"Is It Time for T?" by Craig Bowron - Slate.com

Those low testosterone commercials you see during football games and other manly TV events are kinda bullshit. Everybody gets old. You get weak and soft, you don't want to play sports anymore and your dick doesn't work so hot. That's why God invented whiskey. Just pour yourself a glass and enjoy the long slide down. You earned it, pal.*


http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2012/04/lowt_ads_is_testosterone_testing_important_.single.html

*If you don't feel like you earned it though maybe you should give yourself a shot of testosterone and try agin you little pussy.

"The Urban Survival Skills That Everyone Should Know" by Thorin Klosowski - Lifehacker.com

Poop Reads must read here guys, just because I like you. This article from Lifehacker has every conceivable urban emergency and how to survive it, complete with written directions and a lot of Youtube videos. It's pretty long, I haven't even made my way through it yet, but I am going to finish it. Because I don't want to die in a fire, or get killed by a mugger, or drown in a tsunami, or get eaten by a crackhead. These are real things. These are things that happen. You best protect ya neck.

http://lifehacker.com/5889600/macgyver-survivalist-or-stockpiler-the-urban-survival-skills-everyone-needs-to-know

"If You Feel OK, Maybe You Are OK" by H. Gilbert Welch - NYTimes.com

You're not fucking sick. You're not lactose intolerant, you just fart a lot. You don't have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you're just tired like everyone else in the world is. And you're not allergic to gluten, you're just a pain in the ass who wants other people to plan their meals around you.

That's basically the gist of the article. People need to stop worrying about their health. It all probably evens out, between the stress you put on your heart by worrying about that freckle on your shoulder, and the chances it's actually a deadly cancer. Mathematicaly speaking, you're still probably gonna live til you're 87. So pour yourself a drink and shut the fuck up.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/28/opinion/overdiagnosis-as-a-flaw-in-health-care.html?_r=1&hp

P.S. I have a buddy who hasn't been to the doctor for a check up in years. He just gives blood every now and again, and figures if he has AIDS or something they'll test it and tell him. It's genius. Kid saves money on doctors like a motherfucker. That's the kind of ingenuity America was built upon.

P.P.S. Yes Kyle, it is Chuck.

"Win a Championship, Lose a Knee" by Stefan Fatsis - Deadspin.com

Dudes saw Jake Ballard drop like a writhing ton of bricks on the sideline during the Super Bowl right? Torn ACL, and a long road back to healthiness. This guy Fatsis* presupposes that maybe he partially injured his knee on the play, and that the doctors on the sideline let him run away to see if he could go back in, and that's where he really injured himself. Pretty fucked up if so. Here's to you Jake, feel better.

http://deadspin.com/5883428/win-a-championship-lose-a-knee

*Toughest last name for a chick, ever?

"How to Survive a Concussion in an MMA Fight" by Matthew Polly - Deadspin.com

The internet came half short and twice strong today. Only two articles I saw worth your time, but both really solid ones you should read.

This one is by Matthew Polly, a dude who once wrote a book about training Kung-Fu for two years while living with the Shaolin Monks. This is about how not to be a punk about your shit in a fight. If you get punched so hard you time warp 30 seconds into the future, just keep going. Brain damage usually doesn't set in for yyeeaarrsss.

http://deadspin.com/5880477/how-to-survive-a-concussion-in-an-mma-fight

"Why the Giants Targeted a Player Prone to Concussions" by Barry Petchesky - Deadspin.com

I guess we're all supposed to act surprised here that the Giants knew Kyle Williams had a concussion history and went after him, I suppose trying to concuss him. Really? We're supposed to be surprised? Why come? That's football 101. Not even. That's contact sport 101. In boxing, if the guy's eye is cut, you punch the shit out of it. In karate, if the dude's got a trick knee, you sweep that fucking leg. In football, if Kyle Williams brain doesn't work right you hit him right in his domepiece so hard he doesn't realize a key punt just bounced right off his jelly legs. It's really pretty simple.

