant child's sense of self for ever and ever. I'll give you a hint, when Storm turns five, if Storm picks up sticks and starts saying "bang, bang!" Storm's a boy. If it picks up a doll and wants to play house, it's a girl. Either way, it's going to be addicted to heroin by the time it's 18 and hate both of you, forever. Cool idea though, bros.

That's big-boy talk.


thanks to Fran again. Fran's killing the Poopreads game right now.

"The Sad Stories of Believers Disappointed by Non-Apocalypse" by Ujala Seghal - TheAtlantic.com

Oh these dumb believers. There's really nothing left to be said about these people that spent all their money thinking the world was going to end. I'm just a little quizzical as to why there weren't more pieces like this one, about these guys' reactions when Judgment Day came, and went.


p.s. you think there's going to be an uptick in babies born nine months from May 21st? Has to be right? Every red-blooded man in America played the-world-is-ending angle last Saturday afternoon.

Thanks to Fran

Monday, May 23, 2011

"Friday Night Lights recap" - Slate.com

Friday Night Lights is the best show on television right now, bar none. In fact, this season is so good, that it's edged out the Sopranos as my second favorite TV show of all time. Behind, obviously, The Wire, which will never be unseated. The king stays the king, nahmean?

Slate.com has some really smart people writing these recaps that I swear to you will make the show even more enjoyable. It's pretty incredible. Like having notes at the bottom of the page while reading Shakespeare. Real talk. Shakespeare.

If you clicked on this article, I'm probably preaching to the choir, so I'll just end it like this. "They came here looking for a party, I say we go out there and give 'em a fistfight!"

"Dead Wrestler of the Week: Macho Man Randy Savage" by The Masked Man - Deadspin.com

Macho Man Randy Savage died last week after he had a heart attack while driving his car. Sounds like he snapped into one too many Slim Jims,* also steroids. Deadspin does a nice little memorial for him here.

But how about this. Who were the four biggest wrestlers ever? You could make a case that they were Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and the Ultimate Warrior. Three of those dudes are dead. (I'm pretty sure Ultimate Warrior is dead at least. Didn't he die twice or some bullshit? I don't know, in my mind, he's dead. He's dead right?) Whatever dude, my point is, if I'm the Hulkster I'm not buying any green bananas.

*ganked that line from my man Bert. Pantheon email, Bert.

"Race to Space, Through the Lens of Time" by John Noble Wilford - NYTimes.com

This article takes a look back at the space race. Seems kind of quaint now in a "let's show these Russkies who's who, eh fellows?" kind of way. But back then it felt like life or death. This passage got me hooked.

"At one meeting, his brother Robert F. Kennedy, the attorney general, “turned on everybody,” it was reported, saying: “All you bright fellows. You got the president into this. We’ve got to do something to show the Russians we are not paper tigers.” At another, the president pleaded: “If somebody can, just tell me how to catch up. Let’s find somebody — anybody. I don’t care if it’s the janitor over there.” Heading back to the Oval Office, he told Mr. Sorensen, “There’s nothing more important.”"

Damn, JFK on some real talk right there. In tangentially related news, did anybody watching the OKC-Dallas game right now get inspired to be a better person by that Jim Beam commercial with Willem Defoe in it? I did. "Eventually, your choices become you." Ironic because choosing to drink Jim Beam has never, EVER made me a better person. I can guaranfuckingtee you that much. Enjoy the article, and lay off the sauce you mugs.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

"We Are All Teenage Werewolves" by Alex Pappademas - NYTimes.com

BREAKING NEWS! THERE IS A NEW MTV SHOW COMING OUT BASED ON TEEN WOLF!!! Caloo, calay!!! The dogs day are over! Finally, somebody's remaking something awesome from the 80s.

Serious question, how much would it take for you to box a werewolf? I wouldn't. Not for any less than 100 dollars anyway.

"Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

I know you guys love these things. Drew Magary doing his thing. Chronicling the patheticest of the patheticest attempts to get laid. For shame.

"Waiting for the Gay Superstar" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

Everybody who plays pro basketball is gay now all of the sudden. And not just in the WNBA. Real basketball too. Weird.

p.s. Feel like there's always been rumors flying around about A.I. being gay. Nobody believes it but me. Guys a warrior, but there's definitely a twinkle in his eye. Pretty positive he bangs dudes. Real talk.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

"The Ejector Seats Trial by Fire" by James Cross - Gizmodo.com

So wait, do you mean to tell me that the first guy who ever tested out an ejector seat on a fighter jet, didn't know that he was testing out an ejector seat? That's fucked man. Kinda like when you're little and you're playing with your hamster and you pick it up from the ground and then drop it and catch it right before it goes splat on the floor. My mom always used to yell at me for doing that.

