"[His] headboard ... consists of an aquarium that nearly reaches the ceiling, a square-shouldered arch filled with salt water, coral, fish, and a freakishly large sea anemone that looks an awful lot like a gaping vagina. "You gonna fool yourself, too?" Portis says. "I know what this looks like, but I got a woman down in Miami. We been together seven years"
Monday, April 4, 2011
"How A Young Man Lives" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com
I reached way back for this great Clinton Portis profile again by our friend Chris Jones. Clinton Portis is wacky. Love that guy. Don't care that he may or may not fuck sea anemones.
"Why Athletes Cheat" by Chris Jones - Esquire.com
I posted this older, shorter piece because of this nutzoid story that broke today about Steve Nash, his teammate Jason Richardson, and slutty, shameful Mrs. Nash. Steve Nash, get this, white Steve Nash had a pregnant wife, also caucasian, who brought a baby to full term last December. Aww, so cute. Problem was, the Nash's bundle of joy was born a small, black child. Whoopsie-dazie!
Turns out (allegedly) Jason Richardson, Nash's teammate, planted the seed. Nash filed for divorce the next day. Imagine that though? You're all excited to have a son and then bam! Black kid. I mean, that was the final joke in a goddam Naked Gun movie. That is preposterous. That doesn't happen in real life, let alone to two-time NBA MVPs.
Anyway, athletes cheat because they have tons of money and chicks constantly throw themselves at them in ways normal people can't even fathom. Here's Chris Jones' take.
"The World's Healthiest 75 Year Old Man" by Susan Casey - Esquire.com
I read this piece a few years back and it really stuck with me. Made me feel like a pussy actually. This 75 year old dude in California runs a fitness boot camp that would make Chuck Norris cry. Bad ass. He trains the likes of big-wave surfer Laird Hamilton and actor John C. McGinley.
Weird career for that McGinley fella huh? Bursts onto the scene as one of Oliver Stone's favorite young actors in movies like Platoon and Wall Street, then disappears. Then he shows up like a decade and a half later as the dickhead boss on Scrubs. Crazy world. Crazy times.
"NBA Power Poll: Part I" by Bill Simmons - ESPN.com
Well, well, well. Mr. Simmons. So nice of you you to show back up on the internet with a new article. It had been a while. These are sad times for the Sports Guy. This is a guy who, according to my research, basically invented a certain breed of humorous sports/culture writing that now dominates certain corners of the internet. I mean, he's the Godfather of this shit. But now he never writes. I know he's a "name" now and has other pots on the stove than his ESPN column. But I don't listen to podcasts goddamit. Come back Bill Simmons! Write more. I need you. Writing needs you! And most importantly, Poop Reads really needs you. Anyhoo, this is his NBA Power Poll. Enjoy.
"Bartender Wisdom" by Steve Ciccarelli - Esquire.com
Layney Lanes, bartender at Asbury Lanes (one of Springsteen's favorite watering holes) waxes philosophic on all things boozy.
"Monday Morning Quarterback" by Peter King - SI.com
Peter King's at it again. This time focusing on rocket-armed former Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett. He's got all the measurables, but he may be a tad, um, Roethlisbergian, for some teams to consider. And he's just one of a handful of top QB's in this draft class that teams don't know what to make of.
"The Stoner Arms Dealers" by Guy Lawson - Rollingstone.com
These two stoned out ddduuuuddddeeeessss somehow managed to become fairly successful arms dealers. Nice work, if you can get it.
thanks big made
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