Also, why is Deadspin even talking about this? I thought by this point everybody involved with the NFL, coaches, players, fans, brass, were in tacit agreement that yes the players are killing each other slowly on the field, and even if it's not right, it's still OK.

http://deadspin.com/5878686/why-the-giants-targeted-a-player-prone-to-concussions

"A family learns the true meaning of the vow ‘in sickness and in health’" by Susan Baer - WashingtonPost.com

God DAMN this is a sad article. But also oddly uplifting too. This guy was a serious, respected journalist, probably capable of Poop Reads-worthy prose and then BAM! one day he had a heart attack at age 46 and became severely brain damaged. Is that a thing? I didn't even know heart attacks could cause brain damage? I thought that was strokes. Now I gotta worry about heart attacks too? I thought they either killed you or you kept on living and had to cut back on red meat and cigarettes or whatever. This is a whole new ballgame. My cholesterol is high as shit.

Anyway this guy's wife stuck with him. She sounds awesome. Moral of the story: A good woman, if you find one, hang on tight. They're a precious commodity.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/a-family-learns-the-true-meaning-of-the-vow-in-sickness-and-in-health/2011/11/04/gIQAahyAdP_story.html

thanks Alyssa

"Rinderpest, Scourge of Cattle, Is Vanquished" by Donald G. McNeil Jr.

Welp, y'all can breathe easy now. They finally got rid of Rinderpest, the deadly cattle disease. Not even joking this is kind of a big deal. Last time they eradicated a disease it was smallpox, and that was in like, christ? The fifties? This is only the second one they've ever done completely away with. And though it only effects cattle, think about that. Really. A disease that can kill 95% of cloven-hoofed herds can have an enormous effect on herding and farming populations who depend on them for milk and meat (not to mention us, enjoying our porterhouse and schlag at Luger's). And apparently this disease has literally changed the course of history. Helping Genghis Khan and hindering Alexander in their quests for world domination. And now it's gone.

Weird shit to think about I know, but give it a shot. It's cool.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/28/health/28rinderpest.html?_r=2&src=dayp

"Lift Weights and Run Races but Never Slide into First" by RealAnonymous - Barstoolsports.com

First things first. After Barstool U--which makes my Mac do the pinwheel thing--and Manzo and Jerry Thornton, who need to find other jobs, Barstool Philly is the bastard child of the Barstool empire. El Pres and KFC kill it on a daily basis, and then you got Philly coming in with dumb, unfunny blogs that often seem passive aggressively racist against white people. It's just a weird set up.

That being said, this long article from RealAnonymous on the site was funny and true. Working out is good for you, but sliding into first will fuck you up for real. You're not a kid anymore.

http://philly.barstoolsports.com/around-barstool/lift-weights-and-run-races-but-never-slide-into-first/

"Do Prisoners Really Spend All Their Time Lifting Weights" by Brian Palmer - Slate.com

A valid question if there ever was one. I always assumed that they couldn't give prisoners free weights because they'd smash each other over the head with them. Like in that one episode in Oz when the dude is benching and Pencamo walks over and strangles him with the barbell. Rugged.

Just today I was in the gym wondering which piece of gym equipment I would use if it was the Middle Ages and I needed to pick a weapon. Interesting conundrum. Basically you just want something that is the heaviest thing you can handle deftly. Problem is, most of the things in the gym, the handles, the weights, etc. are pretty heavy no matter how strong you are, and you couldn't swing them effectively. You know what I was thinking about today? That little rope handle with the heavy rubber balls on the end of it you use for tricep pulldowns. Thing is like a blackjack. Good weight, easy to swing. Yeah it's not gonna help you if someone swings a 20 pound barbell at your melon, but without the extra weight in your hands, it will be easier to duck.

You might think I sound like a sociopath but I guarantee you 10-20% of Poopreaders have had this same exact thought play out in their heads.

http://www.slate.com/id/2295417/

p.s. Real talk Bone, you weakling.

