Welcome to Poop Reads, a hand-picked collection of the best writing on the web. Where you read us, and what you're doing there, is your own business.

Monday, October 31, 2011

"The Mobster Who Brought Down the Mob" by Kevin Gray - MensJournal.com

The internet is kind of laying down on the job lately. This is the best I sniffed out today, an article from Men's Journal on some Staten Island mick who basically fucked over the entire Colombo mob family. Not gonna lie, I don't understand how Italians compete still in the world of crime. Makes no sense to me. Like 11 times out of 10 a black dude is tougher than an Italian, and the same goes for those crazy Albanian and Ukrainian cats. And the Mexicans, forget it, they'll slice you nose to dick and leave you in the street on their way to lunch. I just don't know how Vinny, Mikey, and Tony can compete in today's sophisticated organized-crime environment. Maybe that's why they had an Irish guy so high up in the ranks that he could take them all down?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

"Beavis, Butthead, and Me" by David Giffels - Grantland.com

My bad Poop Readers, been down in Lauderdale for the last couple days and haven't had a chance to post. The silver lining of that cloud should be that when I come back on Sunday there should be a shitload of awesome articles on the internet for me to post, right? Wrong. Internet took a goddam bellyflop while I was gallivanting around southern Florida (barefoot, in a fucking monsoon no less, but that's a story for another day).

Anyway, I read this article on Beavis and Butthead while I was soaking wet at a bar waiting for a piece of mahi mahi (not a code word, actual dinner) and I really liked it. Enough that I texted it out to a few guys immediately. But to be honest, I was drunk and I don't fully recall what it's about. Beavis and Butthead's place in pop cultural history I think. It's actually a pretty smart piece. I think.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"How to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You" - Lifehacker.com

An entire article on how tell if someone is bullshitting you or not. I feel bad even posting this. Like I know some of you out there are total scummers getting away with lying about every single thing under the sun. And here I am outing you. But it's for the best. It is.

And by the way the best way to lie is to convince yourself what you're saying is true. If you believe it, it's not technically lying, and your body signals won't betray you. Then you don't have to worry about anything in this article. You're welcome.

Solve problems: That's what we do here at Poop Reads. Really. That's actually what we do. That's the whole point.

"The Real Rocky" by Michael Weinreb - Grantland.com

Rocky was a real person and his name is Chuck Wepner. A big tough white dude who went 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali. Oh shocker he's from Jersey. All the best* ones are.

*Dumb, ugly, tough, disproportionately charming ones, I mean.

"I Can't Think of Anything More Stupid than Apple Picking" by KFC - BarstoolNYC.com

KFC from Barstool getting in on it. Funniest guy on the internet for my money. This one's a quick hitter but it's a pretty dead-on character read of the kind of people who go apple picking and post the pictures on Facebook. You know those people. You hate them too.

Only thing I would have changed about this is that it should have been pumpkin picking, since it's the week before Halloween. Same shit, different plant. Right this very instant someone you don't really like is posting pictures of their impossibly skinny, joyous selves frolicking in some dumb pumpkin patch somewhere upstate in a naked attempt to make you think they are better than you. Don't worry Poop Readers; they're not. They're just branding themselves on Facebook because they thrive on the perceived envy and approval of strangers. And that makes them insecure losers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

"Why I Don't Like Coldplay? An Investigation" by Sasha Frere-Jones - NewYorker.com

I've mentioned my long-held distaste for Coldplay before.* Outside of "Clocks," which was a good song, I find them trite, bland, and yeah, twee. It's music for people who don't actually like music. But I'll stop writing here because Sasha Frere-Jones nailed them awesomely in this article, explaining why he doesn't like them. Two choice quotes:

"[Chris] Martin rarely walks when he has the option to skip."


"The tunes are there, usually three to an album, but that is something you could say of even their weakest contemporaries, like Maroon 5. What puts them up into some higher level of accessibility must be an averaging of Martin’s guarantee to never shock or offend anyone—which parents value—and the toy soldier brand of pageantry and celebration that underpins so many songs. Coldplay keep throwing massive parades for themselves, without explanation or merit. Some folks just love confetti."

Maroon 5, you guys. Maroon. 5.


*that link next to the asterisk might be the best blog I've ever written. Even better than the one that got quoted in full by New York Magazine. NBD.