Thanks to Branca

"Beware the Doorman Wielding an iPad" by Stephen Heyman - NYTimes.com

Great article sent in by a Poopreader today about how some of the hottest clubs in NYC have a VIP customer list--not like, Timberlake shows up and automatically gets in, but say, like, the best high-low culture blogger in the world comes to the door--that lets some guys get in with no wait, everytime. It's an interesting glimpse into an oftentimes very private world.

thanks to strap

"Dylan's Birthday Present" by Ron Rosenbaum - Slate.com

Bob Dylan might be god, but he's not God. The man is fallible. He's made some mistakes. There's no need to pretend otherwise. That's why people have always liked him anyway, because above all, he's human--he's one of us. So why do some of his fans try to deify him and say everything he's ever done is wonderful? Ron Rosenbaum takes them to task.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

"Droit du Dirty Old Men" by Stephen Clarke - New York Times

Apparently the French are pro-rape if you're talented enough. They don't believe that powerful, successful people should be beholden to the same Earthly laws as the rest of us (you) peasants. They're all pissed off that we threw this rapey IMF chief in Riker's for allegedly forcing his baguette into that maid. Well fuck all that noise. We as Americans won't stand for it! Treat everybody equally. Liberte, egalite, fraternite, bitches!

Unless it's Kobe Bryant. That guy is really good at basketball. Like, super good. He gets a pass. Just once though. He buttrapes someone else and it's straight to jail for you, Kobe.

"A Once-Tight Flock at Goldman, Now Scattered" by Susanne Craig - NYTimes.com

If you're at all interested in finance, success, money, rich people, or people in general, this story will appeal to you. The Times did an informal study on the 221 people who were fortunate enough to be partners at Goldman Sachs in 1998, the year it went public. It's a little "where are they now?" type deal. You'd be surprised. One dude's a pastor. Another guy lost his entire $120 million dollar fortune investing in a Turkish bioengineering company that was trying to create miniature giraffes for sale as pets.

"An Ode (Sort Of) on the Demise of Elaine's" by John Mariani - Esquire.com

So this bar/restaurant named Elaine's on the Upper East Side was basically everything any like downtown, try-to-be-cool club/lounge in New York could ever try to be. It really set the bar, no pun intended. In his prime, Woody Allen ate dinner there every night for ten years. That's what he claims anyway, but I call bullshit because that's impossible.

The restaurant's success (it had middling food) was due to it's owner Elaine Kaufman, who ran the place like a tough-but-beloved mother. In the early days, she would let writers come in and eat, and if they couldn't pay, she'd take a risk and let them skip the bill. It paid off big-time when those same young regulars turned into literary stars like David Halberstam, Thomas Wolfe, and the dude who wrote Forrest Gump. She recently passed away and the restaurant is closing next week. A real great piece of New York History, or any history for that matter, here.

"The Hot-Money Cowboys of Baghdad" by Steven Lee Myers - NYTimes.com

You think you're bad? Hot shot on the trading desk taking "big risks" with other people's money? Really striking out on your own with that marketing agency you're trying to get to fly? If you were really bad, you'd go to Baghdad with nothing but a handgun, a cell phone, and a business card. Like these guys. Get that Saddam-Hussein-type money, son! You won't do it ...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

"Lips Get Smacked" by Bruce Buschel - Deadspin.com via Philadelphia Magazine

This piece is part if Deadspin's "Stories that don't suck" series. It was originally published in 1993 and was anthologized in "The Best American Sports Stories" 1994 edition. It's about Lenny Dykstra. Nails. A ballplayers ballplayer. This writer sat with Dykstra as he lost a bunch of money playing cards in A.C. You're gonna like this article.

"The Diet That Shook Up Tennis" by Tom Perrotta - WSJ.com

I'm kind of in that boat that thinks gluten-free diet is sorta bullshit for most people. Like if you really have celiac disease, that sucks, and by all means, don't eat that bread or drink that beer. But otherwise it's just kind of a nuisance to the other people who have to eat with you and put up with your imaginary dietary restrictions. That's poor form.

Anyway, Novak Djokivic went gluten-free and it helped his game apparently. So call me a jerk if you want. I still don't believe in gluten free anything. And Nadal is about 11x cooler anyway. Pretty sure that dude snorts gluten. Doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would turn any substance away.

