Just today I was in the gym wondering which piece of gym equipment I would use if it was the Middle Ages and I needed to pick a weapon. Interesting conundrum. Basically you just want something that is the heaviest thing you can handle deftly. Problem is, most of the things in the gym, the handles, the weights, etc. are pretty heavy no matter how strong you are, and you couldn't swing them effectively. You know what I was thinking about today? That little rope handle with the heavy rubber balls on the end of it you use for tricep pulldowns. Thing is like a blackjack. Good weight, easy to swing. Yeah it's not gonna help you if someone swings a 20 pound barbell at your melon, but without the extra weight in your hands, it will be easier to duck.
You might think I sound like a sociopath but I guarantee you 10-20% of Poopreaders have had this same exact thought play out in their heads.
p.s. Real talk Bone, you weakling.