"How Do You Spell Gaddaffi? The Linguistics Behind Libya's Leader" by Zoe Fox - Time.com

Qaddafi. Gadaffi. Qhaththaffi. Whatever, I spell it D-E-D. And his face looked like a jack o'lantern that got put on the stoop on mischief night. Game, set, match, democracy?


P.S. Zoe Fox has to be hot right? That's not a name for an ugly chick.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

"Goodbye, Mr. Big" by Jay McNierney - NYMag.com

This article by 1980's hotshot writer Jay McInerney is great. It's a profile of the real-life Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Dude was a stud. But also not a stud. A half-Jewish half-Italian kid from Peekskill who barged into the big-time NYC magazine publishing game and charmed the pants off of everyone. Literally.

Then at the peak of his career he took off and moved to a farm in Vermont, which, for my money, is fucking awesome. Dude probably had pet goats. I want pet goats. All sure-footed and capable of producing alternative dairy products. SOMEBODY GET ME A GOAT!

"How Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed Changed NFL Defenses" by Chris Brown - Grantland.com

Grantland has been absolutely killing it lately, and I completely realize they have been dominating this site. But what do you want me to do? Esquire and GQ update features monthly, the Times has not been bringing the fire lately, the New Yorker and Slate are only occasionally in the Poop Reads wheelhouse, and Vanity Fair thinks it's 1966. The internet has left me at a loss.

That being said, this article about Troy Polamalu and Ed Reed and the ever-evolving structure of NFL defenses is completely and totally fascinating to any football nut. I'm really impressed that someone that knows this much about football can write this well about it. I learned a lot from this article. You will too.

"Real Stories: Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko" by Davy Rotbart - Grantland.com

I'm a very casual fan of boxing. I'll watch Pacquiao and Mayweather fights and that's about it. And I have no idea what to make of eastern European boxers. Like, yes, you are technically proficient and you grew up behind the iron curtain being trained on the use of hand grenades and Kabar knives. So you are tough, and probably a very good boxer.

But you are also white. And if there's one thing I know from being a casual boxing observer, it's this: Always bet on the black guy. I just can't wrap my nuts around a legitimate white heavyweight champion. I'm sorry, I can't. No offense to Vitali and Wladimir, but LaTavian from Philly and Leon from Oakland will fuck your shit up in a heartbeat, and no one with a brain thinks any different.

Weird, wweeeiirrdd interview with these two though:

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Poop Reads Is Doing It Big!

Yo guys, not a huge deal, but feel free to say you read me when. A recent post I wrote on an NYMag.com article about David Foster Wallace got printed pretty much in full in New York Magazine's latest issue. Right next to Salman Rushdie's quote on the same topic. (You know Salman Rushdie, he's one of the most respected authors of our time and is so esteemed that he married Padma Lakshmi even though he uh, well he ain't exactly snapping up modeling gigs.) And my quote got bold type and got more lines than Rushdie's did. So there.

No idea how they found me. I assume all the editor's at NYMag are just sitting around all day loving the stuff I post here wondering "Who is this masked man? This Poop Reads guy is a genius!" Can't convince me otherwise. Here's the article about Poop Reads.

"McDonald's International Menu" by Elizabeth Gunnison - Esquire.com

I've shat on Esquire's "Eat Like a Man" blogger, Elizabeth Gunnison--I repeat: "Eat Like a Man" blogger, Elizabeth Gunnison--before. But I actually really enjoyed this quick hitter. A round up of the best things McDonalds around the world serve.

In short: That German brat sando looks truthful. I had no idea the Dutch were so ill of health. And the Philippines needs to clean that shit up. Spaghetti and hot dogs with a chicken drumstick as an optional side? I'm not gonna say it's gross because it doesn't sound like a bad meal to snort drunk. But honestly Philippines, act like you've been there before.

"USC vs. Notre Dame, and 7 Other Unlikely National Championship Contenders" by John Brandon - Grantland.com

John Brandon is an excellent writer if you haven't read him. He's a well respected novelist who is writing a weekly college football column for Grantland. Here he projects some possible National Championship match-ups that don't include LSU, Alabama, or Oklahoma. Not gonna happen John, but I like that you're thinking creatively.

My question is: Where Rutgers at?! We're a sneaky 5-1 and have Mohamed Sanu running around grabbing like 15 receptions and 2 TDs per game. Guy's a monster. Plus we got Chas Dodd scrambling all over the joint like the second coming of Fran Tarkenton back there at QB, already a cagey veteran as a true sophomore. Dude played in the same backfield as Marcus Lattimore in high school, which is frightening. We're one win against West Virginia at home away from being Big East champs and heading to the BCS mah'fucky! Yes we would lose 119-5 to somebody like LSU, but we'd be there, and if there's one thing I learned from getting my ass handed to me for 4 years playing high school football on the 5th worst team in New Jersey, it's this: sometimes being there is all that matters.