"Nasty, Brutish, and Not that Short" Economist.com

If you've ever watched the battle scenes in Braveheart and thought to yourself, "holy shit, how violent must that have been?" you're going to like this article, about a skeleton unearthed from the Battle of Towton, which occurred in England in 1461. The writer (whose name I can't find listed anywhere?) goes in depth about how this man would have lived, and how he might have died. Turns out taking a few shots to the noggin from a broad sword can do some horrific damage.

Really, this is one of my favorite articles I've read in a while. I think about that medieval battle stuff a lot. Like, how was anyone good? Even if you were the nastiest swordsman in all of England, what's to stop someone from chopping out your knees from behind with a battle axe or whatever? How did anyone ever survive? Doesn't make any sense.

"Aging Process Strikes Again" by Doug Glanville - ESPN.com

With Jeter and Posada getting older, and a changing of the guard taking place with the Yankees, much has been made about old players and when they should hang 'em up. Doug Glanville--a former pro ballplayer himself--writes an insightful and kind of heartbreaking article here about realizing that you've lost a step, and you're never going to get it back. He makes the interesting observation that "baseball players are terrible self-evaluators who need denial as much as they need a rocket arm." He's right. In a sport where failing 70% of the time is considered a good thing, you better have a short memory, be an optimist, and have mental toughness. If you don't, I'm sure it's not to late to try out for lacrosse. Bunch of little league drop-outs over there. Couldn't hit a curveball.

Monday, May 16, 2011

"Rich and Sort of Rich" by Andrew Ross Sorkin - NYTimes.com

These days making $250,000 per year makes you rich. So says Obama--and he wants to tax the hell out of you if you do make that much. I'm actually cool with that, I pull in about $245,000 a year off Poopreads and my other job doesn't cover the difference between that and 250k so I'm good, suckers. Pay up.

Guess I shouldn't have studied liberal arts in college?


"The University Has No Clothes" by Daniel B. Smith - NYMag.com

Your degree in liberal arts is worthless. So says these two dudes who graduated form Cornell and Stanford respectively. This article is getting a lot of pub and pissing a lot of people off. Basically says that college is a total racket and people would be better served going right into the work force after high school. Kind of makes sense in a way, but it doesn't mean higher education is a farce. I think the problem is that, as they say "college isn't for everyone" and it really fucking isn't. Like, Tommy DeVito who grew up down the street from you and used to eat pillbugs in 4th grade and fell off his skateboard and concussed himself 4 times in high school, that kid doesn't need to have his parents pay $40,000 a year so he can go to Ithaca and get black out drunk for four years and probably pick up a drinking problem he'll never quite shake. He doesn't. The world needs plumbers. It really does. I need a plumber right now matter of fact. Goddam shower won't stop leaking.


"Game On! The Untold Secrets and Furious Egos Behind the Rise of SportsCenter" by James Andrews Miller and Tom Shale - GQ.com

So there's a new book that's an oral history of Sportscenter coming out and places like Deadspin are going bonkers over it. I never really understood Deadspin's hard-on for ESPN, makes no sense to me. Reeks of inferiority. I don't know, whatever. Sportscenter is an iconic show. And every red-blooded American male knows its the second best thing in the world to have on in the background while you nap, after golf.

That being said, I always thought Keith Olbermann was just a giant douchebag in real life. But according to this story he's like this totally misunderstood genius who completely built Sportscenter from the ground up after taking like a 300% paycut to take the gig. Learn something new everyday.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

"Take It All Off" by Adam Rapoport - GQ.com

Short hitter here. I couldn't resist it though because I am a proud owner of a sick buzzcut--the best haircut in the entire world ever. I been had done been rocking a buzzcut since '88 except for a few years in college where I decided to put on 45 pounds and grow out my thick, curly, Lego-man hair. Milk was a bad choice. Whatever, I still cashed checks, and that's all that matters in this life.

"John Demjanjuk: The Last Nazi" by Scott Raab - Esquire.com

Is John Demjanjuk getting railroaded? He's apparently not an ex-Nazi, torturer, or even a German, yet he's going down for Holocaust crimes that seem to many to be dubious at best. But he must have done something bad, right?

"Appreciating the Zen Master in Full" by Bill Simmons - ESPN.com

Bill Simmons graces us with his presence again. This time in a pretty cool article about the greatest living basketball coach, Phil Jackson. Dude used to smoke a lot of weed, has a bad back, and is into Buddhism. So Cali.

"Why I Think Steroids Are Out of Baseball" by Joe Posnanski - SI.com

Joe Posnanski thinks juice is out of baseball. Maybe. I don't really know. Players do seem flabbier these days. A-Rod is built like a normal human being now and not like the centaur he thought he used to look like.