"Dead Wrestler of the Week: Macho Man Randy Savage" by The Masked Man - Deadspin.com

Macho Man Randy Savage died last week after he had a heart attack while driving his car. Sounds like he snapped into one too many Slim Jims,* also steroids. Deadspin does a nice little memorial for him here.

But how about this. Who were the four biggest wrestlers ever? You could make a case that they were Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and the Ultimate Warrior. Three of those dudes are dead. (I'm pretty sure Ultimate Warrior is dead at least. Didn't he die twice or some bullshit? I don't know, in my mind, he's dead. He's dead right?) Whatever dude, my point is, if I'm the Hulkster I'm not buying any green bananas.

http://deadspin.com/5804679/dead-wrestler-of-the-week-macho-man-randy-savage

*ganked that line from my man Bert. Pantheon email, Bert.

"The Diet That Shook Up Tennis" by Tom Perrotta - WSJ.com

I'm kind of in that boat that thinks gluten-free diet is sorta bullshit for most people. Like if you really have celiac disease, that sucks, and by all means, don't eat that bread or drink that beer. But otherwise it's just kind of a nuisance to the other people who have to eat with you and put up with your imaginary dietary restrictions. That's poor form.

Anyway, Novak Djokivic went gluten-free and it helped his game apparently. So call me a jerk if you want. I still don't believe in gluten free anything. And Nadal is about 11x cooler anyway. Pretty sure that dude snorts gluten. Doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would turn any substance away.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703509104576327624238594818.html

"Do I Have Knees?" by Brian Mockenhaupt - The Atlantic.com

Brian Mockenhaupt is a former U.S. infantryman who is now a pretty accomplished writer. He's always got unique angles on things, mostly because of his unique experience. Here he writes a haunting piece on a front line hospital in Afghanistan. Buckle up.

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/04/at-frontline-hospital-afghan-wars-toll-is-deeply-felt/237787/

"A Quintessential Night in an American Hospital" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Deadspin drunken poet in residence directs his cutting insight at the American medical system. Also takes a swipe at Korey Stringer, which is kind of messed up.

http://deadspin.com/#!5792094/a-quintessential-night-in-an-american-hospital

"The Sleepless Elite" by Melinda Beck -WSJ.com

So apparently there's a bunch of assholes out there who only need like 3 hours of sleep a night and don't drink coffee or anything. They're just naturally rightinyourfacerightnowandidon'tneedanysleeptodoitbitch!!!!!

Never heard of a better reason for rufies in my life. And I'm not advocating rape, I'm advocating finding one of these jerkbags and making them involuntarily unconscious from time to time like the rest of us.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703712504576242701752957910.html?KEYWORDS=sleep

"The World's Healthiest 75 Year Old Man" by Susan Casey - Esquire.com

I read this piece a few years back and it really stuck with me. Made me feel like a pussy actually. This 75 year old dude in California runs a fitness boot camp that would make Chuck Norris cry. Bad ass. He trains the likes of big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton and actor John C. McGinley.

Weird career for that McGinley fella huh? Bursts onto the scene as one of Oliver Stone's favorite young actors in movies like Platoon and Wall Street, then disappears. Then he shows up like a decade and a half later as the dickhead boss on Scrubs. Crazy world. Crazy times.

http://www.esquire.com/features/don-wildman-0508

"The Man Who Wouldn't Die" by Michael Paterniti - GQ

This is a profile of former Greco-Roman wrestler turned The Biggest Loser contestant Rulon Gardner. Dude's hard to kill:

"Olympic hero Rulon Gardner has fallen off trucks, tumbled off tractors, and gotten stuck in a baler. He has been impaled on an arrow, broken his neck, and gashed his knee clean to the bone. He has survived several catastrophic high-speed accidents, endured a frostbitten night in subzero temperatures, and most recently, swam away (barely) from a plane crash in Lake Powell. In between, he pulled off one of the great upsets in sports history and became an American legend. Meet Rulon Gardner, the luckiest man on earth."

http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/200708/rulon-gardner-olympic-wrestler?printable=true