"Six Ways to Fix Jersey Shore" by David Jacoby - Grantland.com

Not gonna lie, I used to really enjoy Jersey Shore. The hair gel, the fist pumping, the bolt-on titties ... it really took me back to my youth in New Jersey, where I laid claim to the palest-kid-in-town title. But now it's just flat-out grating. I usually use the time my girlfriend takes to watch it by concentrating really, really hard and writing this blog. For impactful trashiness, Garden State-bile, and sheer stupidity, I go Jersey Housewives all the way. Plus Melissa Gorga is hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls combined, mmm, maybe except for J-Wow, jury's still out there.

Anyway, this dude David Jacoby for Grantland wrote six ways to make the show better. Which is five things too many. Because really all they have to do is revamp the damn cast. Let Paulie D have his spin off because that guy rules. Everybody else can hit the bricks, except maybe J-Wow, because again the jury's out on her. Get new meatheads in the house, trust me, there is no shortage. And get new chicks. Hot chicks. For the love of God! Hot chicks! I still don't know how they screwed that up. They had the entire guidette population of the world at their hands--a group of women whose only goal in life is to be hot--and they somehow ended up with two warthogs, the shrillest girl in the world, and a walking, talking sex doll. Poor casting. Jersey Shore needs a do over.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Physically Unable to Perform: Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh's Secret Meeting" - GQ.com

These two dudes shouting at each other is a really funny re-enactment of Harbaugh and Schwartz's panty-snapping fight the other day.


"Last of the Blue-Water Hunters" by Daniel Duane - MensJournal.com

This shit is badass. This dude drives his boat out like 60 miles into great white shark-infested waters and hops overboard with a spear gun and shoots the shit out of giant tuna. He once shot a 398 pound tuna in the eyeball in a patch of water where his boy had been eaten a week before. That's fucking nuts dude. As much as I want to do this, I do not want to do this at all. Read this if you want to know what men who have balls do.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"The Silent Season of a Hero" by Gay Talese - Grantland via Esquire

I'm not 1,000% sure what happened here. Grantland took an Esquire piece from 1966 written by the great Gay Talese about the also great Joe DiMaggio and published an annotated version of it? I dunno, they basically just wrote an introductory paragraph. Not sure how this happened. Either way, it's considered one of the greatest pieces of sports journalism of all time, and it's definitely worth your time.

Monday, October 17, 2011

"Van Gogh's Ear" by Adam Gopnik - Newyorker.com

This article from the New Yorker about an alternate theory of how van Gogh lost his ear (Gauguin cut off it off with his self-defense sword. Really.) Is remarkably well written. Check this out.

"If Trollope, as someone said, demonstrates that sanity need not be philistine, van Gogh demonstrates that insanity need not be insular. The stripping away of conventional decorum that van Gogh’s illness forced on him made him almost unnaturally present, alert to the world; when his mind went wrong, he became all heart.""

Good shit there.


"Harbaugh vs. Schwartz: Coach Fight" by Hua Hsu - Grantland.com

Jim Harbaugh's a douche right? We can all agree on this? That being said this Schwartz character seems like a bit of a penis himself. Harbaugh's press conference was pretty hilarious. Understated sarcasm like they write about in text books. Bullying 101. Harbaugh would crush Schwartz physically and he beat him on the field and that means he's two for two. Read more here:

Sunday, October 16, 2011

"The Color of Blood" by Calvin Trillin - Newyorker.com

This story is kind of old but pretty wild, some black kid maybe kinda sorta threatened some guido dude's friend's little sister in an internet chatroom so the guidos rolled to the black dude's house and the black dude's father shot him in his gourd.

You follow that? Me neither.

"The Baddest Lawyer in the History of Jersey" by Mark Jacobson - NYMag.com

This dude Paul Bergrin was a badass. Rolling in a Bentley through Newark to represent Lil Kim and Hakeem Curry (look it up). Dudes rolling with prison tattoos that said "'No witness, No case' - Paul Bergrin". That's some goddam advertising. (Although maybe not if they got those tats in actual prison. I digress.)