In other news, I just had dinner at Southern Hospitality, and the bartender mistook my girlfriend for Nick Swisher's fiance except I looked her up and L-Boogie is better looking. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Friday, May 13, 2011

"The People vs. Goldman Sachs" by Matt Taibbi - Rollingstone.com

And now to bring us full circle on this lovely friday afternoon, Matt Taibbi drops in to give the full story behind GS robbing John Q. Public and then lying about it to Congress. The federal government spent millions of dollars prosecuting a giant-headed baseball player who lied about shrinking his own nuts, but dollars-to-donuts says Lloyd Blankfein doesn't spend a minute on trial for perjury even though he got me (and countless others) laid off. That being said, hey Lloyd, call me.


We will be back to our regularly scheduled boring commentary from your lackluster editor on Monday. Thanks for your attention. If you have any questions or suggestions just keep them to yourselves because, really, I don't care.

Also, follow us on twitter @poopreads. Do it. Do it.

"A Rite of Torture" by Nichols D. Kristof - Nytimes.com

Cutting Clits would be a good band name.


But seriously pageant girls, maybe its time to stop complaining that mommy gave you Botox when you were 8. Soft.

"Is Hip Hop Evil?" Interview with Thomas Chatterton Williams by Mark Smirnoff - Oxfordamerican.org

"If anything, hip hop is the "Black People Fox News" - Tommy Williams

That quote is enough to read the article right there.


While we're on the subject of rap, Jay-Z sucks. Yeah i said it. I've gone to 3 of his concerts in the last 2 years and i still think he sucks. He's good live but anyone who hits with his average of 1-2 good songs per album just is not a hip-hop "legend". The only thing legendary about him is how he sold all those copies of "Hard Knock Life". Good god that CD sucked.

I'll stop now before I write 5000 words on the subject. By the way, No Clue Ninja thinks Jay is the greatest rapper of all time and we've had many arguments about it in the past. Can't wait for him to read this.

"Unspoken Truths" by Christopher Hitchens - Vanityfair.com

Due to some technical difficulties (No Clue Ninja has the haircut, basketball game and technological know-how of a 1950's schoolboy), I will be filling in as guest blogger for the day. Don't fret, I will provide you with all of the necessary wit and (sometimes) entertaining articles to get you through that lunchtime Chipotle.

First up is a link to an article from the upcoming Vanity Fair about Chris Hitchens throat cancer slowly robbing him of his voice. If you just broke up with your girlfriend or are a Celtics fan I suggest staying away from this one. That being said, it's an extraordinarily written piece about the relationship between your speaking voice and writing voice, and how its loss can affect not only your work but your everyday interactions.


True story: I spent a couple of minutes picking the brain of Matt Taibbi once and he gave me this strong piece of advice, "An english professor once told me to find my own voice... I told her to fuck off. It worked."

P.S. Seriously, he really is straight out of the 50's. His nickname is Buzz and everything.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

"How Delta Force Works" by Josh Clark - Howstuffworks.com

I loved this article. Howstuffworks.com takes you through the history, selection process, training, and missions of Delta Force, the most elite unit in the US Army--and perhaps the entire military. Not really much else to say except that these guys are badass and you will like reading about them.


"'Most Likely to Succeed' Burden" by Sue Shellenbarger - WSJ.com

Apparently there's a lot of people out there who were voted Most Likely to Succeed in their high school yearbooks and yet never really amounted to anything. Poppycock. High school superlatives are always accurate indicators of future success. For example, I got voted "Most Likely to Win an Olympic Gold Medal" and ten short years later I started a blog filled with articles people can read while they dump out.

Think about it.


"Like Magic, Great Sports Nicknames are Disappearing" by John Branch - NYTimes.com

Pretty cool article in the Times about how sports nicknames are becoming more and more rare. Nowadays they're all corporate and unoriginal--like A-Rod. I was going to write something about what I think the best nickname of all time is, but it's early and I think I drank out of a dirty tap last night, so I'll just leave you with these (true) nuggets about Joltin' Joe DiMaggio.

1. His teammates didn't call him Joltin' Joe. They called him The Big WOP. For some reason that nickname didn't catch on in the media though.

2. At his favorite brothel when DiMaggio visited they changed the sheets on his bed from the standard satin to cotton so he could get better traction. They called them The DiMaggio Sheets.


