"Shut Your Mouth, Chris Christie" by Ron Rosenbaum - Slate.com

Chris Christie is big and fat and loud and Ron Rosenbaum thinks his fat Jersey guy schtick is getting old. I don't care where he's from, I just have no respect for fat people. Like this dude really sneaky wants me to vote for him at some point to be President of the United States? To make the biggest decisions in the world? And he can't decide to not eat that third gabagoul sandwich at lunch? When he's like what? 5'10" 320? Get the fuck outta here.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/the_spectator/2012/02/chris_christie_s_going_down_gaffe_the_whole_jersey_fat_guy_authenticity_thing_is_over_.html

P.S. If he runs for president he'll legit have a heart attack on the campaign trail. Not wishing it on him, just saying.

P.P.S. It was a complete guess, but 5'10 320 seems about right, no? Nailed it.

"Why the Cast of Jersey Shore Must Acknowledge Its Fame" by Patti Greco - NYMag.com

Let's get one thing straight up front. In the history of television. In the history of men, and I use that term liberally, I don't know that I have ever despised anyone more than Vinny Guadagnino. Dopey, big-dicked, balogna-skinned Vinny moping around Seaside Heights with his cunty haircut complaining about getting paid millions of dollars to get drunk and have sex with girls who he wouldn't even sniff if he wasn't on the show. Then (THEN!) he has the balls to look into the camera and say "I'm strong. I'm a fighter, but this is too much" and then walk off the show. Basically he was at great pains to not say "I want my mommy." Which is all his stupid "anxiety" problems are about. Hey Vin, your mom lives a half hour away and you're filming for a month. You're not strong, and you're not a "fighter." You are, in no uncertain terms, a gaping vagina.

At the time they filmed this show the US was fighting two different land wars in Asia, chock full of dudes Vinny's age who actually are fighters, who are 6,000 miles away from their moms and everyone else they know and love, who might get blown to smithereens at any second, and who don't get to drink and have sex with dimes for millions of dollars. Pretty sure every single one of those dudes would trade places with you in a heartbeat and be more entertaining to watch too, because you fucking suck. Get off Paulie D's nuts, loser. In conclusion, FUCK YOU VINNY. I don't even remember what this article is about. Can't stand that guy.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/why-the-cast-of-jersey-shore-must-acknowledge-its-fame.html

"Six Ways to Fix Jersey Shore" by David Jacoby - Grantland.com

Not gonna lie, I used to really enjoy Jersey Shore. The hair gel, the fist pumping, the bolt-on titties ... it really took me back to my youth in New Jersey, where I laid claim to the palest-kid-in-town title. But now it's just flat-out grating. I usually use the time my girlfriend takes to watch it by concentrating really, really hard and writing this blog. For impactful trashiness, Garden State-bile, and sheer stupidity, I go Jersey Housewives all the way. Plus Melissa Gorga is hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls combined, mmm, maybe except for J-Wow, jury's still out there.

Anyway, this dude David Jacoby for Grantland wrote six ways to make the show better. Which is five things too many. Because really all they have to do is revamp the damn cast. Let Paulie D have his spin off because that guy rules. Everybody else can hit the bricks, except maybe J-Wow, because again the jury's out on her. Get new meatheads in the house, trust me, there is no shortage. And get new chicks. Hot chicks. For the love of God! Hot chicks! I still don't know how they screwed that up. They had the entire guidette population of the world at their hands--a group of women whose only goal in life is to be hot--and they somehow ended up with two warthogs, the shrillest girl in the world, and a walking, talking sex doll. Poor casting. Jersey Shore needs a do over.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/35866/six-ways-to-fix-jersey-shore

"Jersey Shore: International Panty Raid" by Brian Moylan - Gawker.com

I don't have high hopes for Jersey Shore this season. I don't know how anyone could. If fucking ripped-ass Ronnie and stupid, fat, gross, stankface, Barney-Rubble feet Sam get back together I am done. DONE! Situation is just doing everything for affect at this point, J-Wow still looks good in my opinion but people are hating on her for being too thin (bullshit, she still has bombs), Vinny is a geek, Snooki looks like a poop personified, and I can't remember anyone else's name on the show.

Oh Paulie. Paulie's cool.

Anyway here is a good recap of ep numero uno in Firenze.

http://gawker.com/5828119/jersey-shore-international-panty-raid

Real Housewives of New Jersey: All I Want for Christmas is you by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

I've never actually watched this show but between the recaps and commercials I get the feeling that they're not portraying NJ in the best light. I don't know, I heard something about a Jersey Beach show or something too. I think its about young people who have to balance their social lives with professional careers while looking for love in the quaint vineyards and golf courses of Cape May? Hmm, who knows, maybe they'll get crabs. They're good with Old Bay.

http://gawker.com/5826553/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-all-i-want-for-christmas-is-you

"Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap" by Richard Lawson - Gawker.com

This dude is the second funniest dude writing on the internet behind El Pres and KFC over at Barstool. NJ Housewives is entertaining to me because I'm from a town in New Jersey where that show is not all that ironic. But I shit you not these recaps are hysterical, and I've been known to watch the show just so I can get the most out of the recap the next day.

I realize nobody watches this show except for me and possibly my boy Dan. So here you go Dan, you're own little Poop Reads moment of zen. You're welcome.

http://gawker.com/5822210/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-hells-bells