Anyway, whatever, it looks like he actually killed a witness and got caught running a cocaine ring, and a prostitution ring. 120 pounds of coke in your car is a lot.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

"Why the NFL Needs Tim Tebow" by Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com

Watch as Jay Caspian Kang makes a compelling case for why Tim Tebow is a necessary entity, and also does an innuendo-filled tap dance around race. He basically wants to see smiley, flashy black Cam Newton go against God-fearing, virgin white Tim Tebow. But doesn't quite say it. Props I guess? I mean you thought it, you definitely thought it. You just didn't say it. Half a prop then.


Monday, October 10, 2011

"Monday Morning Quarterback" by Peter King - SI.com

Peter King's MMQB column. Here's how I feel about this column: Is it a little corny? Yes, definitely. Does it give you an excellent baseline upon which to build from when reading anything else about the NFL that week? Also yes, definitely. Have at.

"The Solo Cup" by Seth Stevenson - Slate.com

Solo cups are pretty fucking awesome huh? So iconic. If you're drinking out of those red cups you are having fun. Straight fact. I played flip cup for the first time in years down in Baton Rouge recently and it was one of the more fun times I've had in 2011. Granted I was fire flames and flipped like 18 times total in 15 rounds and anchored my team like I was Michael Phelps but I'm not bragging. Solo cups rule. Suck it.

Here's a history of them.

"Just Kids" by Evan Hughes - Nymag.com

An article in NYMag about how all these hot shot writers were friends when they were young and poor in Brooklyn in the 90s. Like a Brat Pack for hipsters I guess? I don't know it sounds like they were all just dominated by David Foster Wallace the way Calvin Johnson is dominating every d-back in the NFL right now. Just nothing you can do. One guy is 6'5", runs a 4.3 forty and has a 45" vertical, the other guy was a visionary philosopher who knew more about grammar than Jesus. Nothing mere mortals can do but eat it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Apple's Visionary Redefined a Digital Age" by John Markoff - NYTimes.com

Steve Jobs' obit is incredible.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Interview with Omar from The Wire by Mark Anthony Green - GQ.com

Omar's real name is Michael K. Williams but you ain't even know that, so I changed the title of the article in the title of the blog. Deal.

Omar was an unfairly cool and likeable TV character. One of the best ever. Now Williams is playing another likeable thug in Boardwalk Empire. He gets asked if he's worried about being typecast from here on out. Great answer. Basically he's like "shit nah, I'm tryin' to eat." Fair enough Omar. A man's gotta have a code.

"Deadspin Funbag" by Drew Magary - Deadspin.com

Drew Magary farts out another funbag USING ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS HIMSELF because he's not a very good writer. But I check my stats. I know my poop readers. You guys love these things so I'll keep posting them.

Seriously though these things are such hack Sportsguy mailbags it's absurd. It's just that the answers are never really that creative or funny. Good questions usually though.

But best hypothetical question of the day I read on a blog was over at Barstool NYC. Would you spend 4 years in prison if it meant you would get $20 million in books deals and shit when you get out a la Amanda Knox. Now I know some of you guys are finance dudes and are probably weighing this in your heads like "well if this shop blah blah blahs, and Trevor's deal goes through, blase blase blase, $20 million isn't that much." But I am not that guy. I write a blog called Poop Reads and work a real job that pays me with fairy farts and pieces of colored chalk. I would give up ages 30-34 in a fucking heartbeat for $20 million. Real talk.

p.s. That's in Italian prison mind you. If it's Sing Sing or some bullshit, not to sound racist, but there is no way in hell I'm doing four years there. I wouldn't make it. America, fuck yeah?

Monday, October 3, 2011

"Nostalgia on Repeat" by Chuck Klosterman - Grantland.com

Klosterman investigates why we have nostalgia for songs and movies and the significance it holds. How does nostalgia hold up in the realm of art? Not at all? Or transcendentally well? Klosterman does most of the heavy lifting for you, but I guarantee you this article will make you think. And maybe reminisce.

"Cops Book Says Sean Combs, Suge Knight Ordered Tupac and Biggie Killings" by Chris Vogel and Simone Wilson - Laweekly.com

There's a new book coming out by a former L.A. cop who investigated Biggie's murder that apparently makes it pretty clear that Puffy ordered the hit on Tupac and Suge retaliated by ordering a hit on Biggie. Which, after all the smoke and mirrors and all these bullshit investigations they did into these murders, is pretty much what everybody thought from day one no? Glad we cleared that up 15 years after the fact. How come nobody ever got arrested though?