"Neo-Nazi Father is Killed" by Jesse McKinley - NYTimes.com

So this father in SoCal was a huge Neo-Nazi and was raising his family to be racist and love guns. Just training his little kids to be warriors in the impending race war, yeah! Problem was it sounds like he might have trained ten-year old Junior just a little too well, because Junior shot daddy dead as he slept on the living room couch.


p.s. How does the Neo-Nazi party have only 400 members and yet they're still a commonly referenced group? Shit, they're outnumbered by Poopreaders. I need to up my media footprint like now.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"Life and the Cosmos, Word by Painstaking Word" by Claudia Dreifus - NYTimes.com

An interview with Stephen Hawking, the only man alive today who it is said would have been able to match Einstein point for point in conversation besides myself. Plus dude has Lou Gehrig's Disease and was supposed to have died years ago, but somehow he keeps pushing through, uncovering the secrets of the universe. Listen to what this guy has to say, it's genius.


"U.S. Was Braced for Fight with Pakistanis in bin Laden Raid" by Eric Schmitt, Thom Shanker and David E. Sanger - NYTimes.com

Reporters just found out that the reason there were so many helicopters filled with SEALs during the bin Laden raid was not because they needed 40 of the most deadly men in the world to kill one dirty piece of shit--it was because Obama and others were afraid that Pakistani forces might attempt to engage the SEALs and we wanted to be ensure that they could fight their way out if need be.

Which is all to say, fuck Pakistan. Really, from the bottom of my heart. Fuck Pakistan. We give that useless shit stain of a country something like $5 billion dollars a year in aid so a guy we've spent countless dollars and thousands of lives trying to find can hide 35 miles from their version of West Point. And their public is largely sympathetic to a mass murder? And our government was afraid their government would kill our soldiers for going in and trying to get the guy? Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining Pakistan. You're not a friend. We should just blow that whole place up. Harry Truman's probably spinning in his grave.


p.s. sorry for the rant.

"Local Pastor Made Up Elaborate SEAL Tale" by Liz Goodwin - Yahoonews.com

Wait, so apparently there's an epidemic of religious leaders, not just random, insecure nut bags, but actual pastors and stuff who lie about heroic military pasts in order to build their own flock? That's some fucked up shit right there on more levels than my limited mathematical abilities will allow me to count. Case in point, this pastor in Pennsylvania who told everyone he was a former SEAL and, and(!) used details from the Steven Seagal movie Under Siege to bolster his own "war stories." Can't make this stuff up folks. Read on.


p.s. Did you know that Frank Dux, the guy Van Damme played in Bloodsport, was a total fraud. His Kumite trophies were found to be bought from a trophy store less than a mile from his place. Google it (I know, major bummer).

Thanks to Nick

"Tyler the Creator: Visionary Rapper or Obnoxious Teenager" by Nitsuh Abebe - NYMag.com

Finally, someone sheds a little light on Tyler the Creator, the skater-punk, cartoonishly violent, mack-truck-voiced, charismatic leader of LA rap group/everything else Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. If you haven't heard this kid spit yet go to youtube and search for his song "Yonkers." The rapping is as good as any new rapper out there, sick flow, haunting voice, and lyrics reminiscent of a young Eminem. Oh, and the video will uh, stick with you.

Take a good long look at this kid, he's the future of hip hop.


Monday, May 9, 2011

"An Army of One" by Chris Heath - GQ.com

Remember Gary Faulkner? No? Name doesn't ring a bell? Well how about that crazy long-haired dude who went to Pakistan with a sword and a bible looking to kill Bin Laden. Oh yeah, him. GQ profiled him well, here. To say this guy is an odd bird is like saying Ndamukong Suh is a stout fellow.


"Gym Rat Control" by Luke O'Neil - Slate.com

So this gym Planet Fitness is outlawing meatheads in their gym? I don't get it. No heavy weights, alarms go off when people grunt too loudly, candy at the front desk. Allow me to clear my throat and ask. What. The. Fuck? They should just call it Planet Weak Coward and get it over with. I mean, what is this shit? Seriously? I want to know. Oh right, that's why I read the article.


p.s. I had no idea the "I pick things up and I put them down" line was from commercials for this gym. My buddy chuck has been playing me the fuck out it seems. Hey Chuck, you're fat bro. Let's go camping.

"Paper Tigers" by Wesley Yang - NYMag.com

Wesley Yang really, really hates being Asian. Being Asian is just not his bag. Too bad he's Asian. This guy is a self loather like you read about in the papers, but he writes an insightful feature on race and America, from an angle not often heard.

Also, this:

"Let me summarize my feelings toward Asian values: Fuck filial piety. Fuck grade-grubbing. Fuck Ivy League mania. Fuck deference to authority. Fuck humility and hard work. Fuck harmonious relations. Fuck sacrificing for the future. Fuck earnest, striving middle-class servility."


"Is 50 Cent a White Collar Criminal" by Foster Kamer - Esquire.com

So 50 Cent, businessman extraordinaire*, recently tweeted something positive about a company he has stock in. He has about a gajillion twitter followers, and thus the stock of the company shot up, only to quickly come crashing down. The SEC isn't sure if this constitutes a pump-and-dump crime for many reasons, one of which being that it isn't clear if 50 made money off the tweet. Anyway, welcome to the age of information, where 50 Cent is basically rewriting the rules on social media and white collar crime--I wonder if he has an MBA?


*I want that statement to be sarcastic so badly, but a 100 million dollar stake in Vitamin Water says otherwise.

"Here Be Monsters" by Michael Finkel - GQ.com

Three teenage boys got lost on the Pacific Ocean in a dinghy for 47 days. They surivived, but only after being pushed to the brink by the elements, each other, and themselves.


"Tina Fey is Hot, So Why Won't She Admit It?" by Eryn Green - Esquire.com

I like 30 Rock. It's not on the same level as Always Sunny In Philadelphia or The League or The Office, but its still pretty good. A Notch or two above Modern Family I'd say. But yeah, I'd have to agree with Eryn Green's premise. Tina Fey is pretty hot, and 30 Rock is basically her trying to make people believe that she's not. It's weird. Just the exact opposite of what 99% of people do everyday. Strange. Please Eryn Green, explain to us how come.


"Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary checks in this wonderful Monday morning for your reading pleasure. These guys that wrote in to Drew are particularly inept and unfortunate with women, particularly the guy who still has "dark, plainly visible scars six years later." Ouch.


Thursday, May 5, 2011

"What Would A 16-Man NBA One-On-One Tournament Look Like?" by Drew magary and Tommy Craggs - Deadspin.com

AAGGHHHH. I just had a whole write up written about this and then the internet crashed and didn't save it. The internet sucks. It doesn't work right yet. Scientists need to get on that.

Anyway, this article is like fantasy land for basketball fans. Drew Magary and Tommy Craggs pick who would win a one on one tourney in the NBA. I don't follow the NBA that much, but from what I've seen, I feel like it has to be either Lebron, Kobe, Chris Paul, or Derrick Rose, with Durant knocking on people's doors and maybe even Melo sneaking in with his West Side Baltimore funk. I don't know. These guys feel like they might though.


p.s. If the link doesn't work just copy and paste it. Like I said, internet don't work right.

"Breeders Battle for Right to Claim Hero Navy SEAL Dog" by Alex Eichler - Theatlantic.com

This is a short hitter, but I couldn't resist because I love dogs. Breed aficionados are arguing over whether the dog that came this close to chewing bin Laden's nose off was a German Shepherd or a Belgian Malinois. Shepherd's are cool and all, but Malinois are badass. They look like slightly smaller, slightly pointer, wolfier Shepherds, and since they are not as popular, they have never really been bred to be family pets. Which all means, they will bite a bad guys face off, no questions asked. I got into an argument with a veterinarian once over which dog is the toughest in the world. In my mind, it's a no brainer, pit bull first, then a tosa inu, then the american bulldog, then probably an akita. He said the Malinois. And he went to school for that stuff like that for like 9 years or whatever vets do. He's still wrong though I think.


"Release the Dead Laden Photos" by Jack Shafer - Slate.com

Jack Shafer argues that the US should release the photos of bin Laden. I think I saw today that 80% of the publc would disagree with him. Makes sense, I see no reason to release them. Could see some little terrorist in training in Egypt or somewhere pinning them on his wall like I used to have Michael Jordan and Will Clark posters up in my room when I was little. Shafer argues that not releasing them because they endanger troops in Iraq and Afghanistan opens up an enormous loophole for the government to squash news, but I don't know if it really holds water in this case. Finding out bin Laden got capped is news, seeing his head blown apart in hi-res detail, not so much. This piece is an interesting counter argument to the prevailing feeling though.


"Connecting the Dots: The Paradoxes of Intelligence Reform" by Malcolm Gladwell - Newyorker.com

Malcolm Gladwell turns the military intelligence world on its head as only he can do, trying to figure out a more effective way for the CIA and similar organizations to identify terroristic patterns and stop them before they culminate in disaster.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"NBA Playoffs are Wired: Part 2" by Bill Simmons - ESPN.com


Relax D, he's on Friday Night Lights crushing that cute black chick with the big smile and the freckles. Things turned out alright.

If anything in those first few sentences made sense to you you are going to love Part 2 of Bill Simmons' Wire quotes describing the NBA playoffs. B'lee dat.


"What Really Killed Osama bin Laden" by Tom Junod - Esquire.com

Not gonna lie I don't really agree with much of what Junod has to say here. But he raises some damn interesting questions. Like, I guarantee you read this article about bin Laden being executed, and the violent power of religion, and the similarities between the US and terrorism, and the entire time you're thinking in your head "no way man, that's wrong, that's bullshit." And then later in the day it'll dawn on you that, holy shit, he might have been a little right. That's what we here at Poopreads call provocative.


"Good Spots: An Interview with Ben Westhoff, Author of'New York City's Best Dive Bars''' - by Ross Scarano - Complex.com

I love dive bars. Mars Bar (which gets big-upped in this article) I think sucks--mostly because last time I was there some dude was tripping balls and started to hop the bar and the (female) bouncer pulled a butcher knife on him--no thanks, that's not my scene. But other than that, dive bars in New York City are ok by me. Jimmy's Corner? Found out one of my dearest friends prefers the company of men there. Milano's? Once went there on halloween dressed as a hipster and got asked twice(!) why I wasn't wearing a costume. Blarney Cove? I've had a beer there. None of you can say that. And the first/last time I went into Rudy's I got into a heated argument with an ex-Marine/burgeoning playwright because he farted awfully in a crowded bar. Not cool.

This is all to say, I feel this dude Ben Westhoff. He has drunk in some shitty places.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

"NBA Playoffs are Wired" by Bill Simmons - ESPN.com

This is why I still love Bill Simmons. First of all, he invented the sports and pop culture writing niche thats so prevalent these days. He's the Godfather. So there'e that. But also, this column is just so original. He takes the 60 best quotes from The Wire (the greatest television show of all time, bar none) and uses them to describe the NBA playoffs. That's a great column idea. And for any Wire fans out there, you are going to absolutely love revisiting these quotes.

It's a two-parter, so check back for part 2 tomorrow.

"Days of Wine and Poseurs" by Alan Richman - GQ.com

Alan Richman is GQ's wine and food guy. Dude knows his stuff. He competed in the Best Sommelier in America contest this year. Sounds like an awesome crowd to party with (eyes widened, slowly shaking head).

Anyway, this guy knows earthy from musty and oaky from smoky and he writes a good piece. He's also got a wild-ass smile. Ffffaaaaak. Look at that thing. He looks like the mad Toad King of magic mushroom land.

"Former Pro Athletes Look to Wall Street for Real Riches" by Daniel Edward Rosen - www.fins.com

Apparently actual athletes, like Penn State's 1986 national champion QB Joh Shaffer, work in finance? I always thought it was a bunch of ex-sweet, now fat, lax bros running around the trading floors in whale pants and talking about how much tang their bro'd out share house in Fire Island was gonna get them this summer. Guess I was wrong?

"Deadspin Funbag: Special Bin Laden Edition" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

The Deadspin Funbag and bin Laden together? I told you I read my stats! I know what Poopreaders want! And that's random bros writing in to Drew Magary to try and make sense of the biggest terrorist in the world getting his eyeballs shot out while using his wife as a human shield. AMERICA!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!! ( And no, I don't feel bad for Bin Laden's wife, you commie--pretty sure she wouldn't have had a whole lot of compassion for the victims of 9/11, so her and her dead body can go kick rocks for all I care.)

Excuse me I got carried away.

What do people think about Rashard Mendenhall's tweets about Bin Laden and "not hearing his side of the story"? There's of course the knee jerk reaction that "what an idiot that fat idiot is and does he hate America and doesn't he know thousands of people died?" and that's valid. But I think Rashard is a victim of his own brain and heart. He's got a big heart, anyone who watches him play knows that. And he seems like he's probably a devout Christian. And I would guess that at some point in his life either he or people he is close with got into some serious trouble and got railroaded by the system for one reason or another. So I think Mendenhall's statements at least show that he is capable of compassion--possibly too a fault--and some fairly intellectual introspection. So I'll say this, it wasn't that Rashard Mendenhall wasn't thinking when he tweeted those comments, it's that he wasn't thinking hard enough.

Anyway, Funbag, have at:

Monday, May 2, 2011

"Death of a Madman" by Christopher Hitchens - Slate.com

What a great day to be an American. I am so happy some SEAL slopped bin Laden's evil brain all over his shithole mansion. It just kind of makes thing right in my brain. Feels kind of good. Which is kind of fucked up to say, but it's the truth. Who isn't happy this dude got smoked? Because you gotta hand it to him, he was smart, he was charismatic, he was wealthy, tough, and incredibly connected. None of which will save him from getting eternally buttraped by Satan in his own special circle of Hell.

Today is Bin Laden's Dead and I Feel Great day at Poopreads. Read these articles while you eat a goddam cheeseburger and remember why you're ancestors came to this country in the first place. Because it's the best.


p.s. Christopher Hitchens lays out the possibilities for Bin Laden's legacy in this piece. Hitchens is always good.

"The Secret Team That Killed Bin Laden" by Marc Ambinder - Nationaljournal.com

The National Journal wrote the best article on the web today about the U.S. Navy SEAL team that killed Bin Laden. Dudes are total badasses. Seal Team Six. They don't even officially exist. They report straight to Obama and he's like "go cap this bitch in thus and such country. he's bad." and they're all "Yes, sir!" It's awesome.

They are specially picked from the very best of SEALs, which if you've read anything about what those guys do, not only as SEALs, but just to become part of that group, is wildly impressive. And then, and then! There's a 50% attrition rate during training for SEAL Team Six. I can't even fathom that. You'll love this article.


p.s. If you want to learn more about Navy SEALs read Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell.

p.p.s. Who gets more butt, a circa 2004 Clooney or the cat who put a double tap in Bin Laden's melon?

"Notes on the Death of Osama Bin Laden" by Steve Coll - Newyorker.com

The New Yorker lays out exactly what happened when we split Bin Laden's wig in an insightful but easily digestible article with tidbits explaining exactly what happened, who did it, how, and what it means. If your head is kind of spinning over all the information that has come in on the Bin Laden death, this is the article for you.


"How ESPN Engineered Mark Ingram's Magic Moment" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

Deadspin outs ESPN for playing gotcha journalism with Mark Ingram's draft day moment (there's video within the link). If you haven't seen it, was truly a chill-inducing moment where Ingram, read an email from his imprisoned former-NFL player father by Suzy Kolber, broke down in tears on national TV. But while the emotion was real, the moment was cleverly crafted by Suzy Kolbs herself, that sly little cougar.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

"Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary serves up another "Great Moments ...". Dudes just getting dominated by booze and chicks and awkwardness. Not much more to say about that, but it is pretty funny. I know you guys love these articles. I check the stats. You guys love this stuff even more then you liked the Wikipedia entry for serial killers. Which was a lot.

Sick bastards.


'Dear Roger Goodell: This Is What A Typical NFL Career Looks Like" by Nate Jackson - Deadspin.com

I love these articles by Nate Jackson. Intelligently crafted and filled with razor sharp insights about life as a professional athlete. It really is some of the best sportswriting out there. With all due respect to Bill Simmons and Chris Jones and a bunch of other talented writers, Nate Jackson just has experience that can't be imagined by a non-athlete. Plus he uses the word "demagoguing". Dude must have rocked the Wonderlic.

Here he writes about why the NFL's claim that typical players' careers are longer than the 3.5 year statistic that is commonly quoted, is complete bullshit.


p.s. God I miss football season. If this was football season I'd be at Manny's right now crushing Bud Light buckets and sweating because I order unnecessarily hot wings. Instead it's early spring and I'm sitting here watching a rerun of Mob Wives and trying to figure out which one of these slobs is supposed to be the hot one. If there really is a lockout I'm going to start gambling on Pop Warner games like you read about on the blogs.

ESPN: Outside the Lines" by Paula Lavigne - ESPN.com

What's hot in the south Florida streets right now? Blowin' money fast on youth football games. Der. This investigative report claims that bets up to $20,000 are being made on Pop Warner games in the Sunshine State. One former player recounts running back a kickoff and being handed a hundred dollar bill in the end zone. There are point spreads. They got point spreads on little league football games. Who is the zero that sat there and figured out whether or not Lil Tommy Wanamaker was going to recover from the skinned knee he suffered falling off the jungle gym in time to play scatback for the Pompano Beach Panthers and how that affected the over/under? Who is that guy? How does that happen in real life?



"Kings Checkmated by Money, Luck" by Bill Simmons - ESPN.com

Bill Simmons finally cracks open his laptop again. I know, I know, he does radio shows with his nerd voice and he's got all these other things going on, but c'mon man! One column every three weeks? Dog. Pick it up.

Anyway, here he writes a column about why the Kings stink and what